god went to the doctors… WASTE OF MY TIME. i don’t know why i even bothered to register, such a f***ing piss-take! so no help there, still ill and still not feeling good. when to law class, yet another wasted 3 hours of my life. horrible teacher doesn’t know how to teach or how to control his students. angry and irritated to say the least.

literally sat here in tears because of my frustration. with myself. with public transport. with old as hell gas meters. and with this cold and damp country.

i want to go to sleep and wake up in dallas. i don’t want to do this anymore.

went to winchester, lovely, but maybe not worth it for such a short period of time. went to the train station, got on the train, stood there for an hour. LOVELY! got on the tube, severe delays and signal failures and whatnot… even more LOVELY. get home, no heat or water.. LOVELY! go top up my gas card with 100 pounds, only to find out it already had money on it, LOVELY. get home freezing from my very expensive excursion, water and heat works. FANFUCKINGTASTIC.

why is it whenever i work hard to save money it always goes to the boring shit like bills, food, travel. why can’t i spend it on me?

wow. what a waste of my time. went to class today and i actually started feeling sorry for the lecturer. the amount of IDIOTS who think that just because daddy paid tuition they can do whatever they want at regent’s college is disgraceful. disrespectful idiots.

so sick of pretentious twats here and there, why can’t anybody be normal and still be a millionaire?

what makes your family’s success yours?

some of these kids would be better off if they had never seen a dime in their life. think they can just do whatever they want.

ridiculously frustrating when you’re trying to learn but you keep being interrupted because people chose to not listen or pay attention. go home.

breakfast this morning wasn’t good. i had to force myself to eat a slice of bread and some yogurt while cleaning my room. then when me and Simon finally got off our asses to go to the gym i was hungry again.. there wasn’t any lunch at home so i decided to get something at tesco’s on the way. mistake. nothing looked appealing. i found a salad i liked, but of course there wasn’t any plastic forks so how was i supposed to eat it, with my hands? so i put that back. didn’t want another one of their nasty sandwiches.. so i opted for a chicken pasta thing. got a bottle of water and thought i was set! i was already frustrated cause i didn’t get any food that i actually felt like eating, and i hate spending money on food. i think it’s a waste. the less i buy the less i eat.. makes sense no? but it’s not good for me i know. either way we started walking towards the gym while i was eating, and well after two bites i wanted to be sick. the pasta made my mouth taste like poison and the chicken just made my stomach churn, not cause it tasted bad but because i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want it. i didn’t want to add more to my stomach. it felt stupid eating before a work out. what’s the point? but you can’t work out on an empty stomach, it’s not smart. i broke down and started crying, and poor simon was so confused. it’s hard when i can’t explain what’s going on, half the time i don’t even know! i was just so frustrated that my ed thoughts are coming back. i was mad at myself, the eating disorder, everything. i was upset, and frustrated. but we kept walking, i ended up throwing away the pasta cause i couldn’t bare to look at it. i didn’t want it. simon said he wouldn’t let me work out on an empty stomach so we went into somerfields and i bought a banana and a smoothie. it filled me up and it wasn’t as difficult to eat. i don’t know why the pasta was so hard but it was. it was like Ed was set on me not eating it, i wasn’t allowed and i listened. next time i’ll make the choices, i’ll pick something i will eat. i will eat it. i’m sick of ed bossing me around. i want to eat without any worries, i want to just eat. just be.

woke up feeling tired tired tired. but i dragged myself out of bed, and then went to get breakfast. boy’s flat door was locked. so i had to wait till one of them got back from their exam for some food. not having food always makes me grumpy. ate breakfast. and now i’m just sat here feeling really angry for some reason. maybe it was because i started looking at flats and realized i have no money, and will not be able to afford anything. debbie downer i know, but whatever. pissed off, going to do some bullshit work for uni and whatever. maybe take a walk just because it’s so nice outside, and that will have to cheer me up.

losing it all. i feel like i’ve worked so hard. so ridiculously hard to get my life back on track. i’ve done everything in my power to find happiness. to be content. to stop leaning on bulimia and drugs to fulfill my days. and i’ve done all of this just for my life to fall back apart. i feel like i’ve made some of the worst mistakes in my life this past year. i’ve been so happy, at a shit university, in a ghetto neighborhood. i’ve been happy. i’ve been happy without the material things. i’ve just been me, and happy. i’m afraid for it all to go away. what happens if i don’t pass? what am i gunna do next year? i don’t want to go to school in sweden, and im pretty sure i can’t get in anyways. i don’t wanna live in dallas, cause i have a strong feeling i’ll fall back into old patterns. it’s too easy to get sucked into that world. yet it’s the only place i think i can go to school. i don’t want it. i don’t want to live there. i don’t want to live in sweden. i don’t want to be unhappy. i don’t want to fail. i always don’t want to waste another year of my life doing nothing. i want a degree. i want a real job. i want my own home. i want my own life. i don’t want to depend on others. i don’t want to be in this situation. i’m scared. i’m more scared than i’ve ever been in my life. i don’t know if i can do this. and i don’t know what will happen after.. but hey.. guess it’s my own fault for being such an idiot. shouldn’t have ever even thought of architecture. shouldn’t have gone to london metropolitan university. shouldn’t have waited a year to start university either. i shouldn’t have started using drugs. i shouldn’t have had bulimia. shouldn’t have been me. maybe everything would’ve sorted itself out then.

so yesterday i was a bit frustrated to me and pappa went out and bought ice cream i decided since we were staying in the neighborhood id chill out with the clothes. 

reppin them d stars even though they were horrific this season

gotta love them ugglies.

but i feel so much better. so me and dad went to the gym and i fought off my anger. all my thoughts i put aside, i put everything into that damn elliptical machine. so now im in a good place. my happy place. i remember they told us when i was in treatment to pick a happy place and always go there when we were feeling urges. my happy place was with my sister. i dont know where exactly we were then, but it just ended up being anywhere. today is one month until one year that ive been drug free and in recovery from bulimia. so yeah that post earlier can suck it. im not in a bad place, everyones allowed to feel down about things. the difference now though is that im not going to sit there and let the sadness take over me. i did something about it. so yeah tomorrow im going on a job hunt! get ready dublin, here i come