i just can’t take it anymore.

i’ve been on birth control for at least 5 years now, not because of sex, but because my menstrual periods are terrible. pain, agony, sickness, headaches, backaches, just couldn’t deal with it.

i didn’t think my birth control made me gain weight. mostly because when i switched from brand to brand my weight stayed the same. however, now that i’ve started on yet another one, i’ve lost weight.

at first i was delighted, i hadn’t moved a muscle or anything and the weight just simply fell off me. now, not so much.

i guess it’s just my eating disorder trying to come out and play again. but it’s just so ridiculously frustrating. will i ever be happy? will my boobs ever be big enough? will my stomach be flat enough? will my butt be alright?  will my thighs be lean enough? will i EVER be good enough for myself?

i just wish i could be happy with my body and embrace it. but instead i loathe it. i hate certain parts and i fixate on them. i’m not comfortable with clothes on. i’m not comfortable naked. i’m just uncomfortable all the fucking time.

it’s the hardest thing i think i’ve had to deal with in a long time. gaining weight, it’s pretty obvious that i’m not gunna be estatic about it, but loosing weight and i’m even more upset.. i don’t understand.

i’m lost. i’m so lost, and i just hope that i don’t get lost with ED.

so i went and talked to a lady this morning, and decided to try a mini-pill birth control for a month.

its only got one hormone so it’s supposed to stop me from feeling nauseous! we’ll see what happens..

then i walked to the pharmacy and picked up my prescription. it’s so nice out here today!

walked back from the pharmacy to emmelie’s apartment, and now i’m sat here waiting for leif to come around at 1..!

today i’ve been busy making appointments for things i need to get out of the way.

first up is tomorrow morning, i’m going to talk to someone about getting my bad cramps and whatnot sorted and maybe even getting a UID put in, scary stuff!

then i’m staying at my sisters, seeing leif most likely and maybe even eating his delicious pancakes!

thursday morning i’ve got a hair appointment with Annelie, get it cut and maybe even dyed

and of course i’ll see some friends and family in between that, so don’t think my schedules full just yet!

after finally finding the place i was supposed to be at, i find out from the very rude old lady at the desk that it’s not open house because of their summer schedule.

so i left, can’t be asked with such rude people for no reason.

either way i’ve got an appointment to talk about getting a hormone spiral put in tomorrow morning at 1030!

last night i stayed up until like 4 a.m. talking to jonas on skype always nice to hear a friendly voice. this might be taboo for you americans, but im gunna write about it anyways. i take birth control cause my cramps are deadly. so yesterday i put in a new birth control ring (i dont have to eat a pill everyday). so while talking to jonas i started feeling nauseous. i took some ginger capsules (helps against the nausea) and ate some food. then when i went to bed i was fine, woke up at 6 a.m. decided to take some more ginger cause i felt horrible, but i guess i didnt take them in time. ended up throwing them up, but im thinking some of it was released into my system. normally ill lay awake shaking from the nausea and sickness and throw up for hours on end, but this morning it was only once so im thinking ill get this under control soon. you learn for every month. at least i dont feel sick EVERYDAY like i used to now. im getting somewhere!