I may not look it, but i feel fanfuckingtastic. A cheeky girls night out is what i needed. A jug of alcohol (no joke), a couple of idiots trying to chat me up, a few cheeky texts from people, and some sketchy journalists trying to follow me home..

i know not a lot of that sounds appealing but it’s made me feel ALIVE. i’m still living, weather it’s alone or with someone else, i’m alive, i’m living my life. it’s mine, and nothing or no one can take this from me.

some days i win, some days i don’t. the hardest part is accepting the days that i don’t win. finding the will to get up in the morning. finding the balance with food, not eating too much, not avoiding eating. today’s one of those days.

struggling. struggling with everything.

wanted to go running tomorrow, but simon forgot my running shoes at his. technically not his fault since i forgot them in the first place. i just got so frustrated though, i really wanted to go running. just the feeling of having exercised makes it alright in my mind for me to eat anything i want.

but it shouldn’t be that way. i shouldn’t have to exercise to feel okay about eating. i should feel okay no matter what. and believe me, i want to feel okay.

woke up feeling tired tired tired. but i dragged myself out of bed, and then went to get breakfast. boy’s flat door was locked. so i had to wait till one of them got back from their exam for some food. not having food always makes me grumpy. ate breakfast. and now i’m just sat here feeling really angry for some reason. maybe it was because i started looking at flats and realized i have no money, and will not be able to afford anything. debbie downer i know, but whatever. pissed off, going to do some bullshit work for uni and whatever. maybe take a walk just because it’s so nice outside, and that will have to cheer me up.

to fix everything. plan everything. and sort everything out. we’ve rented a house in sweden for midsummer week and i am STOKED. so excited! be with the family, friends, and boyfriend. in the archipelagos as well! so prettttty. it’s a seafront property and it’s got a sauna and i have a feeling it might rain all midsummer (always does) but i could care less.

it’s funny how somethings never change. the feelings that wont ever go away. the resentment and hatred you can have for someone, and never let it go. the thought of a person can make your blood boil. and being around them just all around annoys you. some people aren’t meant to get along though. some of us just can’t be friends. and sometimes its sad but when i think about it, do i need this person in my life? will they actually change anything? and at the end of the day the answer will always be no. i do not need that bullshit in my life. no i will never like you, and no we will never be friends.

bought some tulips yesterday when we were at the grocery store. 5 pounds and the whole kitchen just looks lovelier does remind me of Sweden and Emmelie a lot. i think it’s because we always bought them when we lived together last year. and sometimes after work i’d buy some and bring them home just because they were purple or pretty. loser i know, but flowers do make a big difference. plus they make me a bit happier in the morning, rather than just a plain dirty kitchen.

so i got a question on formspring and i figured i’d put it on here as well cause you never know who it might help. so here goes nothing…

How do you not feel guilty about what you have eaten? I’m struggling with an eating disorder, and sometimes I can go out to a restaurant and not feel bad..but other times(like today) I feel soooo guilty and bad about what I ate at the restaurant.Any tips?

oh dear. it is a constant struggle. i can tell you even after recovery and coming up on two years free from bulimia (yay!) i still struggle. the key is to keep busy. after eating don’t just sit on your bum (no i dont mean exercise) and feel bad about yourself. go on facebook, play with a dog, talk to your friends. just keep your mind busy while your stomach gets over that initial reaction. then afterwards you might still feel guilty but why? your body needs food to survive. you need food. as much as you hate it you NEED it. now if you’re a binger like i was, the key is to eat at a normal pace. i guess what im trying to say is to just be content with it. don’t pick the salad cause it’ll make you feel better, work at small paces. learn to listen to your moods as well, what foods make you feel guilty? maybe try to stay away from those on bad days.

going to a kickboxing class tonight and hopefully it’ll help sort me out. i’ve been in a weird mood all day. busy but proactive. tired but energized. bored but have things to do. happy but sad. it’s just hard feeling this way some days. either way i’ve been good today. went to the park. socialized. looked for jobs. have an interview tomorrow. going kick boxing tonight. eating healthy. i just wanna be happy.

i think i got up at drank about 3 pints of water throughout the night. people underestimate my hangovers. they’re terrible. it’s like hell on earth. can’t eat, but i’m hungry. can’t sleep, but i’m dead tired. can’t do anything, but i’m bored. i feel sick, but i can’t be sick. i feel alright one moment and hellish the next. oh daddy why have you given me theses genes? i don’t feel too bad today but thursday, oooh my dear lord! hehe.

and he makes me happy. simple as that.