i don’t think i’ve ever been so scared in my life, but i know that this too i will conquer. i have made it through more turmoil in the last five years than some people do in a lifetime, and if someone wants to take praise for why i’m still standing, then go ahead. go ahead. lie to yourself, because believe me, you are not the reason i am who i am. yes, for the last two years i spent a lot of time with a boy, a boy who meant so much to me. someone i truly gave my all, i was ready to do anything for him. i gave up friendships, i spent more time with him than i should’ve. i didn’t waste my first years of living alone or being at university, but i didn’t live it to the fullest either. i don’t regret anything, because he’s taught me so much. he helped me through some of the toughest battles, but without him i’d still be strong, and i will be strong without him. i’ve got amazing family and friends and even if i’ll be alone at first, i will find my way. i always do. plus being just me for a while is probably the healthiest thing for me right now. never mind my grades are skyrocketing

i made some mistakes, and that’s on me. i don’t neglect the fact that i hurt him too, and in no way am i trying to say that what i did was acceptable because of how he made me feel. i’m mature enough to know that what i did was wrong, and i am strong enough to say sorry and admit my faults.

the thing is i can’t keep lying to myself. there was a reason behind my actions, i didn’t just wake up one day and decide to ruin one of the greatest things i’ve ever had. but what i’ve come to see is that i didn’t ruin it alone, we did. after constantly being put down, constantly being neglected, knowing that i was holding somebody back, that this somebody who i would trade the world for didn’t even think i was worth deleting a simple nobody off of facebook for… how was i supposed to continue? how was i supposed to ignore the messages, the words written, the verbal abuse, how was i supposed to say it was okay and fake a smile? how do you love somebody who says so much, yet does so little to prove it? 

things could’ve been so different today. things would’ve been on track and i would be sitting here writing about how damn happy this boy makes me. the truth is, he hasn’t made me happy for a while now. the amount of phone calls to my sister, the tears, the hurt and emptiness inside me.. that’s not what a relationship is.

i’ve been pushed around for far too long. if he can’t realise that what he did hurt me, and that it was a factor in this equation, then fixing our relationship is not worth my time. it hurts more than i ever thought something like this would. i feel destroyed and i don’t know how to live without him, but this is not healthy. i am not healthy right now. i’m in a hole that we’re both digging deeper and deeper. we’ve both got our walls up, and neither of us is letting the other one past, and that is not a relationship. a relationship is based on a friendship with someone who is special to you and right now we are not friends, there is no trust, there is no love. there is no love. that to me is shameful. the fact that we both neglected each other’s feelings to a point that we’ve ruined what we had in the first place. it takes two people in a relationship, not one. i can’t fight our battles alone. i can’t make him love me, i can’t make these problems go away.

if he’s not willing to prove to me that i’m worth it, then why on earth would i get down on my knees and beg for him to stay with me? it doesn’t make sense in my mind. i love him, i truly do, and this is the most open i’ve been about it since it all fell apart, but i can’t stay with him if he doesn’t make the commitment to change as well. the longer we keep lying to ourselves, the more pain we’ll cause ourselves in the long run, and when.. when do we decide enough fighting is enough? when do i stop crying myself to sleep at night? when do i decide i want to live again and not just be?

i want nothing more than for us to work it out. nothing. i want us to be us again. i want it so bad it hurts just thinking about it. there’s an emptiness inside me that only he can fill, and if he’s not willing to then i need to find my own way to fill it. i need to stand up for myself, i need to get through this as well. i know i will, but i know it’s going to be a long journey.

this isn’t us, and it’s up to him to either change it or end it for good.

what do you do when there’s a fork in the road, and you’re the one that’s caused it but then you don’t know which path to take?

at what point do you call it quits? i mean things will NEVER be the same again, we will never be just us the way we used to be. the worst part of all of this pain and confusion, on both sides, is knowing that i’m the reason behind it. i’m the one that’s messed us up, i’m the one that broke our relationship. but there it is again, my guilt and regret will never be enough to fix us, it’ll just be pathetic words that don’t mean anything now that i’ve lied. i’ve violated our trust and i’ve violated his respect for me.

i don’t know where to go from here. do i put my all into this relationship, only to find out a few months down the road that the resentment is still there? or do i do the ‘noble’ thing and walk away? my head and my heart are telling me two different things. it’s easy to sit here and say it’s over and we can call it quits, but the fact is he’s been my everything for two years now. all of my memories involve him, all the trips, and the fights. the growing i’ve done as a person has been with him. how do you walk away from something like that? how do you say i’ll stop loving you entirely? undoubtedly my feelings have been altered, or else i wouldn’t have been able to do the things i did, but there’s still something there. every time i see him i’m scared he’s going to be lost for forever.

