ever since Emmelie came and visited me i have developed an obsession for pret-a-manger… not good, and i blame you emps! ah, could be worse.. could be mcdonalds! had an avocado wrap with pine nuts for lunch, was good. i’m hungry again though. always always food on my mind, not good.

Ed’s back and i’m trying so hard to push him out of my life. i’m trying to avoid his advice, i’m trying to drown out his words with loud music. i’m trying to be good. i’m trying not to fall back into his trap.

sat here with an empty stomach, head aching with thoughts stress and emotions, and tears falling down my face. i feel comfortable, it’s like i’m back in his arms. it’s like he’s come back to protect me when i’ve fallen down. he’s back to pick me up again and tell me it’s going to be okay. all i have to do is stop eating and he’s happy. he’s so easy to please. he’s going to be with me no matter what i do. no matter how many mistakes i make, as long as i keep my end of the bargain he’ll be here holding my hand.

he’ll even hold my hair back if i need him when im sick. he’s so loving and caring. he keeps telling me about how good im being, how it’s okay to not eat dinner. how tomorrow i should skip breakfast before class, i’ll look good with a flat stomach. after all who needs food in the morning? it’s pointless isn’t it. he wants me to stay with him, he says he still loves me even though i left him for a while. he says he’ll always take me back. he says he forgives me for rejecting him so many times. and i know deep in my heart he’ll never leave me. after all he’s been with me all along, i’ve just chosen to ignore him.

but then reality hits me. no, i have no appetite or want to eat, but i have to. no matter how hard it’s been the last couple of weeks, and no matter how hard it is tonight i have to get that food in me somehow. i have to eat to survive, i have to live. a life with Ed, is no life at all. it’s torture and hell, and i know no matter how bad i feel now, i will feel worse if i let him back into my life. i have to pick myself up, i have to believe that i can make things better. i have to believe that i’ll be happy again. i have to believe that i’ll be okay. because at the end of the day i have so many things to be grateful for, and going back to Ed means just throwing them away. i’m not hurting my body anymore, and i’m certaintly not hurting myself anymore. i’m past that, and yes i’ll look back on the past.. but i will never feel good about it, i’ll look back and remember how much i was hurting, and i’ll remember why i left him in the first place.

“No I can’t take one more step towards you, cause all that’s waiting is regret. I learned to live, half-alive.. and now you want me one more time? Don’t come back for me. I hear you’re asking all around, if I am anywhere to be found, but I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms. It took so long just to feel alright. Remember how to put back the light in my eyes… I wish I had missed the first time that we met, cause you broke all your promises. And now you’re back …you don’t get to get me back.”

try again and again and finally again.

trying to unlock my iphone whilst waiting for the curry to finish in the oven. yummy in my tummy!

made so much food. i’m stuffed now, but it was well worth it. as my parents said, they haven’t made a breakfast like this after i moved out, so twoish years later we’re full as anything, hehe.

look at how good the rolls turned out.. yummy yummy!

after laying in my parents bed until about one o’clock, i decided i was hungry. what else would be on my mind but chipotle? i finally got my beloved burrito bowl. i’m not hungry anymore

eating a lovely little salad with falafel and hummus for lunch. mmmm, yummy.

jalapeno red pepper is my favourite hummus at the moment!

all this thinking and emotional writing has made me tired. going to watch some desperate housewives in bed and then sleep

by the way, how bad is it to eat cheese and bread before going to sleep? im hungry!

just at simon’s. he’s sat playing COD and i’ve managed to stuff my face full of a whole bag of chips and dill dip with julmust! aah heavenly..

until your stomach starts to hurt and you feel ill. not so heavenly anymore..

just got home from tesco’s and made dinner.

leftover chicken bits from sunday with pesto pasta, cherry tomatoes and pine nuts. super easy and super yummy.

sure to keep me going tonight whilst i keep working..