the best things in life are worth waiting for. fighting for, believing in, & just never letting go.

played pub golf on friday. stopped counting after a bit ha! i did five pubs and then decided that ale didn’t taste very nice, and that at least one of us had to be responsible for setting the alarm and getting up for the airport in the morning.

ended up at the dublin castle, really didn’t enjoy it, soo not my scene. by that point most people had disappeared and i definitely didn’t blame alex for leaving, i wanted to go home as well.

of course simon was having a lovely time gaying himself with the boys and the girls, whom all might i add were well over their limits, hehe. he didn’t want to leave so after some short words and waiting outside in the freezing cold he finally managed to leave. standard we always get in fights.

got an hour and a half of sleep that night. should of in hind sight maybe have stayed home so i would’ve been more alert for dublin! bad planning on simon’s part but as long as he had a good time, then that’s all that matters i guess?

i’ve never liked war or any violence of that sort. i really hope the two countries work their shit out because i don’t want to see anything big arise. it’s just scary, can’t imagine how worried i’d be if i actually lived in south korea!

simon got really antsy about just staying in all day yesterday so after dinner we got ready and went out for a quick drink..

little did we know what our night would end up being so much more.

we walked to the high street and went to the marylebone. they had a deal on cocktails, two for one, so i made simon have drinks with me hehe. let me tell you he did not enjoy drinking a watermelon cosmopolitan! (although it was gorgeous) we also tried the pear julip (no bueno), elderflower margarita, and lychee chili! drunk? yes.

then instead of being sensible and going home i somehow convinced simon that going out, just the two of us, was an amazing idea!

so there we were, walking down the high street to oxford street, swigging a bacardi breezer. we must have been quite the sight.

got to strawberry moons and decided to go for the jugs. danced around, acted like idiots, chatted with some americans, then headed home.

for some reason simon decided to be my ‘pimp’, so i sat in corners on oxford street, in heels a dress and a chanel bag, begging for money. i’ve never laughed so hard in my life. thinking about it today, people must have thought i was ridiculous, which i am. then we tried to convince a bike taxi to take us back to mine for 5 pounds.
‘how much is it to marylebone?’
’15′
’5′
’10′
’5′
‘no can do, 10 is the lowest i’m going’
‘never mind then’

and that happened about three different times.

then simon caught sight of the barclays bikes. yep, you guessed it. he decided to take me for a ‘ride’, which more or less included me trying to hold on for my dear life whilst simon tired to stay up right.  we fell, and fell, and fell. then finally i said no more, i’m walking the rest of the way.

so just as we turned off regent’s street a BMV drives up and tried to get my attention, simon blew the guy a kiss. now apparently the guy didn’t like gays, so he got out the car and spat in my face? yeah OOOOOOKAY THEN. it all went downhill from there. 4 dirty sand people against me and simon, seems fair.. not. so another couple walking past decided to help out. and looking back on it now, it would have been soo funny to watch. guys beating up the idiots who started it, one girl trying to claw people’s eyes, and yet another girl hitting the guys with her purse.

called the cops, had their license plate number, waited, waited, waited… then finally the police came and guess who got a ride home in a cop car? me.

not because i’d done anything wrong, simply cause simon asked ‘sooo uhh,.. mind giving us a lift home?’

what a night.

i’ve messed certain things up so bad. woke up this morning wanting to be somebody else. i don’t wanna be me anymore. it’s not all it’s hyped up to be. the mood swings. the problems. everything. i don’t wanna stay here anymore. this isn’t something you can turn around and make positive. it’s just plain ol’ fucked up. and i did it. i fucked it up. i fucked it up for myself and i don’t know how it happened or why. all i know is that it did. i did it. and there’s no going back. there’s no rewind button on life. there’s no way to understand it, or make other people try to see it through your eyes. i might explain later but it hurts to much to think about. i have a feeling things will be totally different soon. my summer wont be what i expected and next year will be different as well. so how do i cope? how do i get out of bed in the mornings knowing that i’ve hurt someone i love in ways that aren’t repairable. i feel like i’ve jumped back two years in my life. don’t think i’ll have much to celebrate on june 20th anymore.

