i don’t think i’ve ever been so scared in my life, but i know that this too i will conquer. i have made it through more turmoil in the last five years than some people do in a lifetime, and if someone wants to take praise for why i’m still standing, then go ahead. go ahead. lie to yourself, because believe me, you are not the reason i am who i am. yes, for the last two years i spent a lot of time with a boy, a boy who meant so much to me. someone i truly gave my all, i was ready to do anything for him. i gave up friendships, i spent more time with him than i should’ve. i didn’t waste my first years of living alone or being at university, but i didn’t live it to the fullest either. i don’t regret anything, because he’s taught me so much. he helped me through some of the toughest battles, but without him i’d still be strong, and i will be strong without him. i’ve got amazing family and friends and even if i’ll be alone at first, i will find my way. i always do. plus being just me for a while is probably the healthiest thing for me right now. never mind my grades are skyrocketing

i made some mistakes, and that’s on me. i don’t neglect the fact that i hurt him too, and in no way am i trying to say that what i did was acceptable because of how he made me feel. i’m mature enough to know that what i did was wrong, and i am strong enough to say sorry and admit my faults.

the thing is i can’t keep lying to myself. there was a reason behind my actions, i didn’t just wake up one day and decide to ruin one of the greatest things i’ve ever had. but what i’ve come to see is that i didn’t ruin it alone, we did. after constantly being put down, constantly being neglected, knowing that i was holding somebody back, that this somebody who i would trade the world for didn’t even think i was worth deleting a simple nobody off of facebook for… how was i supposed to continue? how was i supposed to ignore the messages, the words written, the verbal abuse, how was i supposed to say it was okay and fake a smile? how do you love somebody who says so much, yet does so little to prove it? 

things could’ve been so different today. things would’ve been on track and i would be sitting here writing about how damn happy this boy makes me. the truth is, he hasn’t made me happy for a while now. the amount of phone calls to my sister, the tears, the hurt and emptiness inside me.. that’s not what a relationship is.

i’ve been pushed around for far too long. if he can’t realise that what he did hurt me, and that it was a factor in this equation, then fixing our relationship is not worth my time. it hurts more than i ever thought something like this would. i feel destroyed and i don’t know how to live without him, but this is not healthy. i am not healthy right now. i’m in a hole that we’re both digging deeper and deeper. we’ve both got our walls up, and neither of us is letting the other one past, and that is not a relationship. a relationship is based on a friendship with someone who is special to you and right now we are not friends, there is no trust, there is no love. there is no love. that to me is shameful. the fact that we both neglected each other’s feelings to a point that we’ve ruined what we had in the first place. it takes two people in a relationship, not one. i can’t fight our battles alone. i can’t make him love me, i can’t make these problems go away.

if he’s not willing to prove to me that i’m worth it, then why on earth would i get down on my knees and beg for him to stay with me? it doesn’t make sense in my mind. i love him, i truly do, and this is the most open i’ve been about it since it all fell apart, but i can’t stay with him if he doesn’t make the commitment to change as well. the longer we keep lying to ourselves, the more pain we’ll cause ourselves in the long run, and when.. when do we decide enough fighting is enough? when do i stop crying myself to sleep at night? when do i decide i want to live again and not just be?

i want nothing more than for us to work it out. nothing. i want us to be us again. i want it so bad it hurts just thinking about it. there’s an emptiness inside me that only he can fill, and if he’s not willing to then i need to find my own way to fill it. i need to stand up for myself, i need to get through this as well. i know i will, but i know it’s going to be a long journey.

this isn’t us, and it’s up to him to either change it or end it for good.

what do you do when there’s a fork in the road, and you’re the one that’s caused it but then you don’t know which path to take?

at what point do you call it quits? i mean things will NEVER be the same again, we will never be just us the way we used to be. the worst part of all of this pain and confusion, on both sides, is knowing that i’m the reason behind it. i’m the one that’s messed us up, i’m the one that broke our relationship. but there it is again, my guilt and regret will never be enough to fix us, it’ll just be pathetic words that don’t mean anything now that i’ve lied. i’ve violated our trust and i’ve violated his respect for me.

i don’t know where to go from here. do i put my all into this relationship, only to find out a few months down the road that the resentment is still there? or do i do the ‘noble’ thing and walk away? my head and my heart are telling me two different things. it’s easy to sit here and say it’s over and we can call it quits, but the fact is he’s been my everything for two years now. all of my memories involve him, all the trips, and the fights. the growing i’ve done as a person has been with him. how do you walk away from something like that? how do you say i’ll stop loving you entirely? undoubtedly my feelings have been altered, or else i wouldn’t have been able to do the things i did, but there’s still something there. every time i see him i’m scared he’s going to be lost for forever.

