why do we do the things we do? i never wanted to care this much. i never wanted to hurt anyone. i never wanted to be hurt in return. i never wanted to be here. im sick of feeling inadequate. feeling like i’ll never be the one. i’ll never be good enough. i’ll never be pretty enough. i wont be skinny enough. i wont be who you want me to be.

i try. i try ever damn day. nobody knows how much it hurts me to pretend like it’s okay. like im okay. like im happy. like it’ll all work out okay in the end. it’s never going to be okay. i can’t change anything. i can’t fix what’s already broken. i can’t fix myself for christs sake. i can’t do anything right.

every time things start to look up for me, i do something stupid or something comes in the way and it’s ruined again. i keep falling, and i keep getting back up, but im so tired of falling. i don’t want to trip over my own feet every damn day. i want a life i can be proud of. i want friends who don’t suddenly turn their backs on me over a summer. i want family close to me. i want to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed.

i just want things to be so different.

but i’m me, and i’ll never be that person. i’ll struggle every damn day.

and it doesn’t help that you put me down all the time. you think you’re such a bigger person but you forget that we all make mistakes. i’m not the first person to mess up, and i wont be the last. hopefully someday you’ll realise that your words hurt as well. you’ll realise that the more you make me work, the less i’ll want to. you can’t make someone want something. the more you push, the more i push away. one day i’ll walk away. because we can’t keep this up. and if it means that i’ll have to be the stronger person and walk away from an unhealthy situation, maybe one day you’ll thank me instead of punishing me for wanting to be happy.

another day at uni today. got through my mid-term last week. so now there’s only three more weeks to go. i don’t know if i feel like i’m halfway finished, or halfway into a course. let’s just hope i pass global politics and management in film..

im jealous. i am jealous of the people in the states finished with their first year at college. the people in sweden graduating. the people who know where their life is going. the people on their way to being graduated. the people getting to start fresh, and choose a school. here i am sat in the dark, wondering if i can even pass this year. if i don’t pass i loose my place at regent’s college. if i don’t i have no clue what to do. i don’t want to waste another year. i don’t want to do it. i don’t want to leave london. i don’t know how i’ll handle it. im scared. what if i fall apart. what if i turn back to what i was. if i pass i’ll still be worried. no place to live. no clue where to look for a place to live. no clue what to look for. no clue if i’ll be happy. no clue if it’ll be close enough to the college. no idea if i’ll be able to keep in touch with people from halls. scared to test my relationship. im scared. im scared i’ll be forgotten. replaced. placed in a line of importance. im scared of change.