feeling extremely down this weekend. and all of last week as well. i think it’s just cause i’ve got too much time on my hands, too much time to think. just haven’t been happy. today hasn’t helped at all. feel extremely lonely, im sick and all i want is to go home and have my family take care of me. go to a doctor and get medicine, feel comfortable. i feel extremely uncomfortable and i’d love to crawl under a rock and sleep for the next ten years. not the time to be sick or depressed. doesnt help when certain people mislead your trust and mock you either. bit frustrated i guess.

sadness and loneliness always hit me the hardest in the evening. feeling really down today and i’m not sure why. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

went to the swedish shop yet again, can you tell i’m feeling christmas creeping and missing sweden?, with magnus after class today.

bought some more swedish food, i’ve spent way more money on food this week then i can afford already.. oh well, i need food to live no?

ate pyttipanna för dinner with an egg. reminded me of my grandma in sweden. everything reminds me of sweden nowadays!

i think things were easier last year because i had less work in uni so i had more free time to travel, haven’t travelled nearly as much this year.

i don’t know why but i ‘stumbled’ across this page and seeing the pictures of näckrosen and solna centrum i felt a little pang in my heart.

i didn’t think i missed sweden, but thinking about this summer and my family and everything i feel really lonely all of the sudden. a bit lost as to where ‘home’ really is.

good thing pappa and emmelie are coming to see me next week, good ol’ family lovin.

every day i realize how lucky i am. lucky to have such an amazing family. an amazing sister.

today after dinner i came back to town in order to stay at my sister’s. she’s been an angel (no surprise there) and let me and simon borrow her apartment for the week!

just packed her things and left, trusting me with everything. as soon as she left i felt lonely, ha!

to be fair, i’m old enough now to take care of things on my own, and be on my own. it’s quite nice, but it feels weird.

i feel like i kicked my sister out! thank you emmelie for being the best, and of course robert for having emmelie this week

all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ‘support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.

it’s taken me a long time to realize the difference. i used to need drugs. yeah i thought i did, but my life is fine without them. i then wanted them. i wanted the drugs so bad. i wanted that high. i wanted to feel good again. but after a while i then again realized i didn’t want or need them. i thought i needed you. i needed the happiness and the good feelings you brought me. just like another fucking drug. every day i’ve thought to myself about how you’ve always put me last. your needs come first. your family, granted that’s pretty obvious. your friends. everything. your shit comes before me. and after feeling so helpless and unloved so many times it’s got me thinking. i mean nothing. you would replace me in a heartbeat. you treat me like im dirt sometimes. i know im not always easy to deal with, but some things don’t need to be said or done, and it’s to the point where i can deal with things on my own. i have people who love me. i don’t need you. i don’t need your approval. i don’t need you to love me. cause even when you won’t be there for me.. they will. i’ll still be standing on my own two feet. i hope that scares you, because it should. if you even value me just the slightest bit you’d realize what you will be loosing.

hanna’s gone after a lovely long weekend of having her here she left at 2 this morning. she’s home now and alright, but i feel lonely. it was nice having one of my best friends around. someone who knows me. understands how i work. but it is just the way it is, we don’t live in the same country. barely ever have! in a way i think we work better with distances as well, gives us time to miss eachother! and i miss you already baby girl.

im a mess today. i dont know what it is. i have things to do but im ignoring them. feeling down yet again. so sick of this emotional roller coaster. i know its not the alcohol anymore as well..but i still dont know what the hell it is! why cant i just be normal. have a normal brain. and not have this stupid depression thing going on all the time. actually i know the answer to that. i ruined it for myself. i dug myself into a deep hole and im still working to get out. how much longer will i have to work at this?