i am the person i’ve always been. i haven’t changed a bit. i still hurt the ones that love me the most. i’m still just a stupid little girl who thinks she’s bigger and better. the worst part is that ed’s back, and i know he wants to stay.

Ed’s back and i’m trying so hard to push him out of my life. i’m trying to avoid his advice, i’m trying to drown out his words with loud music. i’m trying to be good. i’m trying not to fall back into his trap.

sat here with an empty stomach, head aching with thoughts stress and emotions, and tears falling down my face. i feel comfortable, it’s like i’m back in his arms. it’s like he’s come back to protect me when i’ve fallen down. he’s back to pick me up again and tell me it’s going to be okay. all i have to do is stop eating and he’s happy. he’s so easy to please. he’s going to be with me no matter what i do. no matter how many mistakes i make, as long as i keep my end of the bargain he’ll be here holding my hand.

he’ll even hold my hair back if i need him when im sick. he’s so loving and caring. he keeps telling me about how good im being, how it’s okay to not eat dinner. how tomorrow i should skip breakfast before class, i’ll look good with a flat stomach. after all who needs food in the morning? it’s pointless isn’t it. he wants me to stay with him, he says he still loves me even though i left him for a while. he says he’ll always take me back. he says he forgives me for rejecting him so many times. and i know deep in my heart he’ll never leave me. after all he’s been with me all along, i’ve just chosen to ignore him.

but then reality hits me. no, i have no appetite or want to eat, but i have to. no matter how hard it’s been the last couple of weeks, and no matter how hard it is tonight i have to get that food in me somehow. i have to eat to survive, i have to live. a life with Ed, is no life at all. it’s torture and hell, and i know no matter how bad i feel now, i will feel worse if i let him back into my life. i have to pick myself up, i have to believe that i can make things better. i have to believe that i’ll be happy again. i have to believe that i’ll be okay. because at the end of the day i have so many things to be grateful for, and going back to Ed means just throwing them away. i’m not hurting my body anymore, and i’m certaintly not hurting myself anymore. i’m past that, and yes i’ll look back on the past.. but i will never feel good about it, i’ll look back and remember how much i was hurting, and i’ll remember why i left him in the first place.

“No I can’t take one more step towards you, cause all that’s waiting is regret. I learned to live, half-alive.. and now you want me one more time? Don’t come back for me. I hear you’re asking all around, if I am anywhere to be found, but I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms. It took so long just to feel alright. Remember how to put back the light in my eyes… I wish I had missed the first time that we met, cause you broke all your promises. And now you’re back …you don’t get to get me back.”

“one day i will be fully recovered for forever. i will never again turn to Ed.” April 18th, 2009. written by me.

breakfast this morning wasn’t good. i had to force myself to eat a slice of bread and some yogurt while cleaning my room. then when me and Simon finally got off our asses to go to the gym i was hungry again.. there wasn’t any lunch at home so i decided to get something at tesco’s on the way. mistake. nothing looked appealing. i found a salad i liked, but of course there wasn’t any plastic forks so how was i supposed to eat it, with my hands? so i put that back. didn’t want another one of their nasty sandwiches.. so i opted for a chicken pasta thing. got a bottle of water and thought i was set! i was already frustrated cause i didn’t get any food that i actually felt like eating, and i hate spending money on food. i think it’s a waste. the less i buy the less i eat.. makes sense no? but it’s not good for me i know. either way we started walking towards the gym while i was eating, and well after two bites i wanted to be sick. the pasta made my mouth taste like poison and the chicken just made my stomach churn, not cause it tasted bad but because i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want it. i didn’t want to add more to my stomach. it felt stupid eating before a work out. what’s the point? but you can’t work out on an empty stomach, it’s not smart. i broke down and started crying, and poor simon was so confused. it’s hard when i can’t explain what’s going on, half the time i don’t even know! i was just so frustrated that my ed thoughts are coming back. i was mad at myself, the eating disorder, everything. i was upset, and frustrated. but we kept walking, i ended up throwing away the pasta cause i couldn’t bare to look at it. i didn’t want it. simon said he wouldn’t let me work out on an empty stomach so we went into somerfields and i bought a banana and a smoothie. it filled me up and it wasn’t as difficult to eat. i don’t know why the pasta was so hard but it was. it was like Ed was set on me not eating it, i wasn’t allowed and i listened. next time i’ll make the choices, i’ll pick something i will eat. i will eat it. i’m sick of ed bossing me around. i want to eat without any worries, i want to just eat. just be.

all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ‘support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.

I don’t feel the way I used to anymore. Nothings changed, yet I’m not happy. I feel fat all the time. I hate myself for letting go. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I can’t help it. A negative comment sends me swirling downhill. Maybe it’s finally all out of my system. Maybe the Prozac has let me go. I’m standing on my own two feet and hurting on my own two feet. feeling the pain, sadness, and hurt. Knowing I can change it at any time. Yet that’s not how I want to go about it. I don’t want to be sick. I want a healthy life. I want to be able to love, feel the ups and downs, live, and fucking eat a meal without thinking of where it’s going. I’m not happy with my body.

i ran away today. ran from the noise. chose not to listen. chose to do it my way. forgot about the lies running through my head. listened to the truth. its hard knowing sometimes which is right. ignored the voices. decided to be strong. didnt fight. didnt put up my walls and bring out my armor. just let it be. i didnt decide i wanted to be someone else. i dealt with my issues. yes i am not perfect. but who is? theres no medicine that can fix this. there is no easy fix. the hardest part is recognizing it. im past that. im to the point where the voices dont even matter anymore. i know they only want to bring me down. theres nothing that beats being honest to yourself. lying only becomes a bad habit, which gets you into a bad circle of habits. been there. not fun. i think writing on here has helped me a tremendous amount. i cant lie. i cant lie to myself, my friends, or my family. i cant lie to the people i dont know. its sort of a way of keeping me on track. ive made it this far, i cant let anything get in the way now. i will never ever again let bulimia tear me down. im better than bingeing and purging. im healthy. for all you girls out there who still are having problems, healthy doesnt mean im fat. it doesnt mean ive gained weight. healthy means im living life, without Ed constantly on my back or in my head. im getting to happy. one day i will be fully recovered for forever. i will never again turn to Ed.