exchanging family and friends for london. this time tomorrow i’ll be back in london.. mixed feelings.

woke up feeling tired tired tired. but i dragged myself out of bed, and then went to get breakfast. boy’s flat door was locked. so i had to wait till one of them got back from their exam for some food. not having food always makes me grumpy. ate breakfast. and now i’m just sat here feeling really angry for some reason. maybe it was because i started looking at flats and realized i have no money, and will not be able to afford anything. debbie downer i know, but whatever. pissed off, going to do some bullshit work for uni and whatever. maybe take a walk just because it’s so nice outside, and that will have to cheer me up.

it’s funny how somethings never change. the feelings that wont ever go away. the resentment and hatred you can have for someone, and never let it go. the thought of a person can make your blood boil. and being around them just all around annoys you. some people aren’t meant to get along though. some of us just can’t be friends. and sometimes its sad but when i think about it, do i need this person in my life? will they actually change anything? and at the end of the day the answer will always be no. i do not need that bullshit in my life. no i will never like you, and no we will never be friends.

i’ve held it in. and i’ve held it in long enough. i’m not going to say who or any details like that because it’s stupid. i’m not putting anyone in situations that aren’t needed. however i do feel i need to express my feelings. the childishness that goes on in my life is up to me. i can act like a child but it’s because im enjoying life like a child. i don’t do it to hurt other’s or make other’s lives difficult. people i thought were close to me betrayed me. i know they probably don’t realize it but i’m really hurt. im frustrated and im angry. im keeping it inside. i’ve got nowhere to turn to. how do i express my feelings without hurting others? it’s just some people go beyond the line. some things are personal. some things should not be read or tampered with. it’s private. and im sure as hell you wouldn’t like it if i went and snooked around in your private things. i used to like certain people but in the last couple of months it’s just shown how different we are. i will not stay in touch. i do not want them in my life. i do not need them. im tired of the same old same old. i don’t think certain people will ever mature. ever make a life for themselves.

going out. to take my mind off of things. to get rid of the mind ghosts. to be social. to feel something again.

i’m tired of being tired. i’m tired of people. i’m tired of this bullshit university i’m at. i’m tired of waiting. i’m just tired of being tired all the fucking time. i don’t want to do this anymore. i’m tired of always wanting. wanting things i’ll never have. i want (see there i go again) to wake up and have a full day without the words ‘i want’ to come to my mind. i want to be satisfied with my life. ever felt like your stood alone with people walking by while your holding a big sign saying ‘i’m here’. i just want someone to notice me. for someone to ask my how my day was. to see if i’m okay. maybe i just crave too much from people..

it’s one of those situations where i’m to afraid to ask what’s changed. what’s different. why things aren’t they way the should be. why i left and returned to nothing. i don’t think i want to know why there’s no spark anymore. why my flame’s burnt out. why i feel like i’m working for something that will never exist. why there’s a one way street when there should be two. i feel used, hurt, and abandoned. i should be walking on clouds but instead it’s pins and needles. i’m lost and i don’t know which way to go..

you have no clue what it feels like to be in my situation. don’t you dare patronize me. you don’t know how it feels to wake up even more exhausted than you were when you went to bed. what it’s like wishing for things to change. looking out the window at the sun and wanting to crawl into a dark hole. being happy one second and then sitting alone and crying the next. getting angry at small things. getting fed up with your own feelings. i struggle every day. i work at it every day. i may not show it but i struggle. i struggle a lot. there’s not a day that goes by without me pulling my shit together. so yeah, i fall apart sometimes. sometimes i break down. sometimes i let my feelings get the best of me. but you can’t say anything. you know why? because i’ve done it. i got through it all. i’m living my life without drugs. without the pills. with food. without throwing up after every meal. i haven’t made myself sick in almost two years. i got off of my anti-depressants. i did it on my own. i didn’t need help from my family. i didn’t need my friends to help keep me on my feet. i did it. I did it. not my therapist. not my parents. i did it all on my own. i’ve got so much to be proud of and yet you try to tear me down every single time. can’t you see how strong i am? can’t you see that you can’t have what i have? when im happy, i am genuinely happy. no pills to make it better. its just me. so tell me what have you done to make your situation better?

so the last day without the boys was yesterday, granted i missed simon like no other but it was still nice to just be us. for the kitchen to stay clean. for the flat to be quite. for some girl time. we went to camden to soak up the lovely weather and i had a nice pub lunch. i know it doesn’t sound nice but there’s nothing like a fresh salad when the sun is shining outside. we had a few drinks and just spent the day lounging around. very nice! planned to go out for our last night but when we got in everyone was too tired and lazy, no regrets there! simon came and woke me up at 5 when id gone to bed at like 2-3. bet my breath was a nice welcome home present, ha!