i came across this girl, Alena Shishkova, on tumblr, and she’s most definitely different. i think she’s gorgeous, i don’t think i’ve ever seen someone whose looks i’ve found so intriguing before.

sometimes i wish i would’ve done everything different. when i say sometimes, i mean every damn day of my life. i wish i could go back in time and change everything. but it wasn’t up to me, it wasn’t just me who created the situation, and that’s the most important thing to remember as a ‘user’. no matter what kind of addiction you have.

it’s never your fault.. entirely. yea i fucked up for myself a lot, and i continued to do it, but it wasn’t just me. i wasn’t the only reason everything went to shit.

i wish i could change things, i honestly do. maybe then i’d be happy today, maybe i’d be content with my life. maybe i wouldn’t wake up every morning worrying if i had enough money to buy lunch. maybe i wouldn’t have wasted a year at a shit university. maybe i wouldn’t be paying so much money for an education. maybe i’d love myself. maybe i’d forgive the people in my life. maybe i’d forive myself. maybe i’d be normal.

but i’m not.

and that’s what i have to live with. i have to live with the fact that i fucked up the best years of my life. i ruined them, and now im wasting ‘the second best years of my life’ on shit. i sat here acting normal because i have no other choice.

i hate it all sometimes. i hate being me 75% of the time but i hide it so well.

just like i hid my eating disorder, i hide my unsatisfaction. i wondering if i’ll ever be truly honest with myself.

but i know i never will be, it’ll stick with me for the rest of my life. i’ll never be HAPPY, i might be satisfied at the most.

i hate it. i hate my life now. i wish i wouldn’t have met the amazing people that i’ve met in london, i wish i wouldn’t have had the amazing experiences i’ve had in london, because it’d be easier to leave.

i could leave without having any feelings or emotions left behind. i love this place, i love my university, and i love where i live.

but.. my life revolves around money. i wake up every morning wondering if i’ve got enough in my wallet to live. enough to buy a decent meal. enough to spurge on a bottle of wine for five pounds. and i hate it. i hate living on 70 pounds a week, when everyone around me lives on 150+. im jealous, im jealous all the way through. i just wish i had the carefree life i took advantage of when i was younger.

i wish i could go back in time and change EVERYTHING. believe me i would..

i’ve been playing around with my sister’s new camera and i love it. i love it . i love it. i love it! so jealous.

i’ll openly admit it. i’m jealous. all of my friends in sweden are graduating right now and i feel like i never got to participate in a real graduation. i didn’t walk the stage in the states with all my friends cause i graduated in the summer a year earlier. i didn’t get to have a champagne breakfast or run out to all my friends and family like they do in sweden. i didn’t get a real graduation. i came home and all of the sudden i was done. can’t even remember seeing my diploma? all i’ve got is my transcripts, that’s my graduation. i know my parents got me a nice little balloon and a card, and they were proud of me. after all i did it a year earlier than expected, however it still doesn’t compare. sometimes i wonder if things would’ve been better if i would’ve stayed for another year. get more credits, work harder, get into a better university.. would everything have changed then? ah it’s funny how jealousy can take over sometimes, but the good thing is i’m mature enough to know when i’m jealous, and i can admit it. i don’t have to do what other people do and put others down and act like i’m better than other people cause i know that i’m not. jealousy is not a sin, if you know how to handle it.

well your wrong. you think you’re the shit, i think you’re shit. i don’t give a fuck if you’ve got issues with me anymore. i tried to ask what was going on, i tried being nice. i tried being there for you. well guess what.. fuck you. don’t you dare come running back to me acting like you even care. you were fake from the start. looking for someone to hold your hand because you were alone. well i hope you realize that it’s not going to get you far in life being so fake. also just to remind you babe, jealousy is a sin. you complain about not being ‘popular’ well turning your back on the ones who cared from the start isn’t a good way to go. oh and don’t bother talking to me when it suits you cause no one else is around. don’t bother thanking me for all i did for you. all you want is attention, im not even going to pity you. im done with you. over it. so im saying goodbye, but before i do let me just remind you that karma is a bitch. what goes around comes around, better be ready.

the new iphone 3 gangstas. haha naw, but yeah moms getting one she already pre-ordered it. ugh jealous much? totally. i downloaded a program where i could take video on my iphone cause thats all im really missing but yeah it totally made my phone go bazzeeerk! so i deleted it, no more videos for me ugh. i hate wanting new stuff. like seriously why do i need the new iphone? oh because i want to be able to take videos. im such a loser. im addicted and crave all things apple. are there rehabs for this?