So the other day i went all out on grocery shopping, bought loads of healthy food cause i felt like it was time for me to get back into the routine of things. If i do say so myself i make quite nice vegetarian fajitas! can’t be too unhealthy apart from the bread and salsa?

Before the pilates class, I walked on the treadmill on an incline for an hour watching bones I can’t say that I’m hooked on pilates.. No sweat, no.. Nothing? I don’t know how to explain it, but it just felt very mild!

After I did some weights and then went in the tanning bed for 8 minutes. Feeling a bit pasty since there wasn’t a trip to Mexico this past Christmas hehe

off to the gym i go. i have no lectures today (thaaaaank god). i’m going to try to squeeze my way into a pilates class, if not then just do a normal work out! i’m bringing stuff to shower there as well so i think i’m going to try out the sauna and maybe tan a little as well. love having healthy me days!

So angry at myself, i had a lecture at 9 am this morning and of course in my sleepy state i turned off the alarm instead of hitting the snooze button. Not exactly the way i had intended on ending my first week, but there’s nothing i can do about it now i suppose. Have two more lectures this afternoon, philosophy and perspectives… like honestly? don’t even get me started today.

wearing my new top from a boutique up in SLC, jeans, and a pair of boots. going over to simon’s tonight, and then spending the day in the gym tomorrow! looking forward to a good work out, i feel like three times a week is barely anything..?

Joined a new gym today, it’s barely a ten minute walk up the street from my flat and i’m really happy with it. Had a good work out today, and hope to go at least three times a week from now on. With the price i’m paying i better stick to this!

Nothing like a bit of shopping to give you motivation. I went to GAP and bought two new shirts, a pair of shorts, and some pants to go to the gym in! Not sure which one i’m joining when i get back to london, but i know i need to do it asap.

After four days of a lot of wine, some vodka, and champagne i think i need a few days on the wagon and a couple of sessions at the gym! Feel like all the good i did on the slopes was overtaken by the drinking.. so back into work out mode i go.

nothing like starting the day with some orange juice, eggs, and an episode of american dad. feels amazing to be able to sleep in (even if i got up at 9), i woke up in the middle of the night in a panic because i hadn’t set my alarm to get up in the morning.. needless to say i forgot i was on holiday. it’s going to take me some time to fully relax, but i need this right now, my emotions are still on the fritz.

im struggling to keep sane. i dont know if it is because im stressed. i dont know if its because of uni or if its because of my body. but either way i hate mirrors. i hate my body. i hate the way i look. i hate the way my stomach creates a roll that sits on top of my pants when i sit down. i hate the way my boobs look in every single last bra i own. i hate the way my armpits fold. i hate how big my thighs have become. i hate how my legs and tummy jiggle when i walk.

i hate the way i feel about myself.

i want to wake up in the morning and not have my first thought be able how much weight ive gained in the last couple of months.

i want to get ready for my lectures and be happy with how i look. i want to be happy.

i hate having this cloud following me around, because i can’t get rid of it. i may not show it, but every minute of the day i think about food, and what it will do to my body. i dont want to be back in this place. it makes me unhappy and confused. why am i here?

so over christmas i’m going to work out. im going to get fit again, i want to walk up a flight of stairs and not feel out of breath. i want to look in the mirror and see toned muscles. i just want to be able to tolerate my body again. i want to eat healthy, and i want to be able to eat without hating myself every bite of the way.

i just want to be okay with what i look like.

yesterday i went to Selfridges to try Pinkberry for the very first time. i had a small original frozen yogurt with fresh fruit. can’t say that the mango and the chocolate was a bad choice though..