sat up in bed, tears streaming out of frustration. can’t sleep, can’t sit still, can’t get comfortable, can’t stop thinking, can’t stop anything, nothing’s right, every thing is wrong.

it’s 4 in the morning, i should get some sleep.. need to be up in 3 hours. turn the lights off and lay down.

4:05.. 4:15.. 4:30… tossing and turning. finally i give up i cannot sleep or lay still for the life of me and when i try i feel the blood pumping in my veins, i feel my heart beating so hard it feels like it’s coming out of my chest. i feel every heart beat in my head. i feel it all and im too aware of what’s going on.

i stumble on the web until 630.. decide i can’t sit still in this damned bed anymore. get up shower.. put my uniform on. take two pills, and go downstairs. maybe eat, maybe tell my parents i’m gonna eat at school.

one more pill for the road. music on, seatbelt.. driving. a/c on, i’ll get too hot otherwise. it’s getting warmer.. a/c on highest. i focus on driving, park my car, drink a bit of water or redbull… one more for the morning classes? okay, another pill.

go in, don’t talk to anyone. sit down, pay attention, take notes that are waaay to perfect and detailed. focus on everything, ignore what’s not important.

lunchtime.. can’t eat that’s absurd, sit in the library pretend like i’ve got something really important to work on. start feeling agitated and uncomfortable. another one should calm me down..

i’ll be okay for the rest of the day now. i’ll be okay.

finish the afternoon classes, drive home. get in. a/c on the highest, do work drink lots of water. dinner time.. eat minimal amounts, i’m not hungry.

more work, more homework, more notes, more unimportant bullshit. one more to get me through the night.

time to go to bed?  sat up in bed, tears streaming out of frustration. can’t sleep, can’t sit still, can’t get comfortable, can’t stop thinking, can’t stop anything, nothing’s right, every thing is wrong.

somethings wrong when a 16 year old girl can become an addict on prescription pills.

it started occasionally, i needed to study harder for exams. but like it is with all drugs, the rush went away. quicker and quicker it would dissolve. solution? more pills. more pills, and finally too many pills. panic attacks, dizzy spells, fainting. sickening thinking about how much i screwed with my body, how much i fried my brain.

i can still wake up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, heart literally pounding, shaking.. feeling withdrawals.

i hate adderall, i hate all those pills. imagining how my high school years would’ve been without them.. it’s not right. it shouldn’t be the easiest thing to get your hands on, and it shouldn’t be socially acceptable to take them. you wouldn’t be okay with it if your friends smoked crack before an exam would you? after kicking my habit, i shudder to even think about being on it again. i can’t respect students who take adderall to succeed. call me a hypocrite.

i got on the dean’s list on my own last term, no drugs no extra help, on my own! i have a reason to be proud.. i never felt proud when i got an A on adderall.. it still wasn’t good enough. do you feel proud knowing you’ve cheated? it is cheating. your pushing your brain to work in an unreasonable  state, your cheating yourself of social interaction and creativity. all for what? an A? A+? not worth it.

i know there’s so many reasons why adderall is appealing, but i know too well all the reasons why it’s not as well. i just simply cannot agree with students who take the drug, because that’s what it is a drug. you think you’re not doing anything wrong but if you aren’t prescribed it or aren’t actually ADHD then it’s illegal, just like any other drug.

at the end of the day it’s still substance abuse.

i don’t know where to start, and i don’t know what i really want to say this with blog-post.

i guess i just thought i was in a bubble, and nobody could burst my bubble. i’ve been in this bubble for a while now as well.

my parents were worried when i moved to London. drugs everywhere.. apparently. for a full year i didn’t see anything, apart from when i went “home” to dallas. after all it was the heroin capital of the united states for a while.. still is?

don’t think i’m an idiot, obviously there’s drugs in London, probably a whole lot to be honest. but i tried. i tried my hardest to stay away from them. druggies are like magnets, where there is one there is a million. and i know how easily i could be lured into that.

i was a bit naive, i did ignore some signs. i did ignore words that came from his mouth. i ignored it all.

leaving station court and london metropolitan university may have been the best thing i have ever done for myself. i’m genuinely happy, i enjoy going to my classes, and i learn from my coursework. i know this makes me sound like the biggest dork in the world, but i don’t care. i go to school to learn. so i can then get a good job that pays. live a good life, and be healthy.

