I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin. And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin.

just watched friends with benefits, since all the power outlets in my flat have stopped working.. spilt water earlier on my desk and dripped down and well, something blew the whole system up. any ways the only power outlet that works is in my kitchen.. thank god for one at least. i really liked the movie, i can’t say justin is the best actor ever, and even if the movie hit too close to home sometimes i enjoyed it. if only life were a movie.

i don’t think i’ve ever been so scared in my life, but i know that this too i will conquer. i have made it through more turmoil in the last five years than some people do in a lifetime, and if someone wants to take praise for why i’m still standing, then go ahead. go ahead. lie to yourself, because believe me, you are not the reason i am who i am. yes, for the last two years i spent a lot of time with a boy, a boy who meant so much to me. someone i truly gave my all, i was ready to do anything for him. i gave up friendships, i spent more time with him than i should’ve. i didn’t waste my first years of living alone or being at university, but i didn’t live it to the fullest either. i don’t regret anything, because he’s taught me so much. he helped me through some of the toughest battles, but without him i’d still be strong, and i will be strong without him. i’ve got amazing family and friends and even if i’ll be alone at first, i will find my way. i always do. plus being just me for a while is probably the healthiest thing for me right now. never mind my grades are skyrocketing

i made some mistakes, and that’s on me. i don’t neglect the fact that i hurt him too, and in no way am i trying to say that what i did was acceptable because of how he made me feel. i’m mature enough to know that what i did was wrong, and i am strong enough to say sorry and admit my faults.

the thing is i can’t keep lying to myself. there was a reason behind my actions, i didn’t just wake up one day and decide to ruin one of the greatest things i’ve ever had. but what i’ve come to see is that i didn’t ruin it alone, we did. after constantly being put down, constantly being neglected, knowing that i was holding somebody back, that this somebody who i would trade the world for didn’t even think i was worth deleting a simple nobody off of facebook for… how was i supposed to continue? how was i supposed to ignore the messages, the words written, the verbal abuse, how was i supposed to say it was okay and fake a smile? how do you love somebody who says so much, yet does so little to prove it? 

things could’ve been so different today. things would’ve been on track and i would be sitting here writing about how damn happy this boy makes me. the truth is, he hasn’t made me happy for a while now. the amount of phone calls to my sister, the tears, the hurt and emptiness inside me.. that’s not what a relationship is.

i’ve been pushed around for far too long. if he can’t realise that what he did hurt me, and that it was a factor in this equation, then fixing our relationship is not worth my time. it hurts more than i ever thought something like this would. i feel destroyed and i don’t know how to live without him, but this is not healthy. i am not healthy right now. i’m in a hole that we’re both digging deeper and deeper. we’ve both got our walls up, and neither of us is letting the other one past, and that is not a relationship. a relationship is based on a friendship with someone who is special to you and right now we are not friends, there is no trust, there is no love. there is no love. that to me is shameful. the fact that we both neglected each other’s feelings to a point that we’ve ruined what we had in the first place. it takes two people in a relationship, not one. i can’t fight our battles alone. i can’t make him love me, i can’t make these problems go away.

if he’s not willing to prove to me that i’m worth it, then why on earth would i get down on my knees and beg for him to stay with me? it doesn’t make sense in my mind. i love him, i truly do, and this is the most open i’ve been about it since it all fell apart, but i can’t stay with him if he doesn’t make the commitment to change as well. the longer we keep lying to ourselves, the more pain we’ll cause ourselves in the long run, and when.. when do we decide enough fighting is enough? when do i stop crying myself to sleep at night? when do i decide i want to live again and not just be?

i want nothing more than for us to work it out. nothing. i want us to be us again. i want it so bad it hurts just thinking about it. there’s an emptiness inside me that only he can fill, and if he’s not willing to then i need to find my own way to fill it. i need to stand up for myself, i need to get through this as well. i know i will, but i know it’s going to be a long journey.

this isn’t us, and it’s up to him to either change it or end it for good.

 They say that girls mature faster, but the question i’m struggling answering is when do boys ever mature? when do they grow up and realise that games are just that games, not a lifestyle?

I curious if it only applies to guys who played games when they were younger, for example my brother (30) still plays computer games and whatnot, and i’m assuming he’s replaced them slightly with poker, but then my dad doesn’t play any games, but he’s still into sports? i don’t know really, but i think it’s sad when you’re gaming habits affect your life in negative ways (now don’t get me wrong, this can happen to girls too.. just not as common).

If playing a game is more important to you than meeting up with someone to sort out your future, then you need to look in the mirror and grow up. If playing games prevents you from doing coursework for university.. you need to grow up, or drop out, because you’re at uni to learn, not to fuck about (as most people in London seem to believe). and if playing  games prevents you from doing your job properly, then you need help.

