went to our student union bar wednesday night. can’t say it was one of the better nights i’ve had there. it made me feel really uncomfortable and lost. like i don’t know where i belong anymore. i don’t think this is it for me. at the same time moving out so soon would be a huge step. id need a job and whatnot first. aja, either way.. it was an ‘auction night’. they were bidding out cheerleaders and basketball players and it was just trashy (to say the least). some of the ‘cheerleaders’ (if you can even call them that) were running around in shorts.. no not shorts boyshorts. the kind of ’shorts’ i wear as underwear. the kind nobody sees. this girl had half of her ass hanging out. like youve got it flaunt it whatever, but honestly i dont really need to see it. what pisses me off the most though is girls like them who flirt around, show off their goods, fucking hell. your leading the guys on just by standing their. all you want is attention but then if you get more you complain. lay in the bed youve made sweetheart. then on the bus home this little kid, probably like 10 years old, starting getting into it with an older girl, and then another guy joined in, and then another girl, and then another guy. it just got to the point where if things were to escalate id be stuck in a very unlucky place, so i told simon i was uncomfortable and we moved downstairs on the bus. i dont want to put up with this ghetto shit anymore. i dont care if you think your some kind of hard ass, gangster, or drug dealer. truth is in my eyes your a failure. i may not be a ‘hard working’ person myself at the moment but at least im trying. at least ive got goals and a future ahead of me.

my god. i have never been so in love with a brand in my life. tracksuit tops, check. tracksuit bottoms, check. wallet, check. purses, check. jewelry, check. clothes, check. all thats missing is shoes, undies, and perfume. hehe. yes i am a juicy couture girl. dragged simon along to the store here in london and i was in heaven. its in a beautiful area and the store itself is amazing as well. also i found an amazing purse, if i had the money i wouldve pounced!

or so i wish it was! went to oxford street today to hand out cv’s and look for a new pair of jeans. and i found them! i mean of course i couldve found much better and payed more for them but honestly i hate shopping for jeans and they worked for me so i bought them. got them for a good price as well! cheap monday at urban outfitters, only 45 pounds! normally my jeans end up in the 100-200’s! so we’ll see if one of my friends here can sew them up for me if not ill get them tailored and itll cost a bit more but so worth it!

leaving Dublin today. dads moving to sweden in a couple of weeks so who knows when ill be back here again! i love this city and ill miss it. specially the apartment here, the bed, the view, the people, the pubs and clubs, everything! i’ve had a lovely weekend but it’s sadly back to real life now.. wearing monki skirt today!

went around Dublin today looking for jeans. i found a pair. although i felt they were too expensive. they’re cheaper in the states texas this summer please? they fit PERFECTLY. ive never tried on a pair of jeans and loved them immediately. however they were the smallest size and the sales woman said they’d stretch. so no, im not paying 200+ euros for them. i would no doubt pay the 165 dollars though. i loved them that much. oh well, will have to go searching in london!

went to a lovely restaurant close to the quays here. its a modern thai place which me and pappa went to with pinky! i had one of the best white wines ive had in ages! muscadet i think it was? i could be horribly wrong! either way the spring rolls were good and my main dish (cashew-nut chicken) was AMAZING. i haven’t had a dinner out like that in a long time. i loved every bit of it. it’s a bit sad leaving dublin, it really is. i love it here. its a mini, mini london. pinky’s always fun to go out with as well. but london is calling. and i cant give london up.

went out to my favorite place here in dublin tonight, cafe en seine. had a lovely chat with my pappa but didn’t want to wear ourselves out for tomorrow, lady gaga concert! although it’s funny how hard it was to leave london, i love that city and i love being there. as well as the people i’ve got there <3 but nothing beats the apartment my dad’s got here in dublin, especially not seven sisters hahaha.

probably the last time ill go to dublin, at least to visit my daddy. anyways so im packing today and then going to the airport around lunchtime tomorrow! also i get to see lady gaga in concert this weekend! wondering if my dads going to enjoy it, ha! oh and the mens hockey in the olympics has some important games on saturday. sweden plays finland i think and canada plays the u.s. oh la la!

tuesday during the day i decided to get some culture in! second museum here in London in just a couple of weeks! think im doing quite well with my new resolution. cant be wasting time in a city like London, so much too do and see! next up i think is the war museum. theres an exhibition on the holocaust that id rather like to see. 65th anniversary of the liberation of auschwitz this month i believe!

it hurts. it hurts to be honest with yourself. it hurts when others are honest with you. and it hurts when you honest to other people. certain things i dont want to hear. i just dont. i dont care what you mean by saying it i still dont want to hear it. it doesnt matter if its a positive thing, its just some things are better kept to yourself. things are great right now. except for the fact that im in daycare instead of university. but i dont know what i want for next year anymore. im thinking about taking another year off and finding myself again. things have changed so much. i know nothing will be the same next year. things will change and it hurts to think about it. i dont want to give up on school but at the moment ive got absolutely no drive at all. i couldnt give less about the shit im doing at university right now. its all a waste of my time. why should i even bother wasting my time caring about it? its not like i get real grades or anything. sometimes i wish everything would be so different. the same goes for the people here. i loved some people when i moved here, and i hated some. its like thats all changed. the people i disliked are the ones i like now, and the ones i liked im not too fond of anymore. im just tired of thinking and caring about my future. i just wanna do some business degree and get it over with. im not gunna find what i love in life by doing things the way i am now anyways. things are really starting to upset me and i wish i didnt have certain feelings. i wish i could feel nothing like i used to. i wish i didnt care. i want someone to push me in a direction where i have no control. its easier. do the work. hate school. still do the work. do it. and be done. just like high school. cant be bothered giving a fuck anymore. if im studying architecture then why the fuck do they expect me to turn in a photography assignment? if i wanted to do that i wouldve gone photography. fucking idiots. i swear to god im so pissed off with the choices ive made. i shouldve stayed another year in high school and then taken a year off now. but i didnt because i got sick. not even sick, i was mentally fucked. substance abuse. really? bulimia. really? what the fuck. i dont understand how i could fuck up so bad. and at the same time it is good that i didnt stay. i never wouldve gotten better in plano. i know it. and i know i can never move back because of the temptations. i just dont know anything at all anymore.