it’s taken me a long time to realize the difference. i used to need drugs. yeah i thought i did, but my life is fine without them. i then wanted them. i wanted the drugs so bad. i wanted that high. i wanted to feel good again. but after a while i then again realized i didn’t want or need them. i thought i needed you. i needed the happiness and the good feelings you brought me. just like another fucking drug. every day i’ve thought to myself about how you’ve always put me last. your needs come first. your family, granted that’s pretty obvious. your friends. everything. your shit comes before me. and after feeling so helpless and unloved so many times it’s got me thinking. i mean nothing. you would replace me in a heartbeat. you treat me like im dirt sometimes. i know im not always easy to deal with, but some things don’t need to be said or done, and it’s to the point where i can deal with things on my own. i have people who love me. i don’t need you. i don’t need your approval. i don’t need you to love me. cause even when you won’t be there for me.. they will. i’ll still be standing on my own two feet. i hope that scares you, because it should. if you even value me just the slightest bit you’d realize what you will be loosing.

so i definitely just had the best bath and shower i’ve had in months. enjoyed it sooooo much. the showers at the student accommodation are shit. i will be in heaven next weekend. the apartment in dublin has amazing beds and the shower is as well! aaah cant wait. anyways now im just waiting for the guys to get back and then we’re watching a fight tonight. world champ from russian, who might i add is HUGE, is fighting a british dude. should be insane. the weight difference and height is just ridiculous! have no clue how this will end up but should be interesting

what a night. friday night we had a party upstairs in the guys flat, halloween themed! i was a cowgirl/daisy duke kind of girl. whatever i had basically. didn’t wanna wear my bunny suit twice! the novelty kind of wares off by the second night. anyways some drama happened on wednesday night apparently between one of our friends j.b. and some girls downstairs. they then decided to come up to our flat party.. and j.b. flipped. got really mad so we pretty much locked him into his room. then the girls started on me. pushed me when i told them to leave for their own safety and so naturally i pushed back so both of them pushed me again. i fell. they then started to kick me while laying down, fucked up much. yes. so then simon got them away and told them to leave. 30 min later they were back up to ‘apologize’ but when i told them to save it for the morning when they were sober they started up on me again. called me twatface hahah i was so offended. its just ridiculous cause these girls look for a fight and were not gunna give it to them. i cant be bothered wasting my energy on something that stupid. after that though everyone had a good night. just a bit shocked still!

okay so i almost forgot to mention this. after a night at the pub or wherever we were we went to mcdonalds, naturally, ha! for a midnight snack. and were standing in line, clearly minding our own buisness. then when it was our turn to order this 30+ year old gets right in front of us. at first i was shocked like wtf? who does she think she is. so she turns around all in my face ´i was in line before you´, obviously not wanting to start anything i didnt answer. im guessing she could hear by the way jonas, rebecca, and i were talking that we thought it was rude and uncalled for. for christs sake your at a mcdonalds.. whats the hurry? anyways had she been in line before us, i would have said my fault, im sorry. and that wouldve been it. i mean where does this grown up get off thinking she can just do whatever the fuck she wants. either way we sit down, and then she ends up at a table near us with someone that i assume was her boyfriend. they start staring, giving us the finger, and then telling us to go back to our own country. like seriously? how old are you? we just sat there and tried to ignore them knowing i was not looking for a fight. so far ive only met nice people here in ireland but that was just uncalled for. so yeah this is what i wouldve liked to do to her..

i ran away today. ran from the noise. chose not to listen. chose to do it my way. forgot about the lies running through my head. listened to the truth. its hard knowing sometimes which is right. ignored the voices. decided to be strong. didnt fight. didnt put up my walls and bring out my armor. just let it be. i didnt decide i wanted to be someone else. i dealt with my issues. yes i am not perfect. but who is? theres no medicine that can fix this. there is no easy fix. the hardest part is recognizing it. im past that. im to the point where the voices dont even matter anymore. i know they only want to bring me down. theres nothing that beats being honest to yourself. lying only becomes a bad habit, which gets you into a bad circle of habits. been there. not fun. i think writing on here has helped me a tremendous amount. i cant lie. i cant lie to myself, my friends, or my family. i cant lie to the people i dont know. its sort of a way of keeping me on track. ive made it this far, i cant let anything get in the way now. i will never ever again let bulimia tear me down. im better than bingeing and purging. im healthy. for all you girls out there who still are having problems, healthy doesnt mean im fat. it doesnt mean ive gained weight. healthy means im living life, without Ed constantly on my back or in my head. im getting to happy. one day i will be fully recovered for forever. i will never again turn to Ed.