nothing like starting the day with some orange juice, eggs, and an episode of american dad. feels amazing to be able to sleep in (even if i got up at 9), i woke up in the middle of the night in a panic because i hadn’t set my alarm to get up in the morning.. needless to say i forgot i was on holiday. it’s going to take me some time to fully relax, but i need this right now, my emotions are still on the fritz.

I may not look it, but i feel fanfuckingtastic. A cheeky girls night out is what i needed. A jug of alcohol (no joke), a couple of idiots trying to chat me up, a few cheeky texts from people, and some sketchy journalists trying to follow me home..

i know not a lot of that sounds appealing but it’s made me feel ALIVE. i’m still living, weather it’s alone or with someone else, i’m alive, i’m living my life. it’s mine, and nothing or no one can take this from me.

i was going to continue blogging today about my trip. i was going to blog about what i’ve done today. i was going to have a good day on my own.

but it’s ruined. i’m trying to figure out what kind of emotions i’m even feeling anymore, and if it really is worth it?

why does this one thing work me up so damn much? and why do i want to walk away rather than stay..

i don’t want to leave my flat anymore, i don’t want to meet up with anybody, i don’t want to feel anything. i don’t want to be in this situation.

i hate you so much for doing this to me, OVER and over again. why can’t you just see that it’s painful? why don’t you understand that you’re being the bad guy.

every time i go through this i love you a little bit less.

the reason i have this blog is because it helps me. it makes me happy, it allows me to let go of my negative emotions, it allows me to vent when i can’t turn to anyone else. it allows me to deal with my emotions in a positive way. it’s not for me to write shit about other people, even though i do vent sometimes. it’s not a place i go to do my dirty work. if i have a problem with you, i’ll go to you personally. i can’t take people getting upset over my blog because it’s pointless and stupid.  i’ve gotten comments from people saying that i whine a lot and that im always negative, and on the blog it seems so a lot, but people have to understand that when im happy, and truly loving my life, im not sat in front of my computer. i’m out there doing things, being with the people i love. then at the end of the day i may choose to share what i’ve done with you guys, or i may not. unlike a lot of blogs my private life is often on display. i don’t have a problem saying the truth, admitting to mistakes, or reliving the past. i do it because it helps remind me of the pain and hurt i dealt with. and i hope that it can help others as well. i want people to know they are not alone. eating disorders, depression, drug problems, bad days, good days, nobody is ever alone. i don’t really know what i’m trying to say but i appreciate the comments. negative or positive. i appreciate people reading this. i appreciate waking up to facebook messages from my friends and acquaintances making sure im okay. it’s a nice to know i’m not alone. it makes it all worthwhile.

i’ve held it in. and i’ve held it in long enough. i’m not going to say who or any details like that because it’s stupid. i’m not putting anyone in situations that aren’t needed. however i do feel i need to express my feelings. the childishness that goes on in my life is up to me. i can act like a child but it’s because im enjoying life like a child. i don’t do it to hurt other’s or make other’s lives difficult. people i thought were close to me betrayed me. i know they probably don’t realize it but i’m really hurt. im frustrated and im angry. im keeping it inside. i’ve got nowhere to turn to. how do i express my feelings without hurting others? it’s just some people go beyond the line. some things are personal. some things should not be read or tampered with. it’s private. and im sure as hell you wouldn’t like it if i went and snooked around in your private things. i used to like certain people but in the last couple of months it’s just shown how different we are. i will not stay in touch. i do not want them in my life. i do not need them. im tired of the same old same old. i don’t think certain people will ever mature. ever make a life for themselves.

then do it.

[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vA-PcyACc40[/youtube]

ive been fighting back my tears all day. i feel like one wrong word, or one move will set me off. but when i got home and sat down ready for the waterfall nothing came. im so irritated. everytime someone asks me if im okay im about to break down, yet when i allow myself to i wont. what is this? some sick cry for attention? i wish i wasnt here alone right now. its funny though i go to see my dad in the hospital and hes worrying about me being okay, weather or not im eating, if im being good. so typical of him. it was hard to see him at first. so out of it. so helpless. but the nurses assured me that hes doing very well. even though i didnt think it looked like it. he was drifting in and out of sleep and didnt really grip what the time was. i can understand that with all the heavy drugs hes on. i wanted to stay. i wanted to be there all night looking after him. i felt like i was doing a better job than the nurses, giving him water, fixing his bed, doing this, doing that. but i guess thats just the emotions kicking in. when i was leaving one of the nurses asked me how i was doing and of course my eyes watered up. so she sat with me in the waiting room telling me it was all right and that its a shame im all alone. so she gave me her phone number and told me to call her whenever, and if i wanted to just take a walk she would be delighted to go with me. she has two dogs, both cocker-spaniels so i think were going to take a walk tomorrow. i thought it was very nice of her to offer.  then right as i walked up to our building i see michael, a guy dad works with. he asks how dads doing and offers me to go to dinner with him and his wife and then to a jazz festival in howth. i said yes because i need some interaction and i cant just sit here and mope. i need to get out. plus theyre very nice people. lets hope i can make it through the evening without crying in public.