i can feel my life slipping through the cracks of my fingers, like sand just blowing away in the wind. i don’t know what to do to stop it. i don’t know how to go about feeling alive and happy anymore.

i’m really not in a good place right now, and having an exam tomorrow and not being able to focus doesn’t help. then i’ve got work as well.

i can’t wait till this is all over. this year. this university. this life.

i want something different. i want to live again.

Some say I’ll be better without you, but they don’t know you like I do, or at least the sides I thought I knew..

Wake me up, wake me up when all is done, I won’t rise until this battle’s won, my dignity’s become undone..

But I won’t go… i can’t do it on my own.

Ed’s back and i’m trying so hard to push him out of my life. i’m trying to avoid his advice, i’m trying to drown out his words with loud music. i’m trying to be good. i’m trying not to fall back into his trap.

sat here with an empty stomach, head aching with thoughts stress and emotions, and tears falling down my face. i feel comfortable, it’s like i’m back in his arms. it’s like he’s come back to protect me when i’ve fallen down. he’s back to pick me up again and tell me it’s going to be okay. all i have to do is stop eating and he’s happy. he’s so easy to please. he’s going to be with me no matter what i do. no matter how many mistakes i make, as long as i keep my end of the bargain he’ll be here holding my hand.

he’ll even hold my hair back if i need him when im sick. he’s so loving and caring. he keeps telling me about how good im being, how it’s okay to not eat dinner. how tomorrow i should skip breakfast before class, i’ll look good with a flat stomach. after all who needs food in the morning? it’s pointless isn’t it. he wants me to stay with him, he says he still loves me even though i left him for a while. he says he’ll always take me back. he says he forgives me for rejecting him so many times. and i know deep in my heart he’ll never leave me. after all he’s been with me all along, i’ve just chosen to ignore him.

but then reality hits me. no, i have no appetite or want to eat, but i have to. no matter how hard it’s been the last couple of weeks, and no matter how hard it is tonight i have to get that food in me somehow. i have to eat to survive, i have to live. a life with Ed, is no life at all. it’s torture and hell, and i know no matter how bad i feel now, i will feel worse if i let him back into my life. i have to pick myself up, i have to believe that i can make things better. i have to believe that i’ll be happy again. i have to believe that i’ll be okay. because at the end of the day i have so many things to be grateful for, and going back to Ed means just throwing them away. i’m not hurting my body anymore, and i’m certaintly not hurting myself anymore. i’m past that, and yes i’ll look back on the past.. but i will never feel good about it, i’ll look back and remember how much i was hurting, and i’ll remember why i left him in the first place.

“No I can’t take one more step towards you, cause all that’s waiting is regret. I learned to live, half-alive.. and now you want me one more time? Don’t come back for me. I hear you’re asking all around, if I am anywhere to be found, but I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms. It took so long just to feel alright. Remember how to put back the light in my eyes… I wish I had missed the first time that we met, cause you broke all your promises. And now you’re back …you don’t get to get me back.”

the best things in life are worth waiting for. fighting for, believing in, & just never letting go.

i knew i was stupid, but i never thought i was this big of an idiot. i never thought id actually ruin the best thing i had going for me. i never thought id push someone i love so far away that they don’t even want to speak to me anymore. i never thought id ruin it all.

the worst thing about it is if i would’ve acted right we would’ve been okay. if i could go back in time id change it all, id fix things. id make it so i never hurt anyone, and i never ruined things for anyone else.

im sick of hurting the people i love, its a horrible feeling waking up the next day and regretting every single breath you took the night before. its horrible always making mistakes and never learning from them.

i can’t change what i’ve done. i can’t change what happened. i can’t even change your feelings. i can’t do anything but say im sorry, but even that means nothing.

the only thing i can do now is hope that you’ll forgive me. hope that you’ll look past it and see that im changing. im changing for you. im changing in order to keep you in my life. i want to make you as happy as you’ve made me.

i wish so desperately that i could be different, and then it never would’ve happened. and im going to work my hardest to be a new me. never going back to what i was, because if i do ill end up alone with everyone resenting me as much as i resent myself.

i so increadibly sorry and i hope with all my heart you’ll forgive me.

did NOTHING yesterday. watched about 13 episodes of the mentalist if not more.

normally it’s hard for me to be home alone for such a long time without any human interaction but this morning i felt like doing the exact same thing today.

enjoyed just sitting in front of a tv show, not thinking about anything, not happy but not sad. just being.

so i’ve finished off my strawberry pencil candies, i’ve gone through half a thing of hummus and not to mention the pitta bread and some crackers, and now i feel… hungry?

what’s wrong with me?

ugh watching a movie or something, avoiding the kitchen, trying not to think of certain things, and then going to bed.

happy weekend?

sat at home, alone, on a saturday night. eating candy like the fatty i am, i’m thinking about crawling into bed with a nice movie or a couple of episodes of weeds.

had to redo my nails earlier as the bath i took at simon’s house, which lasted 2 hours, destroyed the grey for some reason?

headache. tired. grumpy. alone. cold.