but then there’s the other option. so we get back together eventually.. all the hatred and disgust from his family and friends. how do you deal with that? how do you get over the fact that every single person in his life thinks i’m worth less than dog shit? i mean his mother’s already raised the price of our trip to Greece from 350 to 800 pounds.. and don’t even get me started on that. his brother thinks he should’ve hit me by now. and his best friends deleted me off of facebook. also he’s put facebook status updates like ‘how do you get revenge on an exgirlfriend’ ‘my girlfriends a slut’ ect. there’s no going past that. only two people in a relationship have the right to judge. only those two people will ever know what goes on behind closed doors.

i’m in no way trying to say what i did was acceptable, because it was wrong on every level.

however when it’s open for the world to judge it complicates things. he’ll constantly hear negative from the people around him, and i’ll constantly be degraded by it. so in the end will it be worth it? we can’t go back to what we’ve had. would it be easier to say good bye and thank you for the memories, or do you give love another chance? i feel like maybe it’s time for me to be alone. i’ve been in relationships for a while now, maybe it’s time for me to simply ‘do me’. learn to deal with everything on my own, live my own life and grow as a person alone. maybe then i’ll stop making mistakes and act like a sane person.

I may not look it, but i feel fanfuckingtastic. A cheeky girls night out is what i needed. A jug of alcohol (no joke), a couple of idiots trying to chat me up, a few cheeky texts from people, and some sketchy journalists trying to follow me home..

i know not a lot of that sounds appealing but it’s made me feel ALIVE. i’m still living, weather it’s alone or with someone else, i’m alive, i’m living my life. it’s mine, and nothing or no one can take this from me.

exchanging family and friends for london. this time tomorrow i’ll be back in london.. mixed feelings.

woke up feeling tired tired tired. but i dragged myself out of bed, and then went to get breakfast. boy’s flat door was locked. so i had to wait till one of them got back from their exam for some food. not having food always makes me grumpy. ate breakfast. and now i’m just sat here feeling really angry for some reason. maybe it was because i started looking at flats and realized i have no money, and will not be able to afford anything. debbie downer i know, but whatever. pissed off, going to do some bullshit work for uni and whatever. maybe take a walk just because it’s so nice outside, and that will have to cheer me up.

it’s funny how somethings never change. the feelings that wont ever go away. the resentment and hatred you can have for someone, and never let it go. the thought of a person can make your blood boil. and being around them just all around annoys you. some people aren’t meant to get along though. some of us just can’t be friends. and sometimes its sad but when i think about it, do i need this person in my life? will they actually change anything? and at the end of the day the answer will always be no. i do not need that bullshit in my life. no i will never like you, and no we will never be friends.

i’ve held it in. and i’ve held it in long enough. i’m not going to say who or any details like that because it’s stupid. i’m not putting anyone in situations that aren’t needed. however i do feel i need to express my feelings. the childishness that goes on in my life is up to me. i can act like a child but it’s because im enjoying life like a child. i don’t do it to hurt other’s or make other’s lives difficult. people i thought were close to me betrayed me. i know they probably don’t realize it but i’m really hurt. im frustrated and im angry. im keeping it inside. i’ve got nowhere to turn to. how do i express my feelings without hurting others? it’s just some people go beyond the line. some things are personal. some things should not be read or tampered with. it’s private. and im sure as hell you wouldn’t like it if i went and snooked around in your private things. i used to like certain people but in the last couple of months it’s just shown how different we are. i will not stay in touch. i do not want them in my life. i do not need them. im tired of the same old same old. i don’t think certain people will ever mature. ever make a life for themselves.

going out. to take my mind off of things. to get rid of the mind ghosts. to be social. to feel something again.

i’m tired of being tired. i’m tired of people. i’m tired of this bullshit university i’m at. i’m tired of waiting. i’m just tired of being tired all the fucking time. i don’t want to do this anymore. i’m tired of always wanting. wanting things i’ll never have. i want (see there i go again) to wake up and have a full day without the words ‘i want’ to come to my mind. i want to be satisfied with my life. ever felt like your stood alone with people walking by while your holding a big sign saying ‘i’m here’. i just want someone to notice me. for someone to ask my how my day was. to see if i’m okay. maybe i just crave too much from people..