did NOTHING yesterday. watched about 13 episodes of the mentalist if not more.

normally it’s hard for me to be home alone for such a long time without any human interaction but this morning i felt like doing the exact same thing today.

enjoyed just sitting in front of a tv show, not thinking about anything, not happy but not sad. just being.

all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ‘support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.