a picture of something you hate

i need to vent a bit, and there’s nobody who will understand so dearest blog readers, don’t get too confused.

i don’t understand how you can be so damn naive. don’t you realize that it’s not a dance on flowers? it’s not all its cracked up to be. i thought you listened when i told you, but apparently not. you’re making a massive mistake, but it’s not my place to step in. i want you to know that you will never be anything unless you grow up. make something of yourself. you can’t rely on others to support you always. i thought i could, but then i realized i didn’t even want to anymore. it’s so much better being independent. i just want you to understand, but you don’t. i don’t know if you ever will. i’m willing to be there for you the day that you do though, for now.. not so interested.

you’ve hurt me so much that instead of being upset, im angry. i don’t care for you anymore. the little respect i used to have for you is gone. i don’t want to be around you, i don’t want to hear about you, i just would rather you not be involved in my life. unfortunately that’s not really possible. so this time, i’ll be the mature one. i’ll forget what you’ve said. i’ll forget how much i hate you. how a woman like you can tear down a girl like me is unfathomable, but congrats you’ve done it. maybe now you’ll understand that you didn’t do those things for me, you did them because you felt inadequate.

i tried. i’ve tried. i’m still trying. but you know what? i finally give up. i tried so hard to like you. i tried to be friendly, nice, and courteous. but today i realized i’ve tired of trying. i’m done. so here’s my middle finger and a massive fuck you. i didn’t believe it was possible to hate someone but i fucking despise you. and the fact that you don’t have the guts to try when i’m around, but when i’m not there it suits you. so the next time my name slips off your tongue dear, i hope you choke on it.

so tomorrow don’t expect an update until afternoon/night. i’ve managed to waste a whole day today. i went to find paper, yet again. this fucking paper is ruining everything. anyways, enough anger for today. it’s a bank holiday, for god knows what reason. so no, the shops weren’t open. so tomorrow morning i’m going to buy that god damned paper. mount spray. mount my drawings. and then throw my portfolio in my course leader’s fucking face (not literally). i just wanna be finished. i wanna turn it in and never have to think about it again. i will fail, i’m setting myself up for failure. and you know what? you learn from your mistakes. yes this year was a mistake and i’ve learned that london metropolitan university is shit, and architecture is not for me. done. after i realized the shops were closed Simon who came along to help left me to go to a friends birthday, and as soon as i switched tubes i realized that my key was locked in his room and his room was locked. so yep. no gym. no clothes. no work. no computer. no nothing. thankfully jaz was around and he let me in the gates, and then i’ve been sat in irish’s flat watching tv until now. so tomorrow starts a very busy and stressful day. early start to get my portfolio together. so ready to put my hands up and walk away, but it’s one more day and honestly it’ll be shit but handing work in is better than handing no work in.

it’s funny how somethings never change. the feelings that wont ever go away. the resentment and hatred you can have for someone, and never let it go. the thought of a person can make your blood boil. and being around them just all around annoys you. some people aren’t meant to get along though. some of us just can’t be friends. and sometimes its sad but when i think about it, do i need this person in my life? will they actually change anything? and at the end of the day the answer will always be no. i do not need that bullshit in my life. no i will never like you, and no we will never be friends.

is anyone else as bothered by this hideous painting behind me in my pictures? the one thats hanging right above my bed? maybe its a sign. it reminds me of when i had to draw how i saw myself on a piece of paper, and it turned out to be way way way disoriented. maybe thats why i hate it so much. i just think its in-proportioned. maybe its nothing. thoughts?