Been thinking about what makes me unhappy. bread. cheese. showers. being alone. the unkind words. people who don’t believe in me. people who don’t understand. people who wont give me the time of day when all i do is have time for them. the past. the future. the present. everything. not being around family. not being with my friends. i want a support network. i used to have one, and now i’m all alone. there’s nobody here in london to tell me it’s alright. to tell me i’m strong enough to get through this. to tell me not to make stupid choices. to let me know that i deserve to be happy. i’m ready to fuck off and leave this shit behind, but it wont leave me. i don’t want to feel this way anymore. i don’t want to have to hold my stomach and cry every day. i don’t want to have to cover my mouth to keep from throwing up in the shower. i don’t want this and i don’t deserve this. i want to eat and not care. i want happiness.

tired of breaking down. tired of feeling alone. tired of feeling this way. i’ve had a hard and long day and i just want it to be over. i want to sleep but i cant. i’ve got an allergic reaction to something and its itching, its annoying. i’ve got a headache. i’m getting anxious and about to break down again. i want someone here to help me feel better. i want my family and friends. the ones who know what im like. the ones who care for me. i miss you guys.

Dear Mia,

You took my life from my hands and decided which path i would follow. I’ve never had a closer relationship to someone else in my life. You were my best friend, you were my everything. I trusted you. I pushed others away for you. I let you control me. I let you in on my deepest secrets. You were encouraging, supportive, and confident. You always had me feeling like i could do it. I was capable of anything with you. You told me it was okay, when it wasn’t. You held my hand through all those years.

I guess our relationship hasn’t ended quite yet. I thought i was breaking up with you the day i sat my parents down and told them what we had been doing. I was wrong. You struggled to stay in my life and by my side whilst i was going through treatment. But like always, you tend to get your way. You convinced me yet again that i needed you. That my life was worth nothing without you. I listened and obeyed. All those nights you kept me up, sneaking for food. The majority of my days spent hovering over a toilet with you right by my side encouraging me. Listening to you when you said that popping 4 pills before breakfast was a good idea because i’d concentrate in school and i’d stay away from food. You were there telling me it was worth it when i was crying from the pain at night and in the morning when i was tired because of the restless sleep i got. I trusted you. I listened. I obeyed. I did it all because you told me i’d be happy. I’d be beautiful. I’d be skinny. I’d have a perfect body. You lied. I pushed you away after my relapse. I realized i didn’t need you to be happy. I didn’t need cocaine, ecstasy, or adderall. I needed food. I needed to respect my body.

It’s almost been two whole years that i’ve lived without you now. I’ve eaten loads of food to the point where i felt like i was going to burst, but i stuck it out and let my body deal with it instead of me running to the bathroom for a ‘quick fix’. I’ve been offered drugs, and i said no. From time to time though you’d be there. Checking up on me seeing if i needed you. Truth is sometimes it would’ve been easier to let you hold my hair back, and listen to your soothing voice when i felt like i was getting to ‘healthy’. But i didn’t. I stuck up for myself. I had my best interests in mind and not yours. I wasn’t going to let you control me the way you used to.

Today you came back for a visit. I was surprised to see you. I was hurt as the same time that i was elated. Elated because the comfort of having you when no one else was there, hurt because of the fact that i’m letting you into my life. You shouldn’t ever come back. I shouldn’t have these feelings about myself. I shouldn’t look down on what i’ve become. I should be proud and happy to say that i’m almost two years recovered from bulimia and substance abuse. As well as i’m living without Prozac. I know you’ll be back for more visits in the future. And i know i’ll still have the hostile feelings towards you, because when your around you make me want to turn back. Turn back to what i used to be. You make me want to be somebody else and i cant be that somebody anymore. So i’m sorry i turned you away today, but it’ll happen again. It’ll happen every single time you pop around for a visit. Because i dont need bulimia to make me strong. I dont need to throw up into a toilet to make me feel happy. I dont need to take pills, or do stupid shit to make me feel like i’m living, because i am alive. My body is healthy, and i am healthy. Yes, i may not be happy with my weight or the way i look, BUT that does not give you the right to bully me.

