Dear Mia,

You took my life from my hands and decided which path i would follow. I’ve never had a closer relationship to someone else in my life. You were my best friend, you were my everything. I trusted you. I pushed others away for you. I let you control me. I let you in on my deepest secrets. You were encouraging, supportive, and confident. You always had me feeling like i could do it. I was capable of anything with you. You told me it was okay, when it wasn’t. You held my hand through all those years.

I guess our relationship hasn’t ended quite yet. I thought i was breaking up with you the day i sat my parents down and told them what we had been doing. I was wrong. You struggled to stay in my life and by my side whilst i was going through treatment. But like always, you tend to get your way. You convinced me yet again that i needed you. That my life was worth nothing without you. I listened and obeyed. All those nights you kept me up, sneaking for food. The majority of my days spent hovering over a toilet with you right by my side encouraging me. Listening to you when you said that popping 4 pills before breakfast was a good idea because i’d concentrate in school and i’d stay away from food. You were there telling me it was worth it when i was crying from the pain at night and in the morning when i was tired because of the restless sleep i got. I trusted you. I listened. I obeyed. I did it all because you told me i’d be happy. I’d be beautiful. I’d be skinny. I’d have a perfect body. You lied. I pushed you away after my relapse. I realized i didn’t need you to be happy. I didn’t need cocaine, ecstasy, or adderall. I needed food. I needed to respect my body.

It’s almost been two whole years that i’ve lived without you now. I’ve eaten loads of food to the point where i felt like i was going to burst, but i stuck it out and let my body deal with it instead of me running to the bathroom for a ‘quick fix’. I’ve been offered drugs, and i said no. From time to time though you’d be there. Checking up on me seeing if i needed you. Truth is sometimes it would’ve been easier to let you hold my hair back, and listen to your soothing voice when i felt like i was getting to ‘healthy’. But i didn’t. I stuck up for myself. I had my best interests in mind and not yours. I wasn’t going to let you control me the way you used to.

Today you came back for a visit. I was surprised to see you. I was hurt as the same time that i was elated. Elated because the comfort of having you when no one else was there, hurt because of the fact that i’m letting you into my life. You shouldn’t ever come back. I shouldn’t have these feelings about myself. I shouldn’t look down on what i’ve become. I should be proud and happy to say that i’m almost two years recovered from bulimia and substance abuse. As well as i’m living without Prozac. I know you’ll be back for more visits in the future. And i know i’ll still have the hostile feelings towards you, because when your around you make me want to turn back. Turn back to what i used to be. You make me want to be somebody else and i cant be that somebody anymore. So i’m sorry i turned you away today, but it’ll happen again. It’ll happen every single time you pop around for a visit. Because i dont need bulimia to make me strong. I dont need to throw up into a toilet to make me feel happy. I dont need to take pills, or do stupid shit to make me feel like i’m living, because i am alive. My body is healthy, and i am healthy. Yes, i may not be happy with my weight or the way i look, BUT that does not give you the right to bully me.

So goodbye mia, until next time,

My

I don’t feel the way I used to anymore. Nothings changed, yet I’m not happy. I feel fat all the time. I hate myself for letting go. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I can’t help it. A negative comment sends me swirling downhill. Maybe it’s finally all out of my system. Maybe the Prozac has let me go. I’m standing on my own two feet and hurting on my own two feet. feeling the pain, sadness, and hurt. Knowing I can change it at any time. Yet that’s not how I want to go about it. I don’t want to be sick. I want a healthy life. I want to be able to love, feel the ups and downs, live, and fucking eat a meal without thinking of where it’s going. I’m not happy with my body.

wish i could go back to that time in my life and make different choices. not because i regret it, only because its affected me so much. it affects me everyday. i have to live with what i did. i thought i had accepted who i was back then, but its still as hard today as it was yesterday.