i’ve lost good friends to drugs. they chose the drug over me. granted i chose drugs over my friends for a period of time as well, but that’s not the point. the point is that i thought i had lost someone who i cared for. someone who always was honest with me, someone who cared. and when that person confronted me and told me how it was.. i was elated. FINALLY, someone who isn’t an idiot. someone who won’t give in. someone who said NO.

i’ve started to censor my blog posts because of the people who read them might get ‘offended’, but i’m past that. i don’t give a fuck if you’re offended anymore. if your stupid enough to snort that shit, then you’re probably too stupid to realize this is me telling you to stop.

i will not surround myself with negative energy. i’m in too much of a good place to be around it. i won’t be around that shit anymore, it’s not me.

i wish things could be different, but it’s not my place to say, so things will stay the same. you could be such good people, but instead your flushing it down the drain. it’s such a shame.

Too late. I can’t keep chasing it. Caught in a chase. 25 to life.

I don’t think ed understands,the sacrifices that I made. Maybe if ed had acted right, I would have stayed. But I’ve already wasted over half my life. I would have laid down and died for you. I longer cry for you. No more pain. You took me for granted. Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet, into the dirt. I can no longer stand it. Now my respect I demand it. Imma take control of this relationship, command it, and I’m gonna be the boss of you now god dammit. And what I mean is that i will no longer let you control me. So you better hear me out, this much you owe me. I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you. Why I’ve stayed, faithful all the way. This is how I fucking get repaid? Yeah funny ain’t it, you neglected me. Did me a favor, let all my spirit free. Got a special place for you in my heart that I have kept, It’s unfortunate.

I feel like when I bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh. Cause that ain’t good enough, you expect me to fold myself in half, till I snap.

Take away their freedom, like you did to me. Treat em like you don’t need em, and they ain’t worthy of you. Feed em the same shit that you made me eat.
I’m moving on, forget you.

All I ever felt was this..Helplessness, Imprisoned by a selfish bitch.

I fell for this, so many times. It’s ridiculous. I’m sick of this but in my sickness and addiction,Your addictive as they get.

My friends keep asking me, why I can’t just walk away from.
I’m addicted to the pain, the stress, the drama.
I’m drawn to shit, so I guess I’m a mess.

This time i’m not changing my mind. I’m leaving you.

when we were out last night everyone ended up looking around for simon and chloe. where had they gone? to smoke of course.

now don’t think i’m some kind of hypocrite, cause i’m not. i’m not saying smoking is evil and that people shouldn’t smoke. granted, smoking isn’t good for you. people honestly shouldn’t smoke either, but most of us have.

i’ve smoked. i didn’t make it public because well.. i don’t think it’s something to be proud of. it was just like every other bad habit i’ve ever had, a waste of money, time, and health.

it’s easier for me to bring light on a subject when my hands are clean.

i started smoking a lot when i moved to london. my money ran away from me with every flick of my lighter. then i gradually slowed down. ‘party smoked’ as i call it. smoked when i drank. then i cut back even more, smoked when i was stressed or felt fidgety. then i just stopped one day. i didn’t decide to stop smoking, i even said i hadn’t quit. it made it easier knowing i was allowed to smoke whenever i wanted. funny thing is, i’ve never physically ‘craved’ a cigarette, mentally maybe.

so months gone by since even having a drag from the cancer sticks and i’ve got to say that i find cigarettes ridiculously annoying now. the smell gets to me like no other as well.

what i’m getting at is that non-smokers shouldn’t have to give respect to smokers. i shouldn’t have to move away from the smoke you’re blowing in my face (granted half the time you don’t even know your doing it). i shouldn’t have to cease my dancing to find where the smokers have disappeared to. i shouldn’t have to work around your smoking habit.

if anything i think that becoming a ‘non-smoker’ has lead me to become more aware of my surroundings and i just wish ‘smokers’ would realize it as well.

just cant believe it! these people go out and get absolutely trashed. then come home and act like complete idiots. like okay at first it was funny. now.. not so much. im not amused anymore. these people are all older than me and honestly act like they haven’t even turned 18 yet. makes you wonder what kind of people you actually study and live with. but i guess thats the british way..? i think im just a bit done at the moment. not interested in getting trashed every night and having a ‘great’ time. all they do is make mistakes that they regret in the morning. id rather have a glass of wine and chill with some girl friends or just go out dancing. aah whatever. so going to bed and sleeping this off.

