just been going through a tough time recently. everything just seems to be falling apart. i feel like doing a britney spears, shave my hair off, gain loads of weight, and just in general lose it. all my clothes feel like rags ive picked out of the garbage, my hair feels like it is fried and just doesnt look good no matter what i do, my body hates me and i hate it, everything just feels wrong. three more weeks and then i can work on getting myself back together, or maybe even go find myself again.

i don’t think i’ve ever been so scared in my life, but i know that this too i will conquer. i have made it through more turmoil in the last five years than some people do in a lifetime, and if someone wants to take praise for why i’m still standing, then go ahead. go ahead. lie to yourself, because believe me, you are not the reason i am who i am. yes, for the last two years i spent a lot of time with a boy, a boy who meant so much to me. someone i truly gave my all, i was ready to do anything for him. i gave up friendships, i spent more time with him than i should’ve. i didn’t waste my first years of living alone or being at university, but i didn’t live it to the fullest either. i don’t regret anything, because he’s taught me so much. he helped me through some of the toughest battles, but without him i’d still be strong, and i will be strong without him. i’ve got amazing family and friends and even if i’ll be alone at first, i will find my way. i always do. plus being just me for a while is probably the healthiest thing for me right now. never mind my grades are skyrocketing

i made some mistakes, and that’s on me. i don’t neglect the fact that i hurt him too, and in no way am i trying to say that what i did was acceptable because of how he made me feel. i’m mature enough to know that what i did was wrong, and i am strong enough to say sorry and admit my faults.

the thing is i can’t keep lying to myself. there was a reason behind my actions, i didn’t just wake up one day and decide to ruin one of the greatest things i’ve ever had. but what i’ve come to see is that i didn’t ruin it alone, we did. after constantly being put down, constantly being neglected, knowing that i was holding somebody back, that this somebody who i would trade the world for didn’t even think i was worth deleting a simple nobody off of facebook for… how was i supposed to continue? how was i supposed to ignore the messages, the words written, the verbal abuse, how was i supposed to say it was okay and fake a smile? how do you love somebody who says so much, yet does so little to prove it? 

things could’ve been so different today. things would’ve been on track and i would be sitting here writing about how damn happy this boy makes me. the truth is, he hasn’t made me happy for a while now. the amount of phone calls to my sister, the tears, the hurt and emptiness inside me.. that’s not what a relationship is.

i’ve been pushed around for far too long. if he can’t realise that what he did hurt me, and that it was a factor in this equation, then fixing our relationship is not worth my time. it hurts more than i ever thought something like this would. i feel destroyed and i don’t know how to live without him, but this is not healthy. i am not healthy right now. i’m in a hole that we’re both digging deeper and deeper. we’ve both got our walls up, and neither of us is letting the other one past, and that is not a relationship. a relationship is based on a friendship with someone who is special to you and right now we are not friends, there is no trust, there is no love. there is no love. that to me is shameful. the fact that we both neglected each other’s feelings to a point that we’ve ruined what we had in the first place. it takes two people in a relationship, not one. i can’t fight our battles alone. i can’t make him love me, i can’t make these problems go away.

if he’s not willing to prove to me that i’m worth it, then why on earth would i get down on my knees and beg for him to stay with me? it doesn’t make sense in my mind. i love him, i truly do, and this is the most open i’ve been about it since it all fell apart, but i can’t stay with him if he doesn’t make the commitment to change as well. the longer we keep lying to ourselves, the more pain we’ll cause ourselves in the long run, and when.. when do we decide enough fighting is enough? when do i stop crying myself to sleep at night? when do i decide i want to live again and not just be?

i want nothing more than for us to work it out. nothing. i want us to be us again. i want it so bad it hurts just thinking about it. there’s an emptiness inside me that only he can fill, and if he’s not willing to then i need to find my own way to fill it. i need to stand up for myself, i need to get through this as well. i know i will, but i know it’s going to be a long journey.

this isn’t us, and it’s up to him to either change it or end it for good.

i was going to continue blogging today about my trip. i was going to blog about what i’ve done today. i was going to have a good day on my own.

but it’s ruined. i’m trying to figure out what kind of emotions i’m even feeling anymore, and if it really is worth it?

