i don’t think i’ve ever been so scared in my life, but i know that this too i will conquer. i have made it through more turmoil in the last five years than some people do in a lifetime, and if someone wants to take praise for why i’m still standing, then go ahead. go ahead. lie to yourself, because believe me, you are not the reason i am who i am. yes, for the last two years i spent a lot of time with a boy, a boy who meant so much to me. someone i truly gave my all, i was ready to do anything for him. i gave up friendships, i spent more time with him than i should’ve. i didn’t waste my first years of living alone or being at university, but i didn’t live it to the fullest either. i don’t regret anything, because he’s taught me so much. he helped me through some of the toughest battles, but without him i’d still be strong, and i will be strong without him. i’ve got amazing family and friends and even if i’ll be alone at first, i will find my way. i always do. plus being just me for a while is probably the healthiest thing for me right now. never mind my grades are skyrocketing

i made some mistakes, and that’s on me. i don’t neglect the fact that i hurt him too, and in no way am i trying to say that what i did was acceptable because of how he made me feel. i’m mature enough to know that what i did was wrong, and i am strong enough to say sorry and admit my faults.

the thing is i can’t keep lying to myself. there was a reason behind my actions, i didn’t just wake up one day and decide to ruin one of the greatest things i’ve ever had. but what i’ve come to see is that i didn’t ruin it alone, we did. after constantly being put down, constantly being neglected, knowing that i was holding somebody back, that this somebody who i would trade the world for didn’t even think i was worth deleting a simple nobody off of facebook for… how was i supposed to continue? how was i supposed to ignore the messages, the words written, the verbal abuse, how was i supposed to say it was okay and fake a smile? how do you love somebody who says so much, yet does so little to prove it? 

things could’ve been so different today. things would’ve been on track and i would be sitting here writing about how damn happy this boy makes me. the truth is, he hasn’t made me happy for a while now. the amount of phone calls to my sister, the tears, the hurt and emptiness inside me.. that’s not what a relationship is.

i’ve been pushed around for far too long. if he can’t realise that what he did hurt me, and that it was a factor in this equation, then fixing our relationship is not worth my time. it hurts more than i ever thought something like this would. i feel destroyed and i don’t know how to live without him, but this is not healthy. i am not healthy right now. i’m in a hole that we’re both digging deeper and deeper. we’ve both got our walls up, and neither of us is letting the other one past, and that is not a relationship. a relationship is based on a friendship with someone who is special to you and right now we are not friends, there is no trust, there is no love. there is no love. that to me is shameful. the fact that we both neglected each other’s feelings to a point that we’ve ruined what we had in the first place. it takes two people in a relationship, not one. i can’t fight our battles alone. i can’t make him love me, i can’t make these problems go away.

if he’s not willing to prove to me that i’m worth it, then why on earth would i get down on my knees and beg for him to stay with me? it doesn’t make sense in my mind. i love him, i truly do, and this is the most open i’ve been about it since it all fell apart, but i can’t stay with him if he doesn’t make the commitment to change as well. the longer we keep lying to ourselves, the more pain we’ll cause ourselves in the long run, and when.. when do we decide enough fighting is enough? when do i stop crying myself to sleep at night? when do i decide i want to live again and not just be?

i want nothing more than for us to work it out. nothing. i want us to be us again. i want it so bad it hurts just thinking about it. there’s an emptiness inside me that only he can fill, and if he’s not willing to then i need to find my own way to fill it. i need to stand up for myself, i need to get through this as well. i know i will, but i know it’s going to be a long journey.

this isn’t us, and it’s up to him to either change it or end it for good.

so i made it through the first round of interviews with apple. i’m reckoning that in itself is kind of impressive as in the usa its harder to get a job at apple than it is to get into stanford university!

no details yet, but i’m thinking i’ll find out more within the next two weeks. honestly didn’t think i’d get a ‘call back’ as the end of the last interview thing didn’t go too well.. hehe.

it wasn’t the distance this time that was hard, just the fact that i was leaving. normally the one that stays behind has a harder time saying goodbye, but i really struggled yesterday.

got to the airport, got some tax free goods. just a mascara and a new perfume. necessities really then as soon as i got on the plane the captain said we’d have to wait an hour and a half! in the freaking heat. noooo thank you. luckily enough they got it down to 20 minutes.

an hour into the flight i’d finished my book and was quite restless. ended up watching ‘i love you, philip morris’ terrible movie.

landed. went through the usual. passport control. baggage claim. top up oyster card. sit on tube for an hour and a half..

felt so alone. but then i got in and realized that mostly everyone’s back. so i chilled with alex and irish for a bit

breakfast this morning wasn’t good. i had to force myself to eat a slice of bread and some yogurt while cleaning my room. then when me and Simon finally got off our asses to go to the gym i was hungry again.. there wasn’t any lunch at home so i decided to get something at tesco’s on the way. mistake. nothing looked appealing. i found a salad i liked, but of course there wasn’t any plastic forks so how was i supposed to eat it, with my hands? so i put that back. didn’t want another one of their nasty sandwiches.. so i opted for a chicken pasta thing. got a bottle of water and thought i was set! i was already frustrated cause i didn’t get any food that i actually felt like eating, and i hate spending money on food. i think it’s a waste. the less i buy the less i eat.. makes sense no? but it’s not good for me i know. either way we started walking towards the gym while i was eating, and well after two bites i wanted to be sick. the pasta made my mouth taste like poison and the chicken just made my stomach churn, not cause it tasted bad but because i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want it. i didn’t want to add more to my stomach. it felt stupid eating before a work out. what’s the point? but you can’t work out on an empty stomach, it’s not smart. i broke down and started crying, and poor simon was so confused. it’s hard when i can’t explain what’s going on, half the time i don’t even know! i was just so frustrated that my ed thoughts are coming back. i was mad at myself, the eating disorder, everything. i was upset, and frustrated. but we kept walking, i ended up throwing away the pasta cause i couldn’t bare to look at it. i didn’t want it. simon said he wouldn’t let me work out on an empty stomach so we went into somerfields and i bought a banana and a smoothie. it filled me up and it wasn’t as difficult to eat. i don’t know why the pasta was so hard but it was. it was like Ed was set on me not eating it, i wasn’t allowed and i listened. next time i’ll make the choices, i’ll pick something i will eat. i will eat it. i’m sick of ed bossing me around. i want to eat without any worries, i want to just eat. just be.

going into the city today to buy some meds, lip balm, top up my phone, and get groceries. yippie. i think dad needs to get out of the apartment besides just going to the gym. speaking of,  wow today was hard. im going to bed dead tonight!