i’m fed up. if i wasn’t so poor at the moment i’d tell them to eff off and i’d sign up with someone else. it’s been over a month and i still have no internet.. you expect me to pay the bill next month then? HA.

ugh. woke up. and everything seemed to just go wrong. everything. forgot this. had to get that. hair was a mess. forgot my lotion. just not a good start. then i went to get the tube and of course i just missed it. don’t you think i had to wait another 9 minutes for the next one? which then stalled halfway to the station. and i was therefor late to meet simon. he wasn’t too impressed. gah i hate mornings like that!

it’s taken me a long time to realize the difference. i used to need drugs. yeah i thought i did, but my life is fine without them. i then wanted them. i wanted the drugs so bad. i wanted that high. i wanted to feel good again. but after a while i then again realized i didn’t want or need them. i thought i needed you. i needed the happiness and the good feelings you brought me. just like another fucking drug. every day i’ve thought to myself about how you’ve always put me last. your needs come first. your family, granted that’s pretty obvious. your friends. everything. your shit comes before me. and after feeling so helpless and unloved so many times it’s got me thinking. i mean nothing. you would replace me in a heartbeat. you treat me like im dirt sometimes. i know im not always easy to deal with, but some things don’t need to be said or done, and it’s to the point where i can deal with things on my own. i have people who love me. i don’t need you. i don’t need your approval. i don’t need you to love me. cause even when you won’t be there for me.. they will. i’ll still be standing on my own two feet. i hope that scares you, because it should. if you even value me just the slightest bit you’d realize what you will be loosing.

i just realized that while i’ve been all caught up in my own business i forgot to write that it was ito’s birthday this past week. granted i said happy birthday to him on facebook, but how great is that? i feel horrible. i guess it’s just something that’s easier to do when you’re around the person, like if i were to go out and celebrate him. but i’ll tell you this ito, if you come here this summer we will celebrate! oh and just for the blog’s sake, happy birthday again panda bear