why does this one thing work me up so damn much? and why do i want to walk away rather than stay..

i don’t want to leave my flat anymore, i don’t want to meet up with anybody, i don’t want to feel anything. i don’t want to be in this situation.

i hate you so much for doing this to me, OVER and over again. why can’t you just see that it’s painful? why don’t you understand that you’re being the bad guy.

every time i go through this i love you a little bit less.

there’s not much else you can do but keep going, and keep going with your life. no matter what happens, just gotta keep your head up.

went to the gym and ran for an hour and a bit, my god i was sweaty!! hurried home to shower and get ready before law class and here i am, i got ready in half an hour.. shocking i know. i think my legs are already sore, it’s gonna be painful tomorrow! just gotta keep running..

anyways off to tesco to buy a banana or something for before class and maybe some food..

feeling extremely down this weekend. and all of last week as well. i think it’s just cause i’ve got too much time on my hands, too much time to think. just haven’t been happy. today hasn’t helped at all. feel extremely lonely, im sick and all i want is to go home and have my family take care of me. go to a doctor and get medicine, feel comfortable. i feel extremely uncomfortable and i’d love to crawl under a rock and sleep for the next ten years. not the time to be sick or depressed. doesnt help when certain people mislead your trust and mock you either. bit frustrated i guess.

sat at the boys house watching ace ventura, funny but not hilarious.

weather is so depressing today i think i might just go home and curl up with some movies and good food.

what’s even more depressing is that it’s supposed to rain for the next week.. nooooo not while my daddy and sister are here! at least both me and emps have wellies, hehe.

sometimes i just wish i could be someone else. have a different brain. feel different things.

somedays i can’t win against it. somedays i just let it take over. somedays i’m too weak to fight it. somedays i just can’t be strong enough. today is one of those days.

it’s hard when no one understands what i’m going though. having no one to talk to. none of my family around to turn to and say “it’s one of those days,” and knowing they automatically understand.

it’s harder when you try to turn to someone you trust and they push you right back down into the trench you’re trying to climb out of. “you’re being stupid again,” or “oh.. are you upset AGAIN?”

i don’t expect anyone to understand but i expect respect. it doesn’t help when you tell me to stop being upset.. you really think i enjoy it? you think i want to feel this way? because i fucking don’t. you think i like being a “freak” and crying in the middle of a grocery store FOR NO REASON. you really think i would choose this?!

what makes you think i’m willingly going to share my feelings with you then? to be mocked and laughed at? to be ridiculed?

i will learn to deal with it on my own and one day i won’t have these feelings anymore. i will be content. i will be happy. and i will do it all without you.

i don’t have the energy anymore. i don’t wanna do it. i don’t wanna feel like this. i don’t know if it’s because it’s late and i’m tired. or if it’s cause i’m thinking of the future and it’s fucking me up again. either way i’m down. i’m down, i’m in that place that i don’t wanna be. i don’t want to feel this way anymore.

just wish it would go away. like bad weather hanging over my head..

there’s no other way of saying it. i’ve messed things up for real this time. i’ve done something that shouldn’t have happened. i’ve treated someone who cares for me, and whom i love with complete disrespect. i’m too embarrassed to write what i did but, that doesn’t change anything. i’ve done it, i’ve fucked up. i don’t know where to go from here, what to do. i’m so lost and angry it’s ridiculous. i’m angry at myself, i hate being me. i hate being a bitch, i hate doing stupid shit like this. it’s not okay. i hate not being able to ‘handle my liquor’. i can’t drink alcohol, i can’t do it. it gets to my head and my ghosts come out to play. i can’t stop. i can’t remember. it’s not me. it isn’t me. it’s the alcohol taking over my body. it’s stupid and i will stop it. i wont do it anymore. i wont jeopardize relationships with people for a couple of drinks. i can’t even look in the mirror today i’m so disappointed. i’m disappointed in myself, i hate it so much. i hate being in this position. i shouldn’t be here, i shouldn’t have done it. sorry doesn’t cut it anymore, it’s not enough. no matter how many times i say please and sorry, nothing will change. nothing can change what i’ve done, nothing. it hurts to an extent i didn’t know existed.

all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ‘support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.