sometimes i just wish i could be someone else. have a different brain. feel different things.

somedays i can’t win against it. somedays i just let it take over. somedays i’m too weak to fight it. somedays i just can’t be strong enough. today is one of those days.

it’s hard when no one understands what i’m going though. having no one to talk to. none of my family around to turn to and say “it’s one of those days,” and knowing they automatically understand.

it’s harder when you try to turn to someone you trust and they push you right back down into the trench you’re trying to climb out of. “you’re being stupid again,” or “oh.. are you upset AGAIN?”

i don’t expect anyone to understand but i expect respect. it doesn’t help when you tell me to stop being upset.. you really think i enjoy it? you think i want to feel this way? because i fucking don’t. you think i like being a “freak” and crying in the middle of a grocery store FOR NO REASON. you really think i would choose this?!

what makes you think i’m willingly going to share my feelings with you then? to be mocked and laughed at? to be ridiculed?

i will learn to deal with it on my own and one day i won’t have these feelings anymore. i will be content. i will be happy. and i will do it all without you.

i can cry if i want to. although i don’t think i’ll want to.. unless i’m so happy i can’t help but crying (like on my 16th birthday).

so happy 19th birthday to me.. yet another year. 19′s such a boring age isn’t it?

that’s what happens when you’re running low on cash. movies, movies, and wait.. more movies? no it couldn’t be! but yes, movie night it is. thinking about popping some popcorn, although i’m not feeling hungry.. eeh maybe not.

going to force Simon to watch my sister’s keeper with me. reckon he’ll cry? i don’t think so, but i bet i’ll be in tears!

done. finished. finito. färdig. it’s finally fucking over. the elation and happiness running through my veins is intense. wish somebody could be with me to celebrate the fact that i did it. i made it through this year. i’ve made it yet again. i’ve finished. granted i may not pass but who the fuck cares? i’m done. i never have to set foot on london metropolitan university campus ever again if i don’t want to. I’m no longer forced to deal with the nonsense they call an education. it’s ridiculous, but i feel like jumping up and down and cry and just sit here and smile to myself, because no matter how shit or how horrible this year has been it doesn’t matter anymore. i’m done. next year i get to start over. new university. new people, new friends. new subject. new place to live. yet the same amazing city. so fuck you london met and all the shit you brought with you cause i’m over you!

i don’t understand why i’m feeling so down when actually i just got the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders two days ago. i was thinking about it last night when i couldn’t sleep, and when i was laying in bed tossing and turning. maybe it could be that all the pent up emotions, stress, and worries i had are now coming out. it’s okay for me to let it go now, because i know i’ll be okay at the end of the day. maybe i just feel safe enough to show that i was hurting. i was worried, scared, and i felt like a complete failure. maybe after i’ve let it out, i’ll realize what’s actually going on and i’ll be happy. i’ll stay happy… at least for a while

