so tomorrow don’t expect an update until afternoon/night. i’ve managed to waste a whole day today. i went to find paper, yet again. this fucking paper is ruining everything. anyways, enough anger for today. it’s a bank holiday, for god knows what reason. so no, the shops weren’t open. so tomorrow morning i’m going to buy that god damned paper. mount spray. mount my drawings. and then throw my portfolio in my course leader’s fucking face (not literally). i just wanna be finished. i wanna turn it in and never have to think about it again. i will fail, i’m setting myself up for failure. and you know what? you learn from your mistakes. yes this year was a mistake and i’ve learned that london metropolitan university is shit, and architecture is not for me. done. after i realized the shops were closed Simon who came along to help left me to go to a friends birthday, and as soon as i switched tubes i realized that my key was locked in his room and his room was locked. so yep. no gym. no clothes. no work. no computer. no nothing. thankfully jaz was around and he let me in the gates, and then i’ve been sat in irish’s flat watching tv until now. so tomorrow starts a very busy and stressful day. early start to get my portfolio together. so ready to put my hands up and walk away, but it’s one more day and honestly it’ll be shit but handing work in is better than handing no work in.

chores chores chores, don’t you just hate them? i swear doing laundry here sucks even more than it did at home. at home you could do it whenever, how much or how little you wanted. and it didn’t cost you a ridiculous amount. i’m going to get stupid expensive supplies for my portfolio. going to the gym. and then i’m going to finish my portfolio.. at least mount what i’ve got done haha. and then chill! because after tomorrow when i turn it in it will all be over. pass or fail, im done with london metropolitan university and architecture. never again.

off to buy paper to mount my drawings on for my portfolio turn in. will probably fail, but i couldn’t care less anymore. as long as i turn it in and get it done with it’s over. never again. wearing a corset from topshop, skirt from american apparel, and sweater from Gap.

still don’t feel great after eating. plus i’m tired as well now, that initial wake up energy has disappeared. could be because i most definitely do not want to go to uni today. we’re presenting our idea, and i can just see the mess ahead of me. and the long wait. i swear there is no such thing as organization or efficiency there.

got university today. and it’s a full day! and i don’t want to go. we’re working on our group installation project again (balloons covered with plaster hanging from the ceiling) and it’s just boring. however i need to show my face as much as possible to show the tutors that i’m trying and helping out in order to pass! there’s only the portfolio i’m worried about, the modules i’m fine for.. we’ll see.

just got back from uni. trying to get simon to study.. but he keeps slacking off! i’m too tired to do any more work right now. didn’t sleep well last night. went to the gym this morning. bought a quiche for lunch which i dropped right out of the oven. then been at uni since. just hungry i think.. so hopefully my mood with lighten after our crayfish dinner!!!

so i’ve gotten a lot done today. finished my coursework for one of my modules, i hope it’s at least good enough for a pass. they didn’t really give us a lot of work to do so i had to just figure some things out. so now i’m thinking a new episode of the pacific and bed? gym early tomorrow then uni and more coursework!

home from school now. debating weather i should do more work now or wait till sunday and do an all day? since everyone else seems to be missing and the boyfriends dead i’m thinking more work.. the crit today didn’t go as bad at i thought it would! they were actually really nice. told me my drawings weren’t as shit as i thought they were. told me what i need to do in order to pass, and i’ve got three weeks to get them done sooo.. pass pass pass i hope!! actually really cheered me up. sitting in my room now, somebody cooked something and it stinks so im surrounded by vanilla scented candles.. not helping as much as i wish!

went to bed early last night.. or tried. woke up like every hour. people playing loud rap music, first of all my grandmother could rap better than that, secondly why the fuck is it necessary to play it that loud at 1 in the morning? then someone was screaming on the train tracks, and so on. just pissed off when i woke up. nauseous today as well. oh and simon was at some shit last night with the guys and supposed to come home sometime during the night but, surprise surprise didn’t. so guess who doesn’t have an oyster card to get to uni? fucking waste of a weekly pass that is. aggravation at its highest right now. im hungry but i can’t eat. i don’t want to go to this final crit at school either, you know why? because i already know what they’re gunna say. my work is shit and im behind, no news there!! just want to crawl under a rock and die.

im jealous. i am jealous of the people in the states finished with their first year at college. the people in sweden graduating. the people who know where their life is going. the people on their way to being graduated. the people getting to start fresh, and choose a school. here i am sat in the dark, wondering if i can even pass this year. if i don’t pass i loose my place at regent’s college. if i don’t i have no clue what to do. i don’t want to waste another year. i don’t want to do it. i don’t want to leave london. i don’t know how i’ll handle it. im scared. what if i fall apart. what if i turn back to what i was. if i pass i’ll still be worried. no place to live. no clue where to look for a place to live. no clue what to look for. no clue if i’ll be happy. no clue if it’ll be close enough to the college. no idea if i’ll be able to keep in touch with people from halls. scared to test my relationship. im scared. im scared i’ll be forgotten. replaced. placed in a line of importance. im scared of change.