i don’t think i’ve ever been so scared in my life, but i know that this too i will conquer. i have made it through more turmoil in the last five years than some people do in a lifetime, and if someone wants to take praise for why i’m still standing, then go ahead. go ahead. lie to yourself, because believe me, you are not the reason i am who i am. yes, for the last two years i spent a lot of time with a boy, a boy who meant so much to me. someone i truly gave my all, i was ready to do anything for him. i gave up friendships, i spent more time with him than i should’ve. i didn’t waste my first years of living alone or being at university, but i didn’t live it to the fullest either. i don’t regret anything, because he’s taught me so much. he helped me through some of the toughest battles, but without him i’d still be strong, and i will be strong without him. i’ve got amazing family and friends and even if i’ll be alone at first, i will find my way. i always do. plus being just me for a while is probably the healthiest thing for me right now. never mind my grades are skyrocketing

i made some mistakes, and that’s on me. i don’t neglect the fact that i hurt him too, and in no way am i trying to say that what i did was acceptable because of how he made me feel. i’m mature enough to know that what i did was wrong, and i am strong enough to say sorry and admit my faults.

the thing is i can’t keep lying to myself. there was a reason behind my actions, i didn’t just wake up one day and decide to ruin one of the greatest things i’ve ever had. but what i’ve come to see is that i didn’t ruin it alone, we did. after constantly being put down, constantly being neglected, knowing that i was holding somebody back, that this somebody who i would trade the world for didn’t even think i was worth deleting a simple nobody off of facebook for… how was i supposed to continue? how was i supposed to ignore the messages, the words written, the verbal abuse, how was i supposed to say it was okay and fake a smile? how do you love somebody who says so much, yet does so little to prove it? 

things could’ve been so different today. things would’ve been on track and i would be sitting here writing about how damn happy this boy makes me. the truth is, he hasn’t made me happy for a while now. the amount of phone calls to my sister, the tears, the hurt and emptiness inside me.. that’s not what a relationship is.

i’ve been pushed around for far too long. if he can’t realise that what he did hurt me, and that it was a factor in this equation, then fixing our relationship is not worth my time. it hurts more than i ever thought something like this would. i feel destroyed and i don’t know how to live without him, but this is not healthy. i am not healthy right now. i’m in a hole that we’re both digging deeper and deeper. we’ve both got our walls up, and neither of us is letting the other one past, and that is not a relationship. a relationship is based on a friendship with someone who is special to you and right now we are not friends, there is no trust, there is no love. there is no love. that to me is shameful. the fact that we both neglected each other’s feelings to a point that we’ve ruined what we had in the first place. it takes two people in a relationship, not one. i can’t fight our battles alone. i can’t make him love me, i can’t make these problems go away.

if he’s not willing to prove to me that i’m worth it, then why on earth would i get down on my knees and beg for him to stay with me? it doesn’t make sense in my mind. i love him, i truly do, and this is the most open i’ve been about it since it all fell apart, but i can’t stay with him if he doesn’t make the commitment to change as well. the longer we keep lying to ourselves, the more pain we’ll cause ourselves in the long run, and when.. when do we decide enough fighting is enough? when do i stop crying myself to sleep at night? when do i decide i want to live again and not just be?

i want nothing more than for us to work it out. nothing. i want us to be us again. i want it so bad it hurts just thinking about it. there’s an emptiness inside me that only he can fill, and if he’s not willing to then i need to find my own way to fill it. i need to stand up for myself, i need to get through this as well. i know i will, but i know it’s going to be a long journey.

this isn’t us, and it’s up to him to either change it or end it for good.

all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ‘support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.

i’ve messed certain things up so bad. woke up this morning wanting to be somebody else. i don’t wanna be me anymore. it’s not all it’s hyped up to be. the mood swings. the problems. everything. i don’t wanna stay here anymore. this isn’t something you can turn around and make positive. it’s just plain ol’ fucked up. and i did it. i fucked it up. i fucked it up for myself and i don’t know how it happened or why. all i know is that it did. i did it. and there’s no going back. there’s no rewind button on life. there’s no way to understand it, or make other people try to see it through your eyes. i might explain later but it hurts to much to think about. i have a feeling things will be totally different soon. my summer wont be what i expected and next year will be different as well. so how do i cope? how do i get out of bed in the mornings knowing that i’ve hurt someone i love in ways that aren’t repairable. i feel like i’ve jumped back two years in my life. don’t think i’ll have much to celebrate on june 20th anymore.

going to the gym now. long run and then some stuff. need to get everything out of my system. frustration and anger. the negativity i want it gone. so afterwards im ready to buckle down and do more uni work. what a weekend this will be..

sometimes i wanna sit down. throw a hissy fit. cry. kick and scream. cuss people out. just all together tell people to fuck off. but i dont. instead i try my best to be polite and smile and walk away. let’s just say sometimes my anger gets the best of me. not today though. you can tell your back in london. the service is shit. tottenham is shit. idiots left and right. one person was in front of me in line at the grocery store yet she still managed to hold the line up for AGES. putting one item on at a time. asking how much it was after each one. pissed me off so much i needed to write this to cool down. i wanna hanna to come now!!

but i feel so much better. so me and dad went to the gym and i fought off my anger. all my thoughts i put aside, i put everything into that damn elliptical machine. so now im in a good place. my happy place. i remember they told us when i was in treatment to pick a happy place and always go there when we were feeling urges. my happy place was with my sister. i dont know where exactly we were then, but it just ended up being anywhere. today is one month until one year that ive been drug free and in recovery from bulimia. so yeah that post earlier can suck it. im not in a bad place, everyones allowed to feel down about things. the difference now though is that im not going to sit there and let the sadness take over me. i did something about it. so yeah tomorrow im going on a job hunt! get ready dublin, here i come