[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThVjiEuDaUs[/youtube]

i see this picture and i hurt. i hurt all over. inside and outside. the tears run and i remember the pain. the panic. the hurtful things i’ve done to myself and others. it makes me sick, but the worst thing is that i was sick. i’m not sick anymore, so why should i feel this way? why do i put myself down like this? why can’t i stay happy.

sitting here watching a tv show called “superskinny vs. supersized” and i’m disgusted by the fat people and jealous of the skinny ones. im scared to go back to what i was. i never had problems with my face before but now i look at pictures and say i’ve got a chubby face. i look at pictures from a while ago and think i was pretty. now im not. when i think about it the ‘pretty’ pictures are always from when i was sick. from when i was stuffing myself full until bursting point and hurling myself into the bathroom. just today i was looking up diet pills on the internet and then asked myself what the hell is going on? why am i doing this? is ed back? is my bulimia trying to push me over the edge again? because i wont do it. i know ill never be happy with my body or who i am, but i can exercise. i can workout, and i can eat healthy. i can live my life without drugs, pills, and sickness. i can live a good life. i dont need an illness to make me feel good enough.

Alicia Keys has a new album out. i want i want i want! her last album meant so much to me. got me through all those hard weekends sitting in the hospital. in between therapy and meals that’s all i had. listened to it every morning as well when my dad or mom drove me to the hospital when i was an outpatient. so happy im not in the same place anymore. a year and a half soon!

i love mine. i absolutely adore my parents and my sister. always there without a doubt when i need them. they were there when i fucked up over and over again. they sat there and let me cry on their shoulders after i had disappointed them, after i had disrespected them. they were there through all of it. came to visit me everyday in the hospital. put up with me through the recovery process. my sister emailed my mom every day, and my mom printed them off for me to read. i have no idea if i would’ve been able to make it without them. through all the bullshit i put them through they’re still there. they always will be and i couldn’t be happier. i know they will be there in the future as well. even if i do things they may not like they will still be there for me. they will support me no matter what. im blessed to have such beautiful people in my life. i want you to know how much i appreciate you guys. how much you mean to me. love you.

watched an episode of house yesterday and well it totally took me back. he’s in the hospital in the psych ward, in group therapy and individual therapy. the point systems. the ‘quiet room’. ugh everything.. hmm sounds familiar! gave me a bit of a shock actually. i haven’t thought about being in the hospital for a while now. at least not that in detail. i remember all the group sessions. laying around on the couches, in my sweats, ugg slippers, no makeup.. mm then going to ‘school’ for two hours a day. i swear i got more done in there than i have anywhere else in my life! i actually enjoyed studying then because it gave me an out. didn’t have to think about improving myself or my feelings. ugh. all those after eating charts i had to fill out. what i’d eaten, how it made me feel, what i was thinking while eating and after. the games we had to play while eating to keep our minds busy. my super uncomfortable bed. the first night was by far the worst. weening off of the adderall, freezing and sweating all at the same time. couldn’t sleep and had no choice if i wanted to get up in the morning. i don’t actually remember much from the first couple of days. just a lot of crying, seeing my parents, and more crying. im thankful for my time there, it gave me a rude awakening. i needed to fix myself. i messed up with the drugs again after that, but i never relapsed with bulimia. coming up on two years free from the hospital now in december.. who’s gunna celebrate with me?  ;)

so i thought i’d do a little recap of my summer. i know ive been kind of lousy at updating but ive been busy! so heres a little reminder of how amazing my summer of 2009 was

it started with Jonas & Rebecca coming to Dublin. It was one of the best weeks of my life! even if i was a bit  of an emotional disaster (i stopped taking my prozac for a while).

the week after was one of the most challenging weeks, when my dad entered the hospital for open heart surgery

then i travelled to Sweden for about a month. first stop? Skåne with Jonas and his family

then back to Stockholm to welcome my panda bear Ito to Sweden

I turned 18, finally legal! had a big birthday party at jonas’ house, and went out with my sister!

took a week in Mallorca, Spain with my boys. the beach and the bar sums it up!

then i went to texas for two weeks. with my sister, jonas, and mom! met old friends, and did some major shopping!

and thats not all! my summers not over yet hanna’s coming on thursday night!

so i just finished this book that my mom gave me.. okay thats a lie i finished it a couple of days ago but still. i forgot to tell you guys alright? well either way the book was actually pretty good. i didnt think the shopaholic books so i figured i wouldnt like this one either but its really intriguing and you cant stop reading it. i totally recommend it!

so tonight was interesting. there was quite a hefty storm that blew by and i apparently didnt close the window all the way so i had water in my room, then after closing it, it continued to rain in? so i had to go get a bowl and towel and put it on the floor. normally i sleep through storms like no other, i dont know what it is about them but i find the rain soothing. not closing the window fully..way to interrupt a good nights sleep! then this morning i was so excited by the thought of dad coming home that i couldnt sleep. i guess ill have to take a nap later. so yeah im going to leave in about 20 minutes to go get dad. hes coming home today !!

today im wearing my frankie b jeans, with a shirt from forever 21.

still irritated cause my stupid effing phone wont work. ugh!!! i also have to do an intense vacuuming session here in the apartment tonight cause dad might be coming home tomorrow. im just stressing and i dont want to deal with this stupid phone anymore. im about to throw it off the balcony. yuck.

so im at the hospital yet again. the doctors are talking about letting dad go home tomorrow! yep, so well see how that pans out. my stupid iphone stopped working yesterday for no reason what so ever. so now ive downloaded the newest version and tried everything, yet nothing works. so im a bit irritated. im thinking about going to o2 and just getting a new phone number. im sick of dealing with all this jailbreaking and unlocking business. anyways im wearing my american apparel bronze tulip skirt with a unisex long sleeved shirt from them too. still no word from them.. not surprising i guess?