a picture of something you hate

time for bed. people are downstairs watching pulp fiction. its to the part where the girl overdoses on heroin and i’m just not comfortable watching it anymore.

overdosing was new and interesting before you did drugs. it was unknown and interesting when you did drugs. after doing drugs, not so much any of those things anymore. just pathetic. drugs in general are pathetic to me. nevermind the people who actually do them.

i don’t know where to start, and i don’t know what i really want to say this with blog-post.

i guess i just thought i was in a bubble, and nobody could burst my bubble. i’ve been in this bubble for a while now as well.

my parents were worried when i moved to London. drugs everywhere.. apparently. for a full year i didn’t see anything, apart from when i went “home” to dallas. after all it was the heroin capital of the united states for a while.. still is?

don’t think i’m an idiot, obviously there’s drugs in London, probably a whole lot to be honest. but i tried. i tried my hardest to stay away from them. druggies are like magnets, where there is one there is a million. and i know how easily i could be lured into that.

i was a bit naive, i did ignore some signs. i did ignore words that came from his mouth. i ignored it all.

leaving station court and london metropolitan university may have been the best thing i have ever done for myself. i’m genuinely happy, i enjoy going to my classes, and i learn from my coursework. i know this makes me sound like the biggest dork in the world, but i don’t care. i go to school to learn. so i can then get a good job that pays. live a good life, and be healthy.

i’ve lost good friends to drugs. they chose the drug over me. granted i chose drugs over my friends for a period of time as well, but that’s not the point. the point is that i thought i had lost someone who i cared for. someone who always was honest with me, someone who cared. and when that person confronted me and told me how it was.. i was elated. FINALLY, someone who isn’t an idiot. someone who won’t give in. someone who said NO.

i’ve started to censor my blog posts because of the people who read them might get ‘offended’, but i’m past that. i don’t give a fuck if you’re offended anymore. if your stupid enough to snort that shit, then you’re probably too stupid to realize this is me telling you to stop.

i will not surround myself with negative energy. i’m in too much of a good place to be around it. i won’t be around that shit anymore, it’s not me.

i wish things could be different, but it’s not my place to say, so things will stay the same. you could be such good people, but instead your flushing it down the drain. it’s such a shame.

i’ve just realized what i’ve learned to love a lot in the last couple of years. after all the pills, drugs, throwing up.. sleep wasn’t really on the schedule. everything i did fucked with my sleeping patterns, some nights i’d lay awake for hours in pain, others i just give up and not even try. then there was the occasional night’s sleep where i woke up in the morning still just as tired as i was when i went to sleep. i now love sleeping. i love sleeping in. i love crawling into bed. i love laying in bed. i just love it in general, and the way i see it… i’m catching up on all the lost hours over the years of destructiveness.

so i googled (yes, google is the answer to EVERY question) drug statistics and i found the DEA website. holy shit! look at the difference between new york, california, and texas! i took a look at some of the other states as well but none of them even compared.

California
Cocaine: 8,508.5 kgs.
Heroin: 377.6 kgs.
Methamphetamine: 2,236.2 kgs.
Marijuana: 187,627.1 kgs.
Hashish: 25.9 kgs
MDMA: 7.6 kgs/318,151 du
Meth Lab Incidents: 346 (DEA, state, and local)

New York
Cocaine: 1,481.1 kgs.
Heroin: 279.3 kgs
Methamphetamine: 7.1 kgs.
Marijuana: 2,820.7 kgs.
Hashish: 79.3 kgs
MDMA: 0.6 kgs/159,831 du
Methamphetamine Laboratories: 9 (DEA, state, and local)

and then there’s texas…

Cocaine: 9,487.6 kgs.
Heroin: 141.6kgs.
Methamphetamine: 783.6 kgs.
Marijuana: 570,793.1 kgs.
Hashish: 0.5 kgs.
MDMA: 0.0 kgs./69,341 du
Meth Lab Incidents: 112 (DEA, state, and local)

okay so the state i lived in and did drugs in, had less meth lab incidents but more cocaine, and marijuana seized. its funny that the mdma is so low cause i know there’s ecstasy around there somewhere! this is ridiculous the two things i abused the most of course texas has the most of it! jesus. so disturbing. if i ever move back to texas, so be it. i will never, NEVER, allow my kids to grow up there. i will not put them through the same bullshit i had to deal with. i wasnt mature enough to see it. i am now. i cant believe my sister could even look at me. my parents even stood out with me! i was an immature, selfish, stuck up, plano kid. yup. i thought the world revolved around me. that i could just drive home drunk and there would be no consequences. that i was untouchable. well guess what im not! and i couldnt take the shit that was presented to me. so i turned to bulimia. yuck. never again.

