it is. i know everyone says it, and its common knowledge. but it sucks.

why does it have to be this way?

what did i do to deserve this feeling? feeling lonely when im surrounded with the people i love. feeling upset when people are doing their most to make me happy. feeling fat when i’ve barely eaten. it’s been over two years now and i still struggle all the time. im sick of it. i want it to end, but i dont know if it every will.

i don’t have the energy anymore. i don’t wanna do it. i don’t wanna feel like this. i don’t know if it’s because it’s late and i’m tired. or if it’s cause i’m thinking of the future and it’s fucking me up again. either way i’m down. i’m down, i’m in that place that i don’t wanna be. i don’t want to feel this way anymore.

just wish it would go away. like bad weather hanging over my head..

visited this girl’s blog which i normally don’t read cause i think she’s boring as hell.

either way there was a post about this shirt, which says ‘a real girl eats a 200 gram chocolate bar when she feels like it’.

i’m just frustrated with the amount of idiots there are in the world. she clearly only wants to make money off of the shirt and doesn’t give a fuck about eating disorders or has even bothered to try to understand.

if you have an eating disorder, it doesn’t make you less of a ‘real’ girl, or boy for that matter. we’re people too. we struggle and have issues, but we’re people. we’re real. probably more real than that snotty idiot will ever be.

another thing is when you’ve had or have an eating disorder.. do you really think you can just eat a whole chocolate bar? no. i mean sure i could’ve but it would’ve came right back up when i went to the bathroom.

it’s just so annoying seeing people say they understand when they clearly don’t. i don’t speak about politics because i’m not knowledgeable in that subject, so please don’t write about eating disorders when you clearly have no idea what a hell it is to live with.

breakfast this morning wasn’t good. i had to force myself to eat a slice of bread and some yogurt while cleaning my room. then when me and Simon finally got off our asses to go to the gym i was hungry again.. there wasn’t any lunch at home so i decided to get something at tesco’s on the way. mistake. nothing looked appealing. i found a salad i liked, but of course there wasn’t any plastic forks so how was i supposed to eat it, with my hands? so i put that back. didn’t want another one of their nasty sandwiches.. so i opted for a chicken pasta thing. got a bottle of water and thought i was set! i was already frustrated cause i didn’t get any food that i actually felt like eating, and i hate spending money on food. i think it’s a waste. the less i buy the less i eat.. makes sense no? but it’s not good for me i know. either way we started walking towards the gym while i was eating, and well after two bites i wanted to be sick. the pasta made my mouth taste like poison and the chicken just made my stomach churn, not cause it tasted bad but because i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want it. i didn’t want to add more to my stomach. it felt stupid eating before a work out. what’s the point? but you can’t work out on an empty stomach, it’s not smart. i broke down and started crying, and poor simon was so confused. it’s hard when i can’t explain what’s going on, half the time i don’t even know! i was just so frustrated that my ed thoughts are coming back. i was mad at myself, the eating disorder, everything. i was upset, and frustrated. but we kept walking, i ended up throwing away the pasta cause i couldn’t bare to look at it. i didn’t want it. simon said he wouldn’t let me work out on an empty stomach so we went into somerfields and i bought a banana and a smoothie. it filled me up and it wasn’t as difficult to eat. i don’t know why the pasta was so hard but it was. it was like Ed was set on me not eating it, i wasn’t allowed and i listened. next time i’ll make the choices, i’ll pick something i will eat. i will eat it. i’m sick of ed bossing me around. i want to eat without any worries, i want to just eat. just be.

i hate waking up and feeling sick. nauseous. knowing it’s cause i need to eat, but not wanting to. not having anything suitable for the mornings. makes a shitty start to the day, ruins my mood. i don’t want my day to start off with me being worried about food, i do it enough as it is.

all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ’support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.

