so mad i’m wondering if i can even write this post without being foul mouthed. i worked so hard to find a place where i could get my iphone fixed, after waiting ages to even get a new phone. new as in used by my mother, but i wasn’t picky i’d take anything.

it got fixed last week and you should’ve seen me, a kid on christmas day. i was ecstatic. i was running around showing and texting everyone about my new phone.

then on saturday, stolen.

!”#€&!”&%€#”!

so mad.

but what’s happened has happened, i’m moving on now. no point in being angry and resenting myself for it. just learning from my mistakes and moving on. let’s hope i get a job asap so i can buy a new one. :/

Now my eyes are wide open. Now that every thing’s been stolen. See i’m not wasting any more time..gotta take back whats mine. What else am i suppose to do?
Here I am with my heart on the floor and my love out the door. But there it goes I got nothing to show for.

I told myself time and again, that i’ll never win. I told myeslf time and again. but i keep doing the same old things, when you thought i would change.

Here I am with my heart on the floor and my love out the door. But there it goes I got nothing to show for.

i knew i was stupid, but i never thought i was this big of an idiot. i never thought id actually ruin the best thing i had going for me. i never thought id push someone i love so far away that they don’t even want to speak to me anymore. i never thought id ruin it all.

the worst thing about it is if i would’ve acted right we would’ve been okay. if i could go back in time id change it all, id fix things. id make it so i never hurt anyone, and i never ruined things for anyone else.

im sick of hurting the people i love, its a horrible feeling waking up the next day and regretting every single breath you took the night before. its horrible always making mistakes and never learning from them.

i can’t change what i’ve done. i can’t change what happened. i can’t even change your feelings. i can’t do anything but say im sorry, but even that means nothing.

the only thing i can do now is hope that you’ll forgive me. hope that you’ll look past it and see that im changing. im changing for you. im changing in order to keep you in my life. i want to make you as happy as you’ve made me.

i wish so desperately that i could be different, and then it never would’ve happened. and im going to work my hardest to be a new me. never going back to what i was, because if i do ill end up alone with everyone resenting me as much as i resent myself.

i so increadibly sorry and i hope with all my heart you’ll forgive me.

i see this picture and i hurt. i hurt all over. inside and outside. the tears run and i remember the pain. the panic. the hurtful things i’ve done to myself and others. it makes me sick, but the worst thing is that i was sick. i’m not sick anymore, so why should i feel this way? why do i put myself down like this? why can’t i stay happy.

so very very frustrated. frustrated financially. frustrated with my stupid student loan. frustrated with not having an overdraft sorted yet. frustrated with my internet not working in my flat. frustrated with my mobile internet screwing up all the time. why can’t everything just be sorted out already?!

so guess who’s internet STILL isn’t working.

i can’t call plusnet either because i need the internet to top up my phone. and the mobile internet i’ve got wont let me.

so frustrating that i’d rather go out in the sun and not think about it.

!@#@ #$%^&*#!

it’s been yet another one of those days. so sick of having them. so sick of dealing with them.

woke up and wasn’t unhappy just irritable. things all day have just gotten me at my core. eating away my patience like a tasty dessert. haven’t been happy. just needed a cuddle or something.

don’t know why it happens, it just does. tonight’s one of them nights as well. back hurts. head hurts. can’t sleep. don’t wanna be awake. don’t wanna be stuck with a shitty internet connection with nothing to do.

why?

i need to vent a bit, and there’s nobody who will understand so dearest blog readers, don’t get too confused.

i don’t understand how you can be so damn naive. don’t you realize that it’s not a dance on flowers? it’s not all its cracked up to be. i thought you listened when i told you, but apparently not. you’re making a massive mistake, but it’s not my place to step in. i want you to know that you will never be anything unless you grow up. make something of yourself. you can’t rely on others to support you always. i thought i could, but then i realized i didn’t even want to anymore. it’s so much better being independent. i just want you to understand, but you don’t. i don’t know if you ever will. i’m willing to be there for you the day that you do though, for now.. not so interested.

