think i’ve found a new diet. go to sleep really late and then wake up really late and you can combine all three meals in one. the only problem in the inevitable hungry later on in the evening.. oh well eat as much as you’d like. you only live once

visited this girl’s blog which i normally don’t read cause i think she’s boring as hell.

either way there was a post about this shirt, which says ‘a real girl eats a 200 gram chocolate bar when she feels like it’.

i’m just frustrated with the amount of idiots there are in the world. she clearly only wants to make money off of the shirt and doesn’t give a fuck about eating disorders or has even bothered to try to understand.

if you have an eating disorder, it doesn’t make you less of a ‘real’ girl, or boy for that matter. we’re people too. we struggle and have issues, but we’re people. we’re real. probably more real than that snotty idiot will ever be.

another thing is when you’ve had or have an eating disorder.. do you really think you can just eat a whole chocolate bar? no. i mean sure i could’ve but it would’ve came right back up when i went to the bathroom.

it’s just so annoying seeing people say they understand when they clearly don’t. i don’t speak about politics because i’m not knowledgeable in that subject, so please don’t write about eating disorders when you clearly have no idea what a hell it is to live with.

this Postsecret just taunts me. it reminds me of how little i achieved through my bulimia. i never got to be as good as i wanted to be. i was never skinny enough. i would never be good enough no matter how much i purged. no matter how much i restricted. at the same time though it reminds me of how sick i was, how mentally challenged it made me. how horrifying every day of my life was. i hate eating disorders. i still to this day have a hard time accepting the fact that yes, i was bulimic. its all so surreal, as if it never happened. i was so used to lying, getting away with things, that owning up to the fact that i was sick and had to get help didnt exist in my world. i hate the person it made me. i hate the fact that i had to go through hell. i had to put my family and friends through hell too. i had to be stuck in a fucking hospital for throwing up. i mean no wonder people dont understand eating disorders. it sounds ridiculous. but i promise you its not. its not something i chose to do. i used to lay on the bathroom floor crying because of the shaking. i was hungry and i felt the need for food but i wouldnt allow myself to keep anything down. sleep was harder than staying awake in school. i would lay in bed holding my stomach, trying to stay strong. the dizziness was insane. the diets and pills, the binges and purges. all of it. i hate it. the only way for me to own up to the fact that i had issues is to be honest about it. i meet a new person and they ask why im here or why i finished school early i tell them the truth. sure it might scare away some people. but it keeps me accountable for my actions. i cant hide, i cant make the same mistakes again with these new people. i fucked up, i fucked up MANY times. no i fucked up more than many times. but i made it out alive, and im happier than i have ever been before. i wont stay quiet. people who are in trouble need to know that it will get better, and it does, you just have to work hard. you cant expect life to just be great, you gotta take the downs and ups as they come but you cant let the downs define you. you are the greatest you can be. you will not let down. be strong. stay courageous. eat a pizza!

i ran away today. ran from the noise. chose not to listen. chose to do it my way. forgot about the lies running through my head. listened to the truth. its hard knowing sometimes which is right. ignored the voices. decided to be strong. didnt fight. didnt put up my walls and bring out my armor. just let it be. i didnt decide i wanted to be someone else. i dealt with my issues. yes i am not perfect. but who is? theres no medicine that can fix this. there is no easy fix. the hardest part is recognizing it. im past that. im to the point where the voices dont even matter anymore. i know they only want to bring me down. theres nothing that beats being honest to yourself. lying only becomes a bad habit, which gets you into a bad circle of habits. been there. not fun. i think writing on here has helped me a tremendous amount. i cant lie. i cant lie to myself, my friends, or my family. i cant lie to the people i dont know. its sort of a way of keeping me on track. ive made it this far, i cant let anything get in the way now. i will never ever again let bulimia tear me down. im better than bingeing and purging. im healthy. for all you girls out there who still are having problems, healthy doesnt mean im fat. it doesnt mean ive gained weight. healthy means im living life, without Ed constantly on my back or in my head. im getting to happy. one day i will be fully recovered for forever. i will never again turn to Ed.