visited this girl’s blog which i normally don’t read cause i think she’s boring as hell.

either way there was a post about this shirt, which says ‘a real girl eats a 200 gram chocolate bar when she feels like it’.

i’m just frustrated with the amount of idiots there are in the world. she clearly only wants to make money off of the shirt and doesn’t give a fuck about eating disorders or has even bothered to try to understand.

if you have an eating disorder, it doesn’t make you less of a ‘real’ girl, or boy for that matter. we’re people too. we struggle and have issues, but we’re people. we’re real. probably more real than that snotty idiot will ever be.

another thing is when you’ve had or have an eating disorder.. do you really think you can just eat a whole chocolate bar? no. i mean sure i could’ve but it would’ve came right back up when i went to the bathroom.

it’s just so annoying seeing people say they understand when they clearly don’t. i don’t speak about politics because i’m not knowledgeable in that subject, so please don’t write about eating disorders when you clearly have no idea what a hell it is to live with.

all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ’support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.

so two days ago marked the day that ive been free from the grasp of bulimia for a full year. no bingeing, purging. of course its been a battle, some days have been worse than others, but ive made it. with each passing day its become easier to resist the temptations and be able to say to myself that i can live a normal life without all the complications. i remember vividly each day that i battled for thinness, when it really didnt matter. i lost weight and when i got to my ‘ideal weight’ i decided it wasnt good enough. with bulimia nothing is ever good enough. no matter how skinny you become, your eating disorder is there in your head telling you that your still worthless, a fat cow, and that you dont even deserve the friends and family that you have. its an evil game that continues in a downward spiral and i hate the way it trapped my life. it took many things away from me and my family and im determined to never let it happen again. for most people bulimia, and other eating disorders, are a lifelong battle. im happy to be able to say that ive so far made it a full year. of course it took a while after the hospital for me to stop. ive had plenty of relapses but the important thing to remember is that you cant give in. i refused to let my eating disorder ruin my life. i wasnt destined to rot away sitting by the toilet. bulimia took so many precious moments from my life away and theres no other way to get those moments back than to never let it happen again. of course i still have my doubts, i dont love love love my body, and i very seldom have an urge, but ive made it this far so whats to say i cant make it all the way? i still feel comfort in bathrooms, but now i dont depend on the toilet or the release that came with it. i depend on myself, to make the right choices and decisions. i also have my friends and family to guide me through it all. ive been to hell and i promise you im never going back. and even if in the future i have a relapse or some kind of set back i will take it upon myself to see that it is only short lived. i deserve the most from my life and im not going to let some disease take it away from me.

this Postsecret just taunts me. it reminds me of how little i achieved through my bulimia. i never got to be as good as i wanted to be. i was never skinny enough. i would never be good enough no matter how much i purged. no matter how much i restricted. at the same time though it reminds me of how sick i was, how mentally challenged it made me. how horrifying every day of my life was. i hate eating disorders. i still to this day have a hard time accepting the fact that yes, i was bulimic. its all so surreal, as if it never happened. i was so used to lying, getting away with things, that owning up to the fact that i was sick and had to get help didnt exist in my world. i hate the person it made me. i hate the fact that i had to go through hell. i had to put my family and friends through hell too. i had to be stuck in a fucking hospital for throwing up. i mean no wonder people dont understand eating disorders. it sounds ridiculous. but i promise you its not. its not something i chose to do. i used to lay on the bathroom floor crying because of the shaking. i was hungry and i felt the need for food but i wouldnt allow myself to keep anything down. sleep was harder than staying awake in school. i would lay in bed holding my stomach, trying to stay strong. the dizziness was insane. the diets and pills, the binges and purges. all of it. i hate it. the only way for me to own up to the fact that i had issues is to be honest about it. i meet a new person and they ask why im here or why i finished school early i tell them the truth. sure it might scare away some people. but it keeps me accountable for my actions. i cant hide, i cant make the same mistakes again with these new people. i fucked up, i fucked up MANY times. no i fucked up more than many times. but i made it out alive, and im happier than i have ever been before. i wont stay quiet. people who are in trouble need to know that it will get better, and it does, you just have to work hard. you cant expect life to just be great, you gotta take the downs and ups as they come but you cant let the downs define you. you are the greatest you can be. you will not let down. be strong. stay courageous. eat a pizza!

