Nothing like a bit of shopping to give you motivation. I went to GAP and bought two new shirts, a pair of shorts, and some pants to go to the gym in! Not sure which one i’m joining when i get back to london, but i know i need to do it asap.

going to the gym in a bit with my father.

i’m still sick but it shouldn’t matter too much, i need some exercise! (specially before the beach next week )

so let’s hope i don’t collapse on the treadmill as i’ve barely moved a muscle in ages!

some days i win, some days i don’t. the hardest part is accepting the days that i don’t win. finding the will to get up in the morning. finding the balance with food, not eating too much, not avoiding eating. today’s one of those days.

struggling. struggling with everything.

wanted to go running tomorrow, but simon forgot my running shoes at his. technically not his fault since i forgot them in the first place. i just got so frustrated though, i really wanted to go running. just the feeling of having exercised makes it alright in my mind for me to eat anything i want.

but it shouldn’t be that way. i shouldn’t have to exercise to feel okay about eating. i should feel okay no matter what. and believe me, i want to feel okay.

ugh. conflicting ideas in my head again and it’s no bueno. feeling guilty over food i’ve eaten isn’t helping the situation. i want to go for a run but A) ITS FREEZING OUTSIDE B) ive got a headache and C) i am tired!

i keep telling myself i need to start working out but it’s just not happening. joining the gym after christmas and i know it’ll be better then but i’m not worried about that, im worried about being in a bikini in mexico.

it’s not that i want to lose weight, i just want to get in shape. some muscles here and there maybe.

frustrating that this is coming back again.

got up early this morning. not too early, almost as if i was going to a 9 am lecture..

however, i ended up struggling up a mountain! we got rather lucky with the weather though!

a bit windy at the top, but no rain until we were safely back in the car.

the view was very nice looking over the lake district, but i don’t think my knees would be able to handle to walk down again. they were killing me

then we went into keswick, i went nuts over all the nice dogs wandering around and enjoyed being in the rain (as much as possible, haha)

after eating a lovely curry for dinner with simon, i needed exercise but a run was just not going to happen, too stuffed.

so instead i went for a brisk walk. found some new streets. some new nice places and some new not so nice places.

happy i don’t live in marble arch that’s all.

got really dizzy when i came in so i’ve been sat drinking water still trying to digest the food!

out of 4. then its another weekend with another essay. student life at its finest.

ive got two classes this morning. going in early to print my essay out as well. finish around 1230 and then i don’t suppose i’ll want to go for a run in the park.. but you never know!

simon’s coming over later on today.. only cause its faster for him to get to hockey from here

went for a walk around the lakes here with leif. was really nice and sunny, and hot and sticky as well. but i’m not complaining. it was good to get out for a bit. get some fresh air. stop thinking.

sitting here watching a tv show called “superskinny vs. supersized” and i’m disgusted by the fat people and jealous of the skinny ones. im scared to go back to what i was. i never had problems with my face before but now i look at pictures and say i’ve got a chubby face. i look at pictures from a while ago and think i was pretty. now im not. when i think about it the ‘pretty’ pictures are always from when i was sick. from when i was stuffing myself full until bursting point and hurling myself into the bathroom. just today i was looking up diet pills on the internet and then asked myself what the hell is going on? why am i doing this? is ed back? is my bulimia trying to push me over the edge again? because i wont do it. i know ill never be happy with my body or who i am, but i can exercise. i can workout, and i can eat healthy. i can live my life without drugs, pills, and sickness. i can live a good life. i dont need an illness to make me feel good enough.

so first we took this bus out to where the spca was supposed to be, but then we realized oh yeah its quite a walk. dad said it would be about 20 min, not bad. ended up being like 40, uphill. hey at least we got some exercise? so dad joking while were walking, maybe they arnt open when we get there. i tell him its not funny, cause seriously this is a long ways away from home. he then proceeds to tell me he already checked the website they dont close until 4 p.m. so we should be good to go. only do we realize when we get to the gates that yeah, it is closed. closed to the public until sunday. talk about bad timing! so im definitely  not walking up there again. maybe if we have a car ill go, otherwise ill look at animals online haha. gotta think positive though it couldnt have been a total waste, we did get a bit of a workout! hehe. then once we finally got back into town dad and i stopped at Milano for a late lunch. i had a delicious margherita pizza and i think i was worth it after all that walking! then dad got a coffee and i just let my stomach rest. now im tired and feeling lazy, i think tonights going to be another movie/tv night!