I may not look it, but i feel fanfuckingtastic. A cheeky girls night out is what i needed. A jug of alcohol (no joke), a couple of idiots trying to chat me up, a few cheeky texts from people, and some sketchy journalists trying to follow me home..

i know not a lot of that sounds appealing but it’s made me feel ALIVE. i’m still living, weather it’s alone or with someone else, i’m alive, i’m living my life. it’s mine, and nothing or no one can take this from me.

they’re performing at fabric tonight and tickets are only 10 pounds, however i’m just not really feeling going out. i think it’s because i’m sick. plus the medicine just makes me so drowsy.

we’ll see how i feel later, maybe i’ll really want to go out!

some of the girls are coming around mine, drinking for a bit then getting the bus to camden!

going to see the moonjets play at the dublin castle, should be a good night

it sounds so much easier than it actually is to find a place where you want to live. not just stay around but live. live for a full year. a tiny space that you have to make your own. so far my search hasn’t produced any results. only people trying to get you to send money through westernunion, no thanks!

i miss plano. i miss my friends. i miss my mamma. i miss my pup. i miss the simple lifestyle. the cars. the shopping. the food. everything. i don’t think i could move back, but i sure as hell wouldn’t mind visiting right now. seeing pictures from all my friends on easter break hanging out with each other. knowing i belong there. knowing i fit in. i hate to say it but i know that even if i work a lot until the summer i wont afford a trip to dallas.. i’ll have to wait another year. things i don’t want to believe. i want that choking heat. the burning sun. the air conditioned malls. the spicy food. the gooey queso. all of it. bring me to it!

so i made a video from the concert last night. unfortunately YouTube only lets you upload 10 minutes so i had to make the songs shorter and theres only two of them, but enjoy!

beyonce has it. her singing this live and being there would bring tears to my eyes.

some of the best songs of the night.. unbelievable. 

note.. not all are from dublin but hey gotta make do with what you can find!

last night at the concert i dont know why, but some songs were just so beautiful. i could really relate. not to the family portrait song, but i know emmelie loves it and i miss her so i couldnt stop thinking of her. it was so beautifully done. just pink a violin, and a dude on the piano. plus at the end she sang ‘carey, carey, carey’ just thought it was really sweet. during ‘Dont let me get me’ was when i had to hold back the tears. also just like a pill. those songs are me. ive dealt with it all. i really felt it. i remembered my past, the drugs, the bulimia, the depression, the messing everything up. 

Dont let me get me

Never win first place, I don’t support the team 
I can’t take direction, and my socks are never clean 
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me 
I was always in a fight cuz I can’t do nothin’ right 

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror 
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me 
I’m a hazard to myself 

Don’t let me get me 
I’m my own worst enemy 
Its bad when you annoy yourself 
So irritating 
Don’t wanna be my friend no more 
I wanna be somebody else 

I wanna be somebody else, yeah 

LA told me, “You’ll be a pop star, 
All you have to change is everything you are.” 
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears 
She’s so pretty, that just ain’t me 

Doctor, doctor won’t you please prescribe somethin 
A day in the life of someone else? 
Cause I’m a hazard to myself 
Dont let me get me

Just like a pill 

I’m lyin’ here on the floor where you left me 
I think I took too much 
I’m crying here, what have you done? 
I thought it would be fun 

I can’t stay on your life support, there’s a shortage in the switch, 
I can’t stay on your morphine, cuz its making me itch 
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes being a little bitch, 
I think I’ll get outta here, where I can 

Run just as fast as I can 
To the middle of nowhere 
To the middle of my frustrated fears 
And I swear you’re just like a pill 
Instead of makin’ me better, you keep makin’ me ill 
You keep makin’ me ill 

I haven’t moved from the spot where you left me 
This must be a bad trip 
All of the other pills, they were different 
Maybe I should get some help 

i ran away today. ran from the noise. chose not to listen. chose to do it my way. forgot about the lies running through my head. listened to the truth. its hard knowing sometimes which is right. ignored the voices. decided to be strong. didnt fight. didnt put up my walls and bring out my armor. just let it be. i didnt decide i wanted to be someone else. i dealt with my issues. yes i am not perfect. but who is? theres no medicine that can fix this. there is no easy fix. the hardest part is recognizing it. im past that. im to the point where the voices dont even matter anymore. i know they only want to bring me down. theres nothing that beats being honest to yourself. lying only becomes a bad habit, which gets you into a bad circle of habits. been there. not fun. i think writing on here has helped me a tremendous amount. i cant lie. i cant lie to myself, my friends, or my family. i cant lie to the people i dont know. its sort of a way of keeping me on track. ive made it this far, i cant let anything get in the way now. i will never ever again let bulimia tear me down. im better than bingeing and purging. im healthy. for all you girls out there who still are having problems, healthy doesnt mean im fat. it doesnt mean ive gained weight. healthy means im living life, without Ed constantly on my back or in my head. im getting to happy. one day i will be fully recovered for forever. i will never again turn to Ed.