i’ve just realized what i’ve learned to love a lot in the last couple of years. after all the pills, drugs, throwing up.. sleep wasn’t really on the schedule. everything i did fucked with my sleeping patterns, some nights i’d lay awake for hours in pain, others i just give up and not even try. then there was the occasional night’s sleep where i woke up in the morning still just as tired as i was when i went to sleep. i now love sleeping. i love sleeping in. i love crawling into bed. i love laying in bed. i just love it in general, and the way i see it… i’m catching up on all the lost hours over the years of destructiveness.

losing it all. i feel like i’ve worked so hard. so ridiculously hard to get my life back on track. i’ve done everything in my power to find happiness. to be content. to stop leaning on bulimia and drugs to fulfill my days. and i’ve done all of this just for my life to fall back apart. i feel like i’ve made some of the worst mistakes in my life this past year. i’ve been so happy, at a shit university, in a ghetto neighborhood. i’ve been happy. i’ve been happy without the material things. i’ve just been me, and happy. i’m afraid for it all to go away. what happens if i don’t pass? what am i gunna do next year? i don’t want to go to school in sweden, and im pretty sure i can’t get in anyways. i don’t wanna live in dallas, cause i have a strong feeling i’ll fall back into old patterns. it’s too easy to get sucked into that world. yet it’s the only place i think i can go to school. i don’t want it. i don’t want to live there. i don’t want to live in sweden. i don’t want to be unhappy. i don’t want to fail. i always don’t want to waste another year of my life doing nothing. i want a degree. i want a real job. i want my own home. i want my own life. i don’t want to depend on others. i don’t want to be in this situation. i’m scared. i’m more scared than i’ve ever been in my life. i don’t know if i can do this. and i don’t know what will happen after.. but hey.. guess it’s my own fault for being such an idiot. shouldn’t have ever even thought of architecture. shouldn’t have gone to london metropolitan university. shouldn’t have waited a year to start university either. i shouldn’t have started using drugs. i shouldn’t have had bulimia. shouldn’t have been me. maybe everything would’ve sorted itself out then.

you have no clue what it feels like to be in my situation. don’t you dare patronize me. you don’t know how it feels to wake up even more exhausted than you were when you went to bed. what it’s like wishing for things to change. looking out the window at the sun and wanting to crawl into a dark hole. being happy one second and then sitting alone and crying the next. getting angry at small things. getting fed up with your own feelings. i struggle every day. i work at it every day. i may not show it but i struggle. i struggle a lot. there’s not a day that goes by without me pulling my shit together. so yeah, i fall apart sometimes. sometimes i break down. sometimes i let my feelings get the best of me. but you can’t say anything. you know why? because i’ve done it. i got through it all. i’m living my life without drugs. without the pills. with food. without throwing up after every meal. i haven’t made myself sick in almost two years. i got off of my anti-depressants. i did it on my own. i didn’t need help from my family. i didn’t need my friends to help keep me on my feet. i did it. I did it. not my therapist. not my parents. i did it all on my own. i’ve got so much to be proud of and yet you try to tear me down every single time. can’t you see how strong i am? can’t you see that you can’t have what i have? when im happy, i am genuinely happy. no pills to make it better. its just me. so tell me what have you done to make your situation better?

so i got a question on formspring and i figured i’d put it on here as well cause you never know who it might help. so here goes nothing…

How do you not feel guilty about what you have eaten? I’m struggling with an eating disorder, and sometimes I can go out to a restaurant and not feel bad..but other times(like today) I feel soooo guilty and bad about what I ate at the restaurant.Any tips?

oh dear. it is a constant struggle. i can tell you even after recovery and coming up on two years free from bulimia (yay!) i still struggle. the key is to keep busy. after eating don’t just sit on your bum (no i dont mean exercise) and feel bad about yourself. go on facebook, play with a dog, talk to your friends. just keep your mind busy while your stomach gets over that initial reaction. then afterwards you might still feel guilty but why? your body needs food to survive. you need food. as much as you hate it you NEED it. now if you’re a binger like i was, the key is to eat at a normal pace. i guess what im trying to say is to just be content with it. don’t pick the salad cause it’ll make you feel better, work at small paces. learn to listen to your moods as well, what foods make you feel guilty? maybe try to stay away from those on bad days.