There’s a swedish blogger who is rather rich and famous, she’s gained weight in the last couple of years it’s pretty obvious yet she’s happy with who she is (at least she says so). She’s curvy and enjoys food, there’s nothing wrong with that. i think it’s important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with being skinny either.

me.. im on the curvy side and even if i enjoy food, i don’t enjoy my body. but i know that there are those people out there who don’t have curves, and that can’t be the easiest battle either.

i think it’s brave to embrace your own body and i just wish i could be happy with mine!

just had a nice lunch with Simon, went to the shop and my total for all of our food came to 1 pound.. made me happy. i’ve been spending way to much money recently. you want to know what the worst part of it all is? the money has only been spent on FOOD! went out with natasha on friday and spent TWO pounds on drinks.. and guess how much i spent on mcdonalds on the way home? three times as much. god im pathetic. need to sort my life out. i wish eating wasn’t necessary to live sometimes.

im struggling to keep sane. i dont know if it is because im stressed. i dont know if its because of uni or if its because of my body. but either way i hate mirrors. i hate my body. i hate the way i look. i hate the way my stomach creates a roll that sits on top of my pants when i sit down. i hate the way my boobs look in every single last bra i own. i hate the way my armpits fold. i hate how big my thighs have become. i hate how my legs and tummy jiggle when i walk.

i hate the way i feel about myself.

i want to wake up in the morning and not have my first thought be able how much weight ive gained in the last couple of months.

i want to get ready for my lectures and be happy with how i look. i want to be happy.

i hate having this cloud following me around, because i can’t get rid of it. i may not show it, but every minute of the day i think about food, and what it will do to my body. i dont want to be back in this place. it makes me unhappy and confused. why am i here?

so over christmas i’m going to work out. im going to get fit again, i want to walk up a flight of stairs and not feel out of breath. i want to look in the mirror and see toned muscles. i just want to be able to tolerate my body again. i want to eat healthy, and i want to be able to eat without hating myself every bite of the way.

i just want to be okay with what i look like.

why do we do the things we do? i never wanted to care this much. i never wanted to hurt anyone. i never wanted to be hurt in return. i never wanted to be here. im sick of feeling inadequate. feeling like i’ll never be the one. i’ll never be good enough. i’ll never be pretty enough. i wont be skinny enough. i wont be who you want me to be.

i try. i try ever damn day. nobody knows how much it hurts me to pretend like it’s okay. like im okay. like im happy. like it’ll all work out okay in the end. it’s never going to be okay. i can’t change anything. i can’t fix what’s already broken. i can’t fix myself for christs sake. i can’t do anything right.

every time things start to look up for me, i do something stupid or something comes in the way and it’s ruined again. i keep falling, and i keep getting back up, but im so tired of falling. i don’t want to trip over my own feet every damn day. i want a life i can be proud of. i want friends who don’t suddenly turn their backs on me over a summer. i want family close to me. i want to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed.

i just want things to be so different.

but i’m me, and i’ll never be that person. i’ll struggle every damn day.

and it doesn’t help that you put me down all the time. you think you’re such a bigger person but you forget that we all make mistakes. i’m not the first person to mess up, and i wont be the last. hopefully someday you’ll realise that your words hurt as well. you’ll realise that the more you make me work, the less i’ll want to. you can’t make someone want something. the more you push, the more i push away. one day i’ll walk away. because we can’t keep this up. and if it means that i’ll have to be the stronger person and walk away from an unhealthy situation, maybe one day you’ll thank me instead of punishing me for wanting to be happy.

went to dinner with sophia and alexandra on marylebone high street. went to strada had a lush pasta dish. finished every last bite.. as you do. then alex and i moved on to starbucks for an evening coffee. caramel machiatto.. wow i’m just filling up on calories aren’t i? shit.

any way, now i’m sat on my couch looking out my window at the colorful sky.. fireworks are going off everywhere. it’s the most annoying sound ever. hope this doesn’t go on all night.

Sat here with 400g of toblerone chocolate on my lap, and apparently forgetting about my “beach body” I’m meant to be working for…

Maybe it’s time to come to the conclusion that body image+me will never = satisfaction

ive been meaning to work out for ages now, but the motivation simply just ISNT there. im gonna hang around for a bit and have breakfast.. even though its lunchtime, then maybe ill find some motivation after.. or not. god why can’t i be a running junkie!

as mentioned earlier i went with simon to a pub in putney called the ship on sunday night. thank god it wasn’t raining for once, and we were able to enjoy a tiny bit of sunshine before it got too cold and we had to move inside.

the outside area was quite nice and over looking the thames river! was good to see the hockey boys again, all such ‘nice lads’.. ehem.

should maybe not mention the disgraceful things we did to our mc’donalds on the way home. hello unneeded calories!