The first meal out i had here in Dallas was with my mum at Chili’s. Their queso (pictured above) used to be much better, but their Caribbean salad is to die for. Loving the free refills as well

After my two presentations yesterday i decided i needed a treat, in hindsight.. not a good idea. my bank account is screaming at me, specially since i haven’t got rent money for January. kill me now?

Any ways back to the point, went to the Littleton Arms in Mornington Crescent. I had two fish cakes and it was lush. I hate eating at home at the moment, just feels sad and pathetic and makes me feel sick, weird but eating out doesn’t have the same effect.. anyone else ever had this problem?

I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin. And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin.

just had a nice lunch with Simon, went to the shop and my total for all of our food came to 1 pound.. made me happy. i’ve been spending way to much money recently. you want to know what the worst part of it all is? the money has only been spent on FOOD! went out with natasha on friday and spent TWO pounds on drinks.. and guess how much i spent on mcdonalds on the way home? three times as much. god im pathetic. need to sort my life out. i wish eating wasn’t necessary to live sometimes.

i am the person i’ve always been. i haven’t changed a bit. i still hurt the ones that love me the most. i’m still just a stupid little girl who thinks she’s bigger and better. the worst part is that ed’s back, and i know he wants to stay.

sat up in bed, tears streaming out of frustration. can’t sleep, can’t sit still, can’t get comfortable, can’t stop thinking, can’t stop anything, nothing’s right, every thing is wrong.

it’s 4 in the morning, i should get some sleep.. need to be up in 3 hours. turn the lights off and lay down.

4:05.. 4:15.. 4:30… tossing and turning. finally i give up i cannot sleep or lay still for the life of me and when i try i feel the blood pumping in my veins, i feel my heart beating so hard it feels like it’s coming out of my chest. i feel every heart beat in my head. i feel it all and im too aware of what’s going on.

i stumble on the web until 630.. decide i can’t sit still in this damned bed anymore. get up shower.. put my uniform on. take two pills, and go downstairs. maybe eat, maybe tell my parents i’m gonna eat at school.

one more pill for the road. music on, seatbelt.. driving. a/c on, i’ll get too hot otherwise. it’s getting warmer.. a/c on highest. i focus on driving, park my car, drink a bit of water or redbull… one more for the morning classes? okay, another pill.

go in, don’t talk to anyone. sit down, pay attention, take notes that are waaay to perfect and detailed. focus on everything, ignore what’s not important.

lunchtime.. can’t eat that’s absurd, sit in the library pretend like i’ve got something really important to work on. start feeling agitated and uncomfortable. another one should calm me down..

i’ll be okay for the rest of the day now. i’ll be okay.

finish the afternoon classes, drive home. get in. a/c on the highest, do work drink lots of water. dinner time.. eat minimal amounts, i’m not hungry.

more work, more homework, more notes, more unimportant bullshit. one more to get me through the night.

time to go to bed?  sat up in bed, tears streaming out of frustration. can’t sleep, can’t sit still, can’t get comfortable, can’t stop thinking, can’t stop anything, nothing’s right, every thing is wrong.

somethings wrong when a 16 year old girl can become an addict on prescription pills.

it started occasionally, i needed to study harder for exams. but like it is with all drugs, the rush went away. quicker and quicker it would dissolve. solution? more pills. more pills, and finally too many pills. panic attacks, dizzy spells, fainting. sickening thinking about how much i screwed with my body, how much i fried my brain.

i can still wake up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, heart literally pounding, shaking.. feeling withdrawals.

i hate adderall, i hate all those pills. imagining how my high school years would’ve been without them.. it’s not right. it shouldn’t be the easiest thing to get your hands on, and it shouldn’t be socially acceptable to take them. you wouldn’t be okay with it if your friends smoked crack before an exam would you? after kicking my habit, i shudder to even think about being on it again. i can’t respect students who take adderall to succeed. call me a hypocrite.

i got on the dean’s list on my own last term, no drugs no extra help, on my own! i have a reason to be proud.. i never felt proud when i got an A on adderall.. it still wasn’t good enough. do you feel proud knowing you’ve cheated? it is cheating. your pushing your brain to work in an unreasonable  state, your cheating yourself of social interaction and creativity. all for what? an A? A+? not worth it.

i know there’s so many reasons why adderall is appealing, but i know too well all the reasons why it’s not as well. i just simply cannot agree with students who take the drug, because that’s what it is a drug. you think you’re not doing anything wrong but if you aren’t prescribed it or aren’t actually ADHD then it’s illegal, just like any other drug.

at the end of the day it’s still substance abuse.

some days i win, some days i don’t. the hardest part is accepting the days that i don’t win. finding the will to get up in the morning. finding the balance with food, not eating too much, not avoiding eating. today’s one of those days.

struggling. struggling with everything.

wanted to go running tomorrow, but simon forgot my running shoes at his. technically not his fault since i forgot them in the first place. i just got so frustrated though, i really wanted to go running. just the feeling of having exercised makes it alright in my mind for me to eat anything i want.

but it shouldn’t be that way. i shouldn’t have to exercise to feel okay about eating. i should feel okay no matter what. and believe me, i want to feel okay.

used to love watching it when i lived in the states. the girls are gorgeous there’s no doubt about it.

looking through the pictures i found myself thinking ‘i need to get to the gym,’ ‘i need to stop eating junk food,’ ‘my thighs are too fat,’ ect ect.

then i thought again, who am i to compare myself to a super model? why should they be the ideal set for the rest of us?

they’re supposedly the ‘most gorgeous girls in the world,’ and there’s no doubt about the fact that the girls are stunning, but their bodies…? aren’t a few of them a little bit too skinny? do guys actually find them that attractive? would my boyfriend prefer a girl with legs twice the length of my upper torso?

maybe i’m being stupid.

however, at the end of the day girls should be happy with their own bodies. you can’t change genetics, but you can change the way you see yourself.

the models are only human, and seeing her bum in this picture makes me feel a little bit better about myself, as bad as that is.

is now my home. and i freaking love it. went for a walk down to oxford street today with simon and took a longer way. walked down marylebone high road and my god, its so amazing. just cute little shops. restaurants. everything i could ask for to be close by as well. i love it. i don’t know how they’re ever going to get me to leave!

woke up feeling tired tired tired. but i dragged myself out of bed, and then went to get breakfast. boy’s flat door was locked. so i had to wait till one of them got back from their exam for some food. not having food always makes me grumpy. ate breakfast. and now i’m just sat here feeling really angry for some reason. maybe it was because i started looking at flats and realized i have no money, and will not be able to afford anything. debbie downer i know, but whatever. pissed off, going to do some bullshit work for uni and whatever. maybe take a walk just because it’s so nice outside, and that will have to cheer me up.