Girls and their needs. Boys and theirs. When a girl asks a boy a question she doesn’t always want the truth. If she asks you if she’s having a bad hair day, lie. If she asks you if she’s put on weight, say maybe a little bit, BUT I prefer it. If she asks who you’d be sleeping with if not her, lie. These things will in no way help your situation. The only thing your gunna do is hurt her. Girls don’t always need to hear the brutal truth, they are fragile. We don’t want to know if you’d rather be dancing with that skinny brunette in the corner. We don’t want to know what the guys talk about when were not present. After all you are just guys. I may have high hopes of boys but then I realize that that’s exactly what they are, boys.. Not men. So take some advice and don’t be so blunt with girls, they arnt one of your guyfriends. Treat them with more respect, that’s the least we deserve from you.

i want to go to therapy again. i dont know if this is a step backwards or what it is. maybe its the fact that prozac doesnt pick me up anymore when im down. maybe its the fact that i have gained weight again and im just too lazy to do anything about it. i dont want to rely on working out too much either because i know where that will end. i cant be bothered with this depression bullshit anymore. i dont want to be fucking unhappy. ive got so much to be happy about yet im sitting here at 2 am on a tuesday night crying because of what? no fucking clue. nothing! so sick of myself. i cant sleep because im so damn irritated. i know i have to get up for uni tomorrow as well. irritated. irritated. upset. sad. mad. pissed off. bipolar.

It’s funny how a girl can say all she wants about me and you know what.. I couldn’t give less. Tells me I’m a slut. I’m worthless. I’m a bad friend. I’m selfish. I know it’s not true. She’s worth less than the toilet paper I wipe my ass with. I can’t be bothered dealing with bullshit anymore. I’ve done it for years. I’ve let it tear me apart as well. No more. I know who my real friends are. However someone who I truly truly care so much about makes one comparison and I fall apart. It tears me to shreads. It hurts me in places I never wouldve known possible. It makes me feel smaller than I’ve ever felt before. Am I worth nothing? Do they really see me that way? If so, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Im hurt. Disappointed. Aggrivated. I’m sick. Sick of being vunerable, wondering if this is really it? Am I gunna be this sensitive the rest of my life? Am I going to care so much about others opinions? It hurts to be compared to someone you despise. Knowing that someone thinks your alike. Knowing that person thinks I’m alike with a person i wouldn’t mind having out of my life completely. For forever. Someone who’s been a complete waste of my energy and time. Someone I wish I never wouldve known existed. Its like telling me I have no standards. I have no respect for life. For friendship. Tearing down my selfesteem with one sentence. Tearing apart feelings of accomplishment that have taken years to gain. Recovery. Therapy. Medicines. All of it down the drain. Making me feel like I’m the smallest piece of trash in the world. I’d rather you tell me i’m like a piece of shit. I’ve dealt with bulimia. Substance abuse. Severe depression. Bad friends. Bad company. I’ve dealth with so much more and been through so much. So don’t you dare ever tell me something so ludicrous as that ever again. I know I’m worth more than that. Don’t hurt me.

When the wind is blowing in your face, sometimes in life you don’t see straight. Wait for him, he will show. When your head is in a certain place nobody around to make you say stand strong and you will go. wait till you see my smile, wait till you see your smile. Don’t they love to see you down, kick you while you are on the ground. Don’t let any emtions show, people always make you late. Don’t let them get in your way, see they say things they don’t know. Wait till you see my smile. Hey, so don’t you look better now, everybody comes around. cause you don’t really need much. cause your stronger and your better and your ready for whatever.

that’s all thats left. that’s what i need to survive. i’ve been through worse before, this should be easy. today hasn’t been. i’ve constantly felt like a zombie. depressed. unhappy. on the edge. wanted someone to make me smile but of course no one was there. can’t wait to go home. see my parents. see my friends. miss my friends back home. they take care of you, they’re there no matter what. they smile when they see you, and they’re not afraid to say they miss you. they also don’t put you second. im sick of always being ignored here. i just want my happiness back. i dont know where it went. miss my sister a lot as well. but it’s alright.. one month! and 5 days till my parents get to take care of me again. i miss being a little girl. everything was so much easier back then. you worry about recess at school and playing with your friends. no bullshit, no drama. the world was such an amazing place.

don’t want to say what it is cause for once i want to get through it alone. i need to know that im strong enough to stand on my own two feet. not just run back to the people who have always been there for me but actually work it out in the right way alone. i don’t know if what im doing is stupid or not. could end up horribly wrong but i really hope not. i wanna get through this just like everything else. i want to be happy. im tired of every damn little thing breaking me down. upsetting me. pushing me to my breaking point. i dont want others to see me unhappy, i dont want them to see me weak and fragile. i dont want them to know that they could so easily hurt me. i put my trust into other’s too easily and always get hurt. gunna hold my head up high and get through this just like everything else. wait till you see my smile..

one year and a half on december 28th. no more of the horrible days and nights. no more putting my family through hell everyday. no more bulimia. depression. substance abuse. gone.