oj oj oj. the hell i went through to get my life back. first step was telling my parents i was sick. the response i got wasnt what i expected, but then again can you expect anything? i told them i was sick and that i throw up a lot, so they naturally asked if i had gotten food poisoning. through my tears i told them that it was worse than that. i throw up several times, every day, for a while now. naturally they were shocked. i dont think my dad knew how to respond, he was quiet. mom asked me ‘what’s wrong with you’. i was mad at her at the time for being to careless and it took a while before i realized she didnt mean any harm by what she said and that she as well was shocked. i mean how can you not me? im sitting there telling them that i have been slowly but surely willingly killing myself everyday for the past couple of years. the first step was seeing a psychiatrist. she sucked. so why do you throw up? have any siblings? do you do well in school? oh you throw up THAT much? thats quite often. no shit you dumbass. im sitting here crying my eyes out trying to explain to some old lady why i have bulimia. if i knew i wouldve fixed myself. idiot. so after several tests they kindly explained that i was SEVERELY depressed and that they were sorry but they couldnt help me. great. now what? they recommended we try Children’s Hospital in Dallas. to me this sounded a bit far away and weird. by the time all this had happened things at home only got worse. my compulsive lying sure wasnt making things easier. i told my parents that some foods were easier for me to eat than others, lie. i never admitted to the drugs, another hidden lie. no matter what they tried, they tried so hard to help me. i still threw up. i think the first time my mom fully realized i was sick was when we bought a loaf of bread one afternoon, and when she woke up in the morning it was gone. i went on a binge and lets just say its like flushing money down the toilet. i couldnt control myself. it wasnt me in my body. it was like my eating disorder came into my body and mind and pushed me aside. i wasnt hungry, i didnt want to eat. yet in the middle of the night there i am standing with the fridge open shoving things into my mouth and sneaking food upstairs. im not going to say what i did to throw up because i dont want to trigger anyone or give any ’suggestions’. i in NO WAY want this to help someone reach their ‘bulimic’ goals. its sickening and wrong, i suggest you get help before its too late. it doesnt have to consume you and your life. you can live happy. you can be free. all im going to say is that after all the years of throwing up, i didnt have to do anything anymore. all i did was bend over and it all came flowing out. mom took me to our family doctor one day and of course i had taken adderall that day. i didnt think about anything and they took blood tests and i had to pee in two cups. afterwards i realized, shit they are going to drug test me. it was too late to worry about that. mom got a call from the doctor saying they found non-normal amounts of various substances in my blood and pee. i tried to lie my way out of that too. ‘i only take adderall because it helps me study’, ‘its not a drug’, ‘i dont even feel it’. it didnt work. i dont remember all to well these months blurred together for me since i wasnt at my best state of mind and my body was not feeling to well. i did stupid stuff, i stole alcohol from my parents, and then when they found out and took it back, i took it back again. they found out and yelled at me and i tried to get out of it by saying it was my bulimia and i hate them for blaming me. wtf? what was i thinking. school was nonexistent. i sat there, and thats about it. i didnt talk to anyone, i just sat. i was a zombie. the morning of going to Children’s i got dressed in my normal school uniform. got ready, got in the car, had my backpack and everything. drank my daily red bull (sugar free of course). once we got there we had a meeting and everyone decided that inpatient would be the best thing for me. so i figured we’d choose a date when i could come back. no. thats not how it went. they stripped me of my belongings. no phone. no purse. nothing. mom and dad left and i was left alone in a scary place. we ate six times a day and at first i refused. i wouldnt do it. whenever my parents came i would bawl. tell them to take me home. i hated it there. it was ten times worse than hell. all the girls asked me whats your name? why are you here? and all i could do was cry, and cry, and cry. over time though things got easier. at the end of my ’stay’ i was healthier. i could say my name and bulimia without even thinking about it. i was okay, i was going to survive. i would not let my disease get the best of me. it was the hardest thing ive ever been through my entire life, but i wouldnt be who i am today without it. i worked hard to get better, i did it with the help of my support network, family, and friends. i hope everyone out there suffering realizes that it doesnt have to be a lifestyle. you can change. you can live again. i hope you get the help. if you need help and dont know where to get it, leave a comment.. leave your name anonymous and just write your email. ill send you an email and try to help the best i can.

i ran away today. ran from the noise. chose not to listen. chose to do it my way. forgot about the lies running through my head. listened to the truth. its hard knowing sometimes which is right. ignored the voices. decided to be strong. didnt fight. didnt put up my walls and bring out my armor. just let it be. i didnt decide i wanted to be someone else. i dealt with my issues. yes i am not perfect. but who is? theres no medicine that can fix this. there is no easy fix. the hardest part is recognizing it. im past that. im to the point where the voices dont even matter anymore. i know they only want to bring me down. theres nothing that beats being honest to yourself. lying only becomes a bad habit, which gets you into a bad circle of habits. been there. not fun. i think writing on here has helped me a tremendous amount. i cant lie. i cant lie to myself, my friends, or my family. i cant lie to the people i dont know. its sort of a way of keeping me on track. ive made it this far, i cant let anything get in the way now. i will never ever again let bulimia tear me down. im better than bingeing and purging. im healthy. for all you girls out there who still are having problems, healthy doesnt mean im fat. it doesnt mean ive gained weight. healthy means im living life, without Ed constantly on my back or in my head. im getting to happy. one day i will be fully recovered for forever. i will never again turn to Ed.