you’ve hurt me so much that instead of being upset, im angry. i don’t care for you anymore. the little respect i used to have for you is gone. i don’t want to be around you, i don’t want to hear about you, i just would rather you not be involved in my life. unfortunately that’s not really possible. so this time, i’ll be the mature one. i’ll forget what you’ve said. i’ll forget how much i hate you. how a woman like you can tear down a girl like me is unfathomable, but congrats you’ve done it. maybe now you’ll understand that you didn’t do those things for me, you did them because you felt inadequate.

i tried. i’ve tried. i’m still trying. but you know what? i finally give up. i tried so hard to like you. i tried to be friendly, nice, and courteous. but today i realized i’ve tired of trying. i’m done. so here’s my middle finger and a massive fuck you. i didn’t believe it was possible to hate someone but i fucking despise you. and the fact that you don’t have the guts to try when i’m around, but when i’m not there it suits you. so the next time my name slips off your tongue dear, i hope you choke on it.

breakfast this morning wasn’t good. i had to force myself to eat a slice of bread and some yogurt while cleaning my room. then when me and Simon finally got off our asses to go to the gym i was hungry again.. there wasn’t any lunch at home so i decided to get something at tesco’s on the way. mistake. nothing looked appealing. i found a salad i liked, but of course there wasn’t any plastic forks so how was i supposed to eat it, with my hands? so i put that back. didn’t want another one of their nasty sandwiches.. so i opted for a chicken pasta thing. got a bottle of water and thought i was set! i was already frustrated cause i didn’t get any food that i actually felt like eating, and i hate spending money on food. i think it’s a waste. the less i buy the less i eat.. makes sense no? but it’s not good for me i know. either way we started walking towards the gym while i was eating, and well after two bites i wanted to be sick. the pasta made my mouth taste like poison and the chicken just made my stomach churn, not cause it tasted bad but because i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want it. i didn’t want to add more to my stomach. it felt stupid eating before a work out. what’s the point? but you can’t work out on an empty stomach, it’s not smart. i broke down and started crying, and poor simon was so confused. it’s hard when i can’t explain what’s going on, half the time i don’t even know! i was just so frustrated that my ed thoughts are coming back. i was mad at myself, the eating disorder, everything. i was upset, and frustrated. but we kept walking, i ended up throwing away the pasta cause i couldn’t bare to look at it. i didn’t want it. simon said he wouldn’t let me work out on an empty stomach so we went into somerfields and i bought a banana and a smoothie. it filled me up and it wasn’t as difficult to eat. i don’t know why the pasta was so hard but it was. it was like Ed was set on me not eating it, i wasn’t allowed and i listened. next time i’ll make the choices, i’ll pick something i will eat. i will eat it. i’m sick of ed bossing me around. i want to eat without any worries, i want to just eat. just be.

it’s taken me a long time to realize the difference. i used to need drugs. yeah i thought i did, but my life is fine without them. i then wanted them. i wanted the drugs so bad. i wanted that high. i wanted to feel good again. but after a while i then again realized i didn’t want or need them. i thought i needed you. i needed the happiness and the good feelings you brought me. just like another fucking drug. every day i’ve thought to myself about how you’ve always put me last. your needs come first. your family, granted that’s pretty obvious. your friends. everything. your shit comes before me. and after feeling so helpless and unloved so many times it’s got me thinking. i mean nothing. you would replace me in a heartbeat. you treat me like im dirt sometimes. i know im not always easy to deal with, but some things don’t need to be said or done, and it’s to the point where i can deal with things on my own. i have people who love me. i don’t need you. i don’t need your approval. i don’t need you to love me. cause even when you won’t be there for me.. they will. i’ll still be standing on my own two feet. i hope that scares you, because it should. if you even value me just the slightest bit you’d realize what you will be loosing.