i want to go to therapy again. i dont know if this is a step backwards or what it is. maybe its the fact that prozac doesnt pick me up anymore when im down. maybe its the fact that i have gained weight again and im just too lazy to do anything about it. i dont want to rely on working out too much either because i know where that will end. i cant be bothered with this depression bullshit anymore. i dont want to be fucking unhappy. ive got so much to be happy about yet im sitting here at 2 am on a tuesday night crying because of what? no fucking clue. nothing! so sick of myself. i cant sleep because im so damn irritated. i know i have to get up for uni tomorrow as well. irritated. irritated. upset. sad. mad. pissed off. bipolar.

went to dinner with my mamma, then went and returned my ring to Coach because it was too big! then we walked out through the shoes department at nordstroms, haha that should have been a clue! ended up with a pair of SUPER comfy shoes. for everyday wear and whatnot. so excited to wear them out tomorrow! should be a good buy considering i live in london.

thoughts? they’re waterproofed leather as well!

leaving in an hour. taking the train and going with Simon to his for the weekend so i wont be updating most likely. everyones pretty much going home before or on saturday morning and i didn’t feel like sitting around all weekend alone so now i’ve got something to do! i get back to london on sunday around 11 and then i leave on monday afternoon for dallas!! i am beyond excited. im gunna make my mom take me straight from the airport to get queso and warm torillas. aint nothing better than that!! i swear i will live off of mexican and texmex my whole visit

one year and a half on december 28th. no more of the horrible days and nights. no more putting my family through hell everyday. no more bulimia. depression. substance abuse. gone.

wish i could be with my family and friends today. eat tons of good food. watch football, and be lazy. one of the best weekends in the year and here i am missing it. oh well. the price you gotta pay to be in london no?

very chilled out weekend. friday night went to the movies. yesterday i went to brixton with simon to watch his club play field hockey. actually got really into the games. watched the girls play while the boys warmed up. one of the girls, poor thing, got his smack dead on the head. bled and everything, i bet she has a banging headache today.. eeeks! anyways the boys won. tom scored and joe wasn’t playing bad even though he was dead hungover when we met up with him, haha. price you have to pay i suppose? anyways afterwards the victoria line was fucking up as always so me and simon went to camden for dinner and some hookah. love camden. very much like söder in stockholm in some ways. ate a lovely indian daal in the rain haha. then went home and watched some tv and went to bed. haven’t done much today. was supposed to go to the gym but the weather isn’t optimal to walk 20 minutes in. so tomorrow! if its not pouring rain and windy as hell. oh well, we’ll see! how was your weekend?

made a cake yesterday for daddy. and not to be conceited or anything but it’s by far the best one i’ve made yet. absolutely delicious and perfect love it! of course we had it with some ice cream and whatnot while watching the cowboys game last night, although they lost.

mad at myself. for being an idiot. like i always am. lost my oyster card and dont want to buy a new one. thats like another 20 pound out of my pocket that i dont want to spend. i only have 80 pound a week to live off of until january which i can do easily its just small unnecessary purchases like that make me mad! why do i ALWAYS loose things? i swear to god it fell out of my wallet when i was getting cash out of the machine. that too! i hate cash. cause my bank charges me to withdraw money every time! it didn’t do it in texas so why here?? ugh. wanna find a job just so i can have some extra spending money for texas. dont feel like burning up all my savings just yet. only have about 550 pounds left of my savings.. :/ looks like i wont be standing in line for jimmy choo at h&m next month.

why am i? seriously ive eaten so much and im still starving. i guess i should be happy? i dont know, ive definatly gained weight in these last weeks though! that could be the alcohol though, haha. oh well, ive started to get better now that schools picking up. cant really handle all the angest that comes with missing lectures because your tired or a hangover, so not worth it! im gunna get something to eat…

me so and papi are going downtown to eat dinner. maybe some sushi? aah we’ll see i guess! anyways im starving, flat pictures coming up later tonight if they don’t take forever to load!