I just have never been so obsessed with a silly game to drop everything for a new release, so i don’t understand these boys. i think it’s pathetic.

why do we do the things we do? i never wanted to care this much. i never wanted to hurt anyone. i never wanted to be hurt in return. i never wanted to be here. im sick of feeling inadequate. feeling like i’ll never be the one. i’ll never be good enough. i’ll never be pretty enough. i wont be skinny enough. i wont be who you want me to be.

i try. i try ever damn day. nobody knows how much it hurts me to pretend like it’s okay. like im okay. like im happy. like it’ll all work out okay in the end. it’s never going to be okay. i can’t change anything. i can’t fix what’s already broken. i can’t fix myself for christs sake. i can’t do anything right.

every time things start to look up for me, i do something stupid or something comes in the way and it’s ruined again. i keep falling, and i keep getting back up, but im so tired of falling. i don’t want to trip over my own feet every damn day. i want a life i can be proud of. i want friends who don’t suddenly turn their backs on me over a summer. i want family close to me. i want to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed.

i just want things to be so different.

but i’m me, and i’ll never be that person. i’ll struggle every damn day.

and it doesn’t help that you put me down all the time. you think you’re such a bigger person but you forget that we all make mistakes. i’m not the first person to mess up, and i wont be the last. hopefully someday you’ll realise that your words hurt as well. you’ll realise that the more you make me work, the less i’ll want to. you can’t make someone want something. the more you push, the more i push away. one day i’ll walk away. because we can’t keep this up. and if it means that i’ll have to be the stronger person and walk away from an unhealthy situation, maybe one day you’ll thank me instead of punishing me for wanting to be happy.

I may not look it, but i feel fanfuckingtastic. A cheeky girls night out is what i needed. A jug of alcohol (no joke), a couple of idiots trying to chat me up, a few cheeky texts from people, and some sketchy journalists trying to follow me home..

i know not a lot of that sounds appealing but it’s made me feel ALIVE. i’m still living, weather it’s alone or with someone else, i’m alive, i’m living my life. it’s mine, and nothing or no one can take this from me.

i can feel my life slipping through the cracks of my fingers, like sand just blowing away in the wind. i don’t know what to do to stop it. i don’t know how to go about feeling alive and happy anymore.

i’m really not in a good place right now, and having an exam tomorrow and not being able to focus doesn’t help. then i’ve got work as well.

i can’t wait till this is all over. this year. this university. this life.

i want something different. i want to live again.

a picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

sometimes i wish i would’ve done everything different. when i say sometimes, i mean every damn day of my life. i wish i could go back in time and change everything. but it wasn’t up to me, it wasn’t just me who created the situation, and that’s the most important thing to remember as a ‘user’. no matter what kind of addiction you have.

it’s never your fault.. entirely. yea i fucked up for myself a lot, and i continued to do it, but it wasn’t just me. i wasn’t the only reason everything went to shit.

i wish i could change things, i honestly do. maybe then i’d be happy today, maybe i’d be content with my life. maybe i wouldn’t wake up every morning worrying if i had enough money to buy lunch. maybe i wouldn’t have wasted a year at a shit university. maybe i wouldn’t be paying so much money for an education. maybe i’d love myself. maybe i’d forgive the people in my life. maybe i’d forive myself. maybe i’d be normal.

but i’m not.

and that’s what i have to live with. i have to live with the fact that i fucked up the best years of my life. i ruined them, and now im wasting ‘the second best years of my life’ on shit. i sat here acting normal because i have no other choice.

i hate it all sometimes. i hate being me 75% of the time but i hide it so well.

just like i hid my eating disorder, i hide my unsatisfaction. i wondering if i’ll ever be truly honest with myself.

but i know i never will be, it’ll stick with me for the rest of my life. i’ll never be HAPPY, i might be satisfied at the most.

i hate it. i hate my life now. i wish i wouldn’t have met the amazing people that i’ve met in london, i wish i wouldn’t have had the amazing experiences i’ve had in london, because it’d be easier to leave.

i could leave without having any feelings or emotions left behind. i love this place, i love my university, and i love where i live.

but.. my life revolves around money. i wake up every morning wondering if i’ve got enough in my wallet to live. enough to buy a decent meal. enough to spurge on a bottle of wine for five pounds. and i hate it. i hate living on 70 pounds a week, when everyone around me lives on 150+. im jealous, im jealous all the way through. i just wish i had the carefree life i took advantage of when i was younger.

i wish i could go back in time and change EVERYTHING. believe me i would..