yeah im being a baby. i know but i cant help it. after all im still not ‘grown’ i dont turn 18 for another month and ten days but yeah thats not what this is about. dads first procedure was done today and went fine. nothing out of the ordinary, he even refused to lay down when i told him to. when will he ever learn? so the thing is next week he was supposed to go to Dubai and a bunch of other places for business but thats not happening anymore cause thats when hes having his real surgery. ugh i hate this all. afterwards hes gunna be doped on morphine and in the hospital for a week, only to come home to me taking care of him for another week. dont get me wrong i dont mind taking care of him at all. i mean hell thats the least i can do right? but yeah im scared. i dont wanna see him in pain. i dont know if i can handle it. what if im not as strong and supportive as i should be? what if i cant change his bandages cause of all the blood and stuff? ugh. lifes so unfair people shouldnt have to go through shit like this. i hate it. i hate all of it. specially since im the one whos gambled with life and didnt loose a thing. why does he have to get the short end of the stick?

and definitely not in a good way. it just makes my blood boil. yeah thinking of snorting cocaine gets me a mental high, its like it takes me back to where i used to be. but i hate it. i hate the fact that one drug ruled so much of my life. some nights ill have dreams of me doing drugs and ill wake up my heart POUNDING and in a sweat. its not a pleasant feeling. specially not when you start believing its true, you have to slap yourself and realize i did not take those drugs again, it was just a dream. its like the drugs are still in my system and playing games with my brain. either way this ‘new’ drug, scares the living hell of out me. not because i think its more dangerous that any of the other drugs its just that i can easily see some people i know trying it and getting hooked. i knew from the first time i snorted cocaine that i loved the drug. it was the only drug i craved and would go out of my way to get.  ketamine, formally used as a date rape drug is not becoming a fad. yeah you snort it but its a different high from cocaine. its also said to be the most popular drug at festivals this summer. i know people who are going to festivals, and are willing to try new things. hopefully those people arnt as stupid as i was. everyones entitled to make their own mistakes but seriously.. cant you make do with alcohol? your at a festival enjoying yourself with friends, its something to remember! dont ruin it by taking drugs and not being able to remember anything. this drug is a lot more powerful that you think it is. a gram of ketamine puts out a horse, A HORSE. seriously. i dont know what else i can say to make you guys understand. half of the people wont read this and after all my ranting it seems i wont be able to get it through to them either. i guess everyones bound to try things for themselves, but afterwards ill have to tell you i told you so.

The more i think about it the stupider i think i sound. seriously.. i cant stay scared for the rest of my life of drugs. there will ALWAYS be drugs out there, always someone who takes them. always someone who grows, deals, transports. im not going to be able to hide for forever. so its time to step up. ive decided to no longer be scared. to trust myself. to be able to say no. ive said no to so many other things in my life, why shouldnt i be able to say no to this? i was just as addicted if not worse to bulimia and ive made it through that. this should be no different. i used to think that i wouldnt be able to say no if drugs were presented to me but seriously? am i going to live in denial and hide from them? so what if theres a person smoking weed on the street.. im not going to run up to them and ask for some. i just need to be smart, and not put myself in situations that i dont need to be in. not find my way into groups of people that arnt good for me. i know some people who decided to try some stuff this summer for the first time and seriously.. yeah that made me mad. like whats the point? everyones turning 18 this year and you get to drink.. legally and out in clubs and shit. is that not enough? why does everyone search for a high? im telling you. the high might be good, but when you come down.. its usually not worth it. plus if you loved the high so much your bound to do it again. so is it worth it? either your hooked, or you hate it. i dont know, your choice. just doesnt seem logical to me. yet i did it all. call me stupid, call me whatever you want. i made mistakes, god knows ive made MANY mistakes. ive learned from them, but thats only because i got help and got past my addictions. not everyone gets out.