all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ‘support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.

going to the gym now. long run and then some stuff. need to get everything out of my system. frustration and anger. the negativity i want it gone. so afterwards im ready to buckle down and do more uni work. what a weekend this will be..

[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkp0TeR7hYk[/youtube]

i don’t know what it is about this song. whatever it is it makes me feel right. if im mad, it lets me let go of my frustration. if im upset, it makes me feel better. if im happy, it makes me even happier.

letting go of frustrations and building up more endorphins! its back to the gym for me, doing some cardio and then arms today. ugh i hate arms. im so weak and i dont really care for arm muscles..oh well better stop whining and play that ipod.

as my sister, Emmelie, mentioned ive been bad at updating lately. normally this would mean im out and about and too busy. well thats not really the case right now. im in a bit of a bad place i guess. i keep doubting myself and i just dont feel like doing anything. dads pressuring me to go look for jobs and i dont want to. i think its embarrassing and seriously by the time i started working id have maybe a month to work before i leave again. just feels like such a waste when someone else who NEEDs a job could have that position. i dont know. maybe its cause i left everyone behind in sweden that im feeling this way. maybe its because for two weeks straight i had something to do nonstop and now.. theres nothing. things for this summer are starting to fall in to place. thanks to jonas’ lovely mom me and ito have a place to stay, its just that theres so much planning involved. everyone wants different things. once again i dont wanna be a grown up. i just wanna go with the wind and let my parents take care of me. nevertheless london met hasnt replied to my email regarding tuition and stuff, so i feel like i might not even have a place to study when the fall comes. also living in london wasnt cheap. i thought there would be dorms but no.. your kind of on your own. i just feel like i need some time to relax. get my head on straight. before the shit hits the fan again. time to work out and get out my frustrations. ill update when im in the mood for it :/ sorry guys.