So goodbye mia, until next time,

My

im locking myself away from people. im hiding. im pushing away. i dont want them to know that i feel like bursting out crying every minute of the day. the fact that i could easily cry myself to sleep every night feels pathetic enough. i dont want to show that im hurting inside. that im falling apart. that i took my clothes off to shower and saw my stomach and thighs and broke down and cried for half an hour. that every time i think about eating i want to hurl. that i hate my body. i hate myself. university is still shit and now i actually have to keep going if i want to keep my place at EBS for the fall. i broke down today. after working hard all day and then my plaster for my model went everywhere i gave up. i ripped it apart and told myself to leave it. i fucking hate that bullshit they call coursework. its not. its a waste of my time and i cant believe im doing it. it makes me so furious, i get upset and i end in tears every time i try to work. i absolutely hate it. i want to throw in the towel. i want to leave it behind me but i cant. the same way  i want to walk away from my eating disorder, but i cant.

I don’t feel the way I used to anymore. Nothings changed, yet I’m not happy. I feel fat all the time. I hate myself for letting go. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I can’t help it. A negative comment sends me swirling downhill. Maybe it’s finally all out of my system. Maybe the Prozac has let me go. I’m standing on my own two feet and hurting on my own two feet. feeling the pain, sadness, and hurt. Knowing I can change it at any time. Yet that’s not how I want to go about it. I don’t want to be sick. I want a healthy life. I want to be able to love, feel the ups and downs, live, and fucking eat a meal without thinking of where it’s going. I’m not happy with my body.

had a lovely evening planned for yesterday. dinner at cha cha moon, and then off to see alice in wonderland. didn’t turn out to be what i wanted. dinner wasn’t bad. company was lovely as always, but sitting cramped next to strangers talking about nonsense doesn’t really do it for me. service wasn’t amazing either so i dont know if ill be visiting there anytime soon. then of course when i go to get the tickets for the movie, there aren’t any reserved. apparently when i booked them online they somehow changed from leicester square to aberdeen. thats in scotland! oh i was no pleased. so that was 20 pounds down the drain. however im emailing them and complaining about their online services. that’s just ridiculous. so no i wasn’t a happy My. went to a different cinema and bought new tickets. 33 pounds. fucking stupid. oh well i loved the movie. i dont think you can look at it like the original alice in wonderland cause then you’ll just be disappointed, for me its just tim burton’s version of alice. cheered me up though!

wish i could go back to that time in my life and make different choices. not because i regret it, only because its affected me so much. it affects me everyday. i have to live with what i did. i thought i had accepted who i was back then, but its still as hard today as it was yesterday.

went to our student union bar wednesday night. can’t say it was one of the better nights i’ve had there. it made me feel really uncomfortable and lost. like i don’t know where i belong anymore. i don’t think this is it for me. at the same time moving out so soon would be a huge step. id need a job and whatnot first. aja, either way.. it was an ‘auction night’. they were bidding out cheerleaders and basketball players and it was just trashy (to say the least). some of the ‘cheerleaders’ (if you can even call them that) were running around in shorts.. no not shorts boyshorts. the kind of ’shorts’ i wear as underwear. the kind nobody sees. this girl had half of her ass hanging out. like youve got it flaunt it whatever, but honestly i dont really need to see it. what pisses me off the most though is girls like them who flirt around, show off their goods, fucking hell. your leading the guys on just by standing their. all you want is attention but then if you get more you complain. lay in the bed youve made sweetheart. then on the bus home this little kid, probably like 10 years old, starting getting into it with an older girl, and then another guy joined in, and then another girl, and then another guy. it just got to the point where if things were to escalate id be stuck in a very unlucky place, so i told simon i was uncomfortable and we moved downstairs on the bus. i dont want to put up with this ghetto shit anymore. i dont care if you think your some kind of hard ass, gangster, or drug dealer. truth is in my eyes your a failure. i may not be a ‘hard working’ person myself at the moment but at least im trying. at least ive got goals and a future ahead of me.