oj oj oj. the hell i went through to get my life back. first step was telling my parents i was sick. the response i got wasnt what i expected, but then again can you expect anything? i told them i was sick and that i throw up a lot, so they naturally asked if i had gotten food poisoning. through my tears i told them that it was worse than that. i throw up several times, every day, for a while now. naturally they were shocked. i dont think my dad knew how to respond, he was quiet. mom asked me ‘what’s wrong with you’. i was mad at her at the time for being to careless and it took a while before i realized she didnt mean any harm by what she said and that she as well was shocked. i mean how can you not me? im sitting there telling them that i have been slowly but surely willingly killing myself everyday for the past couple of years. the first step was seeing a psychiatrist. she sucked. so why do you throw up? have any siblings? do you do well in school? oh you throw up THAT much? thats quite often. no shit you dumbass. im sitting here crying my eyes out trying to explain to some old lady why i have bulimia. if i knew i wouldve fixed myself. idiot. so after several tests they kindly explained that i was SEVERELY depressed and that they were sorry but they couldnt help me. great. now what? they recommended we try Children’s Hospital in Dallas. to me this sounded a bit far away and weird. by the time all this had happened things at home only got worse. my compulsive lying sure wasnt making things easier. i told my parents that some foods were easier for me to eat than others, lie. i never admitted to the drugs, another hidden lie. no matter what they tried, they tried so hard to help me. i still threw up. i think the first time my mom fully realized i was sick was when we bought a loaf of bread one afternoon, and when she woke up in the morning it was gone. i went on a binge and lets just say its like flushing money down the toilet. i couldnt control myself. it wasnt me in my body. it was like my eating disorder came into my body and mind and pushed me aside. i wasnt hungry, i didnt want to eat. yet in the middle of the night there i am standing with the fridge open shoving things into my mouth and sneaking food upstairs. im not going to say what i did to throw up because i dont want to trigger anyone or give any ‘suggestions’. i in NO WAY want this to help someone reach their ‘bulimic’ goals. its sickening and wrong, i suggest you get help before its too late. it doesnt have to consume you and your life. you can live happy. you can be free. all im going to say is that after all the years of throwing up, i didnt have to do anything anymore. all i did was bend over and it all came flowing out. mom took me to our family doctor one day and of course i had taken adderall that day. i didnt think about anything and they took blood tests and i had to pee in two cups. afterwards i realized, shit they are going to drug test me. it was too late to worry about that. mom got a call from the doctor saying they found non-normal amounts of various substances in my blood and pee. i tried to lie my way out of that too. ‘i only take adderall because it helps me study’, ‘its not a drug’, ‘i dont even feel it’. it didnt work. i dont remember all to well these months blurred together for me since i wasnt at my best state of mind and my body was not feeling to well. i did stupid stuff, i stole alcohol from my parents, and then when they found out and took it back, i took it back again. they found out and yelled at me and i tried to get out of it by saying it was my bulimia and i hate them for blaming me. wtf? what was i thinking. school was nonexistent. i sat there, and thats about it. i didnt talk to anyone, i just sat. i was a zombie. the morning of going to Children’s i got dressed in my normal school uniform. got ready, got in the car, had my backpack and everything. drank my daily red bull (sugar free of course). once we got there we had a meeting and everyone decided that inpatient would be the best thing for me. so i figured we’d choose a date when i could come back. no. thats not how it went. they stripped me of my belongings. no phone. no purse. nothing. mom and dad left and i was left alone in a scary place. we ate six times a day and at first i refused. i wouldnt do it. whenever my parents came i would bawl. tell them to take me home. i hated it there. it was ten times worse than hell. all the girls asked me whats your name? why are you here? and all i could do was cry, and cry, and cry. over time though things got easier. at the end of my ‘stay’ i was healthier. i could say my name and bulimia without even thinking about it. i was okay, i was going to survive. i would not let my disease get the best of me. it was the hardest thing ive ever been through my entire life, but i wouldnt be who i am today without it. i worked hard to get better, i did it with the help of my support network, family, and friends. i hope everyone out there suffering realizes that it doesnt have to be a lifestyle. you can change. you can live again. i hope you get the help. if you need help and dont know where to get it, leave a comment.. leave your name anonymous and just write your email. ill send you an email and try to help the best i can.

ended up sitting at home tonight (saturday night) in dads texas sweatshirt (super comfy!) and my dolce glasses. i love chill nights. theres nothing better than a good movie. we watched the notebook and yes i cried like a little baby. they get me every time. its just such a beautiful movie.

Don’t waste your time regretting all your wrongs. Know that in the end, you’ll get what your heart longs. Try not to risk it all; don’t stumble; don’t fall. Take the time to read the writings on the wall. Hold your head high; Don’t be afraid to say goodbye. Stay true and be you. Do everything there is to do. Live life to the fullest and never look back- there’s a reason for the future and a reason for the past. Love till it hurts; laugh till you cry. When your life flashes before you before you die, be happy for what you’ve done, be happy for what you’ve overcome, and most of all, be proud of what you had become. 

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back. Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can’t change. Kiss passionately, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life’s too short to be anything but happy.