Before the pilates class, I walked on the treadmill on an incline for an hour watching bones I can’t say that I’m hooked on pilates.. No sweat, no.. Nothing? I don’t know how to explain it, but it just felt very mild!

After I did some weights and then went in the tanning bed for 8 minutes. Feeling a bit pasty since there wasn’t a trip to Mexico this past Christmas hehe

off to the gym i go. i have no lectures today (thaaaaank god). i’m going to try to squeeze my way into a pilates class, if not then just do a normal work out! i’m bringing stuff to shower there as well so i think i’m going to try out the sauna and maybe tan a little as well. love having healthy me days!

So angry at myself, i had a lecture at 9 am this morning and of course in my sleepy state i turned off the alarm instead of hitting the snooze button. Not exactly the way i had intended on ending my first week, but there’s nothing i can do about it now i suppose. Have two more lectures this afternoon, philosophy and perspectives… like honestly? don’t even get me started today.

wearing my new top from a boutique up in SLC, jeans, and a pair of boots. going over to simon’s tonight, and then spending the day in the gym tomorrow! looking forward to a good work out, i feel like three times a week is barely anything..?

Joined a new gym today, it’s barely a ten minute walk up the street from my flat and i’m really happy with it. Had a good work out today, and hope to go at least three times a week from now on. With the price i’m paying i better stick to this!

Nothing like a bit of shopping to give you motivation. I went to GAP and bought two new shirts, a pair of shorts, and some pants to go to the gym in! Not sure which one i’m joining when i get back to london, but i know i need to do it asap.

why do we do the things we do? i never wanted to care this much. i never wanted to hurt anyone. i never wanted to be hurt in return. i never wanted to be here. im sick of feeling inadequate. feeling like i’ll never be the one. i’ll never be good enough. i’ll never be pretty enough. i wont be skinny enough. i wont be who you want me to be.

i try. i try ever damn day. nobody knows how much it hurts me to pretend like it’s okay. like im okay. like im happy. like it’ll all work out okay in the end. it’s never going to be okay. i can’t change anything. i can’t fix what’s already broken. i can’t fix myself for christs sake. i can’t do anything right.

every time things start to look up for me, i do something stupid or something comes in the way and it’s ruined again. i keep falling, and i keep getting back up, but im so tired of falling. i don’t want to trip over my own feet every damn day. i want a life i can be proud of. i want friends who don’t suddenly turn their backs on me over a summer. i want family close to me. i want to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed.

i just want things to be so different.

but i’m me, and i’ll never be that person. i’ll struggle every damn day.

and it doesn’t help that you put me down all the time. you think you’re such a bigger person but you forget that we all make mistakes. i’m not the first person to mess up, and i wont be the last. hopefully someday you’ll realise that your words hurt as well. you’ll realise that the more you make me work, the less i’ll want to. you can’t make someone want something. the more you push, the more i push away. one day i’ll walk away. because we can’t keep this up. and if it means that i’ll have to be the stronger person and walk away from an unhealthy situation, maybe one day you’ll thank me instead of punishing me for wanting to be happy.

ive been meaning to work out for ages now, but the motivation simply just ISNT there. im gonna hang around for a bit and have breakfast.. even though its lunchtime, then maybe ill find some motivation after.. or not. god why can’t i be a running junkie!

slept like a baby! didn’t wake up once all night for the first time in like months. felt so weird waking up by my alarm and actually getting up and not feeling dead tired. hope this continues..

one lecture this morning, then i’m going to the gym for a work out need to get rid of some stress.

gonna finish my presentation for human resource management when i get home and then im FREE for the weekend to do whatever i please. heeeeeeeck yes.

frustrated. going to the gym to work out and then i’m going to the library at uni to print some things off as i have an exam on monday (?!?!?)

i’m so not ready and i feel a big fat F coming on. oh well, one step at a time. print. study. study. relax. study. study. and then fail.

we’ll see how it goes on monday, but for now i need to stop stressing myself out!

lecture. gym. lunch. coursework. lecture. sleep. repeat.