HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

Sitting in the living room watching the british music awards alone, Alicia keys and jay z came on and wow. Seeing Alicia keys live would make me so happy, there’s so much meaning behind her music for me. Almost started crying to myself! Just remembering those hard days in the hospital where her lyrics got me through the tears. In the car to and from the hospital her music was there. Afterwards her music was still there. Now a year later her new album helps me yet again. Seeing her live would put a seal on my recovery. its gunna be two years soon enough in june. i wish i had someone to go to the concert with here in london though :/ emmelie, you up for a trip here?

When the wind is blowing in your face, sometimes in life you don’t see straight. Wait for him, he will show. When your head is in a certain place nobody around to make you say stand strong and you will go. wait till you see my smile, wait till you see your smile. Don’t they love to see you down, kick you while you are on the ground. Don’t let any emtions show, people always make you late. Don’t let them get in your way, see they say things they don’t know. Wait till you see my smile. Hey, so don’t you look better now, everybody comes around. cause you don’t really need much. cause your stronger and your better and your ready for whatever.

Alicia Keys has a new album out. i want i want i want! her last album meant so much to me. got me through all those hard weekends sitting in the hospital. in between therapy and meals that’s all i had. listened to it every morning as well when my dad or mom drove me to the hospital when i was an outpatient. so happy im not in the same place anymore. a year and a half soon!

her music helped me get through hell everyday when i was in the hospital and going through recovery. her music will help me get through this now as well. absolutely amazing singer. i love her. this is my new favorite song for the moment.

[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV9v0_s1ogI&feature=fvst[/youtube]

laying in bed listening to alicia key’s as i am album. reminds me of one thing every time.

sitting in that uncomfortable hospital bed, looking out onto concrete walls and a roof, having 30 minutes to myself. just listening and enjoying the fact that for once i didn’t have to explain myself, think, or figure out why i was there, how i was going to get better, what i did wrong, how i ended up there. ugh. all of it’s in the past now but at the time i had no idea where to turn. i remember my parents came to visit me one night and i cried and cried. i begged them to take me home. i hated that stupid psych unit. with the annoying kids, the fat guy who asked what was wrong with us.. an eating disorder isn’t a big deal, he said. it was actually pretty funny because we all turned on him and told him that he obviously had an eating disorder as well, since he was so fucking fat. overeating come to mind? so we weren’t the nicest people. one night we were all sitting around waiting after dinner alone, and i remember talking to two of the girls about just running for it. the door was unlocked, and it was right there. it felt so tempting, but i wasn’t there to disobey rules anymore. i wasn’t there to escape the help. i was there to get better. i chose to get help. i needed the help. who knows when i would’ve overdosed with the amount of pills i was taking. it did help. i did get better. but children’s wasn’t the only reason. i had friends and family who supported me and i ditched the ones who didn’t.  i chose a better life for myself. i met some amazing people in there, pretty sure i wont see any of them again but still. i’ve promised myself to never turn back. the life i had back then was a living hell. popping pills and doing lines just to stay skinny, to stay awake. to keep from eating. to keep from falling apart. but the drugs never worked. i would feel good, but theres always a come down and those were the times i dreaded. after my parents went to bed. id lay on the bathroom floor crying. massive headache every night, empty stomach, burning throat. all for what? to disappoint my family and friends? to end up in a wheel chair in order not to lose calories? no matter how ugly or fat you think you are it’s so not worth it. those days will always be burned into my memory and i’ll always be equally disappointed in myself. however i can now proudly say i’ve been clean and healthy for over a year now.  i hope to outweigh the bad with the good, and i’m well on my way!