Oh, look what i found..

when i was in mexico i wrote this on the first day in my bikini. i cant still feel it..

“after recovery I still loathe my body. Im in mexico. A paradise. In a suite. My own bathroom, two balconies. All inclusive food and drinks. Yet I still Felt like bawling when I went into the bathroom and put my bikini on. So unflattering. Tried another one on, even worse. Put a dress on to cover my stomache. Nope. Arms still made me look horrific. Could feel my stomache touching the fabric of my flowy dress, that shouldn’t happen. Walking I could feel the fat in my stomache and thighs jiggiling. Disgusting. Disgusted with myself. With what I’ve let myself turn into. Had the same feelings 5 Years ago in Florida. Looked back at the pictures from then and feel gross and ugly. I let myself go, I stopped feeling. I stopped living. I took drugs, I drank. I did anything not to think about the fact that I was gaining weight. Anything to take me away. Anything to take my mind of the fact that I was fat. My stomach hangs over my pants, my shirts fit too tight. Naked I don’t even dare look into a mirror or down, cause it’s gotten to the point where all I want to do is return to my old ways. My favorite shirt no longer fits the way it should. I hate it. I know what it is. It’s the unhealthy food, the alcohol. Yet that’s what gives me comfort. Drinking lets me forget. Lets me not care. Yet it all makes me depressed. Makes me gain more weight. Working out isn’t as easy alone. Walking around the resort I see people, sometimes bigger than me.. Doesn’t make me feel better about myself. Skinner, I’m just jealous. It’s not about someone being better looking than me or uglier. It’s about the fact that I’m unhappy in my own skin. I don’t like looking in the mirror. I don’t like getting dressed in the mornings, and I don’t like getting undressed at night. Not even going to lie, if I had the money I would pay stupid amounts to fix myself. But even that wouldn’t work. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough. And I honestly don’t see what others see in me. I’ve got nothing to offer. There’s nothing special about me. Theres thousands of girls better. Why stick around a girl like me when im just going downhill? Just wish I could at least be okay with myself. Not hate myself for everything . I’m taking steps backward, but this time I’m going to work at taking steps forward alone. No medicines, no hospitals, no therapy. Just me. Just be.”