At it again

im locking myself away from people. im hiding. im pushing away. i dont want them to know that i feel like bursting out crying every minute of the day. the fact that i could easily cry myself to sleep every night feels pathetic enough. i dont want to show that im hurting inside. that im falling apart. that i took my clothes off to shower and saw my stomach and thighs and broke down and cried for half an hour. that every time i think about eating i want to hurl. that i hate my body. i hate myself. university is still shit and now i actually have to keep going if i want to keep my place at EBS for the fall. i broke down today. after working hard all day and then my plaster for my model went everywhere i gave up. i ripped it apart and told myself to leave it. i fucking hate that bullshit they call coursework. its not. its a waste of my time and i cant believe im doing it. it makes me so furious, i get upset and i end in tears every time i try to work. i absolutely hate it. i want to throw in the towel. i want to leave it behind me but i cant. the same way  i want to walk away from my eating disorder, but i cant.