but then there’s the other option. so we get back together eventually.. all the hatred and disgust from his family and friends. how do you deal with that? how do you get over the fact that every single person in his life thinks i’m worth less than dog shit? i mean his mother’s already raised the price of our trip to Greece from 350 to 800 pounds.. and don’t even get me started on that. his brother thinks he should’ve hit me by now. and his best friends deleted me off of facebook. also he’s put facebook status updates like ‘how do you get revenge on an exgirlfriend’ ‘my girlfriends a slut’ ect. there’s no going past that. only two people in a relationship have the right to judge. only those two people will ever know what goes on behind closed doors.

i’m in no way trying to say what i did was acceptable, because it was wrong on every level.

however when it’s open for the world to judge it complicates things. he’ll constantly hear negative from the people around him, and i’ll constantly be degraded by it. so in the end will it be worth it? we can’t go back to what we’ve had. would it be easier to say good bye and thank you for the memories, or do you give love another chance? i feel like maybe it’s time for me to be alone. i’ve been in relationships for a while now, maybe it’s time for me to simply ‘do me’. learn to deal with everything on my own, live my own life and grow as a person alone. maybe then i’ll stop making mistakes and act like a sane person.

Jag kan inte prata med dig när du tittar bort, snälla ge mig två sekunder innan du ger upp.
Kan vi inte vara nära bara en minut.. är det nu, nu som det tar slut? Fast du inte lyssnar vet jag att du hör ändå, jag vill hinna säga allting innan jag ska gå.
Älskling, vänta får jag bara sitta bredvid dig, det var hon som ville träffa mig.

Snälla bli min igen. nej, låt det va som i en film. snälla bli min igen, låt mig va kvar. ja, låt det va.

Du tar bort min hand ifrån din arm och flyttar bort, ingenting jag säger spelar längre någon roll. ställer mig i hallen tills jag fattar vad som hänt, får jag ens ha kvar dig som min vän? knyter mina skor och går tillbaka in igen, sitter här på sängen tills du be mig att gå hem.

Letar efter nått att säga som kan ändra allt, nått mer än det jag redan sagt…

Snälla bli min igen. nej, låt det va som i en film. snälla bli min igen. låt mig va kvar. ja, låt det va.

i was going to continue blogging today about my trip. i was going to blog about what i’ve done today. i was going to have a good day on my own.

but it’s ruined. i’m trying to figure out what kind of emotions i’m even feeling anymore, and if it really is worth it?

why does this one thing work me up so damn much? and why do i want to walk away rather than stay..

i don’t want to leave my flat anymore, i don’t want to meet up with anybody, i don’t want to feel anything. i don’t want to be in this situation.

i hate you so much for doing this to me, OVER and over again. why can’t you just see that it’s painful? why don’t you understand that you’re being the bad guy.

every time i go through this i love you a little bit less.

just been skyping with this boy named simon, he’s kind of annoying and a bit of a freak, but i gave him a kiss any ways…

“I have loved to the point of madness; That which is called madness, to me, is the only sensible way to love viagra.” – Francoise Sagan

i heard that your dreams came true. guess she gave you things, i couldn’t give to you… but I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t fight it.

for me it isn’t over. never-mind i’ll find someone like you..i wish nothing but the best for you. don’t forget me. i’ll remember your face. sometimes it’s a lesson learned, but sometimes it hurts instead. only yesterday was the time of our lives.. don’t forget me babe, i’ll remember your face.

regrets and mistakes they are memories made... i wish nothing but the best for you.

Simon’s just come back to london tonight. I’m meeting him here in marylebone and we’re going on a sort of mini date just to spice things up and so things don’t become too routine.

probably staying at his tonight, so mobile blogging will have to do.

some say i’ll be better without you but they don’t know you like I do…..or at least the sides I thought I knew.

it drags on as I lose my mind. reminded by things I find, like notes you’ve left behind.

wake me up, wake me up when all is done, i won’t rise until this battle’s won, my dignity’s become undone.

i can do it on my own, i’m willing to take the risk.. but i wont go, if this isn’t love then what is?

what if I lose my heart and fail the climb?  i won’t forgive me if i give up trying.

there will be times we’ll try and give it up. we’ll almost fall apart and burn the pieces and watch them turn to dust, but nothing will ever taint us.

will he still love me even when he’s free? or will he go back to the place where he will choose the poison over me?

he won’t go, he can’t do it on his own. if this ain’t love, then what is? he’s willing to take the risk, so I won’t go

mother’s day is today in England. so i figured i’d post a lovely little tribute to my mother.

as she’s going through a bit of a rough time right now, i wish i could be in dallas to cheer here up and give her the proper mother’s day treatment, but instead i’ll just have to send my love… even if she has an ipad..grr. jealous much?

love you mom