the new iphone 3 gangstas. haha naw, but yeah moms getting one she already pre-ordered it. ugh jealous much? totally. i downloaded a program where i could take video on my iphone cause thats all im really missing but yeah it totally made my phone go bazzeeerk! so i deleted it, no more videos for me ugh. i hate wanting new stuff. like seriously why do i need the new iphone? oh because i want to be able to take videos. im such a loser. im addicted and crave all things apple. are there rehabs for this?

nice evening dress, i think im going through a sequin phase.. 

very girly dress, i love it. totally a day dress.. maybe more?

i like the stacked leather heels. i guess its an addiction. 

i love how the earrings mismatch! so betsey.

this perfume is lovely. i mean if i wasnt married to my chance chanel i would so buy this.. or a birthday present? hehe.

last night at the concert i dont know why, but some songs were just so beautiful. i could really relate. not to the family portrait song, but i know emmelie loves it and i miss her so i couldnt stop thinking of her. it was so beautifully done. just pink a violin, and a dude on the piano. plus at the end she sang ‘carey, carey, carey’ just thought it was really sweet. during ‘Dont let me get me’ was when i had to hold back the tears. also just like a pill. those songs are me. ive dealt with it all. i really felt it. i remembered my past, the drugs, the bulimia, the depression, the messing everything up. 

Dont let me get me

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FK8MdO0KvuI[/youtube]

Never win first place, I don’t support the team 
I can’t take direction, and my socks are never clean 
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me 
I was always in a fight cuz I can’t do nothin’ right 

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror 
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me 
I’m a hazard to myself 

Don’t let me get me 
I’m my own worst enemy 
Its bad when you annoy yourself 
So irritating 
Don’t wanna be my friend no more 
I wanna be somebody else 

I wanna be somebody else, yeah 

LA told me, “You’ll be a pop star, 
All you have to change is everything you are.” 
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears 
She’s so pretty, that just ain’t me 

Doctor, doctor won’t you please prescribe somethin 
A day in the life of someone else? 
Cause I’m a hazard to myself 
Dont let me get me

Just like a pill 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIqRBCL_-rM[/youtube]

I’m lyin’ here on the floor where you left me 
I think I took too much 
I’m crying here, what have you done? 
I thought it would be fun 

I can’t stay on your life support, there’s a shortage in the switch, 
I can’t stay on your morphine, cuz its making me itch 
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes being a little bitch, 
I think I’ll get outta here, where I can 

Run just as fast as I can 
To the middle of nowhere 
To the middle of my frustrated fears 
And I swear you’re just like a pill 
Instead of makin’ me better, you keep makin’ me ill 
You keep makin’ me ill 

I haven’t moved from the spot where you left me 
This must be a bad trip 
All of the other pills, they were different 
Maybe I should get some help 

The more i think about it the stupider i think i sound. seriously.. i cant stay scared for the rest of my life of drugs. there will ALWAYS be drugs out there, always someone who takes them. always someone who grows, deals, transports. im not going to be able to hide for forever. so its time to step up. ive decided to no longer be scared. to trust myself. to be able to say no. ive said no to so many other things in my life, why shouldnt i be able to say no to this? i was just as addicted if not worse to bulimia and ive made it through that. this should be no different. i used to think that i wouldnt be able to say no if drugs were presented to me but seriously? am i going to live in denial and hide from them? so what if theres a person smoking weed on the street.. im not going to run up to them and ask for some. i just need to be smart, and not put myself in situations that i dont need to be in. not find my way into groups of people that arnt good for me. i know some people who decided to try some stuff this summer for the first time and seriously.. yeah that made me mad. like whats the point? everyones turning 18 this year and you get to drink.. legally and out in clubs and shit. is that not enough? why does everyone search for a high? im telling you. the high might be good, but when you come down.. its usually not worth it. plus if you loved the high so much your bound to do it again. so is it worth it? either your hooked, or you hate it. i dont know, your choice. just doesnt seem logical to me. yet i did it all. call me stupid, call me whatever you want. i made mistakes, god knows ive made MANY mistakes. ive learned from them, but thats only because i got help and got past my addictions. not everyone gets out.