[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DChHEf0lpEE[/youtube]

why do we do the things we do? i never wanted to care this much. i never wanted to hurt anyone. i never wanted to be hurt in return. i never wanted to be here. im sick of feeling inadequate. feeling like i’ll never be the one. i’ll never be good enough. i’ll never be pretty enough. i wont be skinny enough. i wont be who you want me to be.

i try. i try ever damn day. nobody knows how much it hurts me to pretend like it’s okay. like im okay. like im happy. like it’ll all work out okay in the end. it’s never going to be okay. i can’t change anything. i can’t fix what’s already broken. i can’t fix myself for christs sake. i can’t do anything right.

every time things start to look up for me, i do something stupid or something comes in the way and it’s ruined again. i keep falling, and i keep getting back up, but im so tired of falling. i don’t want to trip over my own feet every damn day. i want a life i can be proud of. i want friends who don’t suddenly turn their backs on me over a summer. i want family close to me. i want to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed.

i just want things to be so different.

but i’m me, and i’ll never be that person. i’ll struggle every damn day.

and it doesn’t help that you put me down all the time. you think you’re such a bigger person but you forget that we all make mistakes. i’m not the first person to mess up, and i wont be the last. hopefully someday you’ll realise that your words hurt as well. you’ll realise that the more you make me work, the less i’ll want to. you can’t make someone want something. the more you push, the more i push away. one day i’ll walk away. because we can’t keep this up. and if it means that i’ll have to be the stronger person and walk away from an unhealthy situation, maybe one day you’ll thank me instead of punishing me for wanting to be happy.

what do you do when there’s a fork in the road, and you’re the one that’s caused it but then you don’t know which path to take?

at what point do you call it quits? i mean things will NEVER be the same again, we will never be just us the way we used to be. the worst part of all of this pain and confusion, on both sides, is knowing that i’m the reason behind it. i’m the one that’s messed us up, i’m the one that broke our relationship. but there it is again, my guilt and regret will never be enough to fix us, it’ll just be pathetic words that don’t mean anything now that i’ve lied. i’ve violated our trust and i’ve violated his respect for me.

i don’t know where to go from here. do i put my all into this relationship, only to find out a few months down the road that the resentment is still there? or do i do the ‘noble’ thing and walk away? my head and my heart are telling me two different things. it’s easy to sit here and say it’s over and we can call it quits, but the fact is he’s been my everything for two years now. all of my memories involve him, all the trips, and the fights. the growing i’ve done as a person has been with him. how do you walk away from something like that? how do you say i’ll stop loving you entirely? undoubtedly my feelings have been altered, or else i wouldn’t have been able to do the things i did, but there’s still something there. every time i see him i’m scared he’s going to be lost for forever.

but then there’s the other option. so we get back together eventually.. all the hatred and disgust from his family and friends. how do you deal with that? how do you get over the fact that every single person in his life thinks i’m worth less than dog shit? i mean his mother’s already raised the price of our trip to Greece from 350 to 800 pounds.. and don’t even get me started on that. his brother thinks he should’ve hit me by now. and his best friends deleted me off of facebook. also he’s put facebook status updates like ‘how do you get revenge on an exgirlfriend’ ‘my girlfriends a slut’ ect. there’s no going past that. only two people in a relationship have the right to judge. only those two people will ever know what goes on behind closed doors.

i’m in no way trying to say what i did was acceptable, because it was wrong on every level.

however when it’s open for the world to judge it complicates things. he’ll constantly hear negative from the people around him, and i’ll constantly be degraded by it. so in the end will it be worth it? we can’t go back to what we’ve had. would it be easier to say good bye and thank you for the memories, or do you give love another chance? i feel like maybe it’s time for me to be alone. i’ve been in relationships for a while now, maybe it’s time for me to simply ‘do me’. learn to deal with everything on my own, live my own life and grow as a person alone. maybe then i’ll stop making mistakes and act like a sane person.

[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzWSe9QaH3c[/youtube]

With everything happening today, you don’t know whether you’re coming or going but you think that you’re on your way. Life lined up on the mirror don’t blow it.

Look at me when I’m talking to you. You looking at me but I’m looking through you.

I see the blood in your eyes
I see the love in disguise
I see the pain hidden in your pride
I see you’re not satisfied
…and I don’t see nobody else

I see myself, I’m looking at the mirror on the wall, here we are again.

Through my rise and fall, you’ve been my only friend. You told me that they can understand the girl I am, so why are we here talking to each other again?

I see the truth in your lies, I see nobody by your side but I’m with you when you’re all alone and you correct me when I’m looking wrong.
I see that guilt beneath the shame, i see your soul through your window pane. I see the scars that remain, I see you.

Looking at me now I can see my past. I see the change, I see the message and no message coulda been any clearer.
So I’m starting with the girl in the mirror on the wall.

getting ready for dinner out tonight. decided to do my hair after all since the rain kind of stopped, major mistake? we’ll see!

pet peeves? yep, i’ve got some. therefore i’ve started a new category here on the blog.. My says NO. either things that annoy me, fashion mistakes, or places not to go to! so to start it off i’ll say NO to tights and nothing covering your ass. I do not want to see your bottom, and neither does anybody else. I also don’t wanna see the outline of your underwear, cover it and keep it to yourself. this goes for fat, normal, and skinny girls. no matter how ‘hot’ you think you look, cover it. okay, thanks.

so tomorrow don’t expect an update until afternoon/night. i’ve managed to waste a whole day today. i went to find paper, yet again. this fucking paper is ruining everything. anyways, enough anger for today. it’s a bank holiday, for god knows what reason. so no, the shops weren’t open. so tomorrow morning i’m going to buy that god damned paper. mount spray. mount my drawings. and then throw my portfolio in my course leader’s fucking face (not literally). i just wanna be finished. i wanna turn it in and never have to think about it again. i will fail, i’m setting myself up for failure. and you know what? you learn from your mistakes. yes this year was a mistake and i’ve learned that london metropolitan university is shit, and architecture is not for me. done. after i realized the shops were closed Simon who came along to help left me to go to a friends birthday, and as soon as i switched tubes i realized that my key was locked in his room and his room was locked. so yep. no gym. no clothes. no work. no computer. no nothing. thankfully jaz was around and he let me in the gates, and then i’ve been sat in irish’s flat watching tv until now. so tomorrow starts a very busy and stressful day. early start to get my portfolio together. so ready to put my hands up and walk away, but it’s one more day and honestly it’ll be shit but handing work in is better than handing no work in.

and definitely not in a good way. it just makes my blood boil. yeah thinking of snorting cocaine gets me a mental high, its like it takes me back to where i used to be. but i hate it. i hate the fact that one drug ruled so much of my life. some nights ill have dreams of me doing drugs and ill wake up my heart POUNDING and in a sweat. its not a pleasant feeling. specially not when you start believing its true, you have to slap yourself and realize i did not take those drugs again, it was just a dream. its like the drugs are still in my system and playing games with my brain. either way this ‘new’ drug, scares the living hell of out me. not because i think its more dangerous that any of the other drugs its just that i can easily see some people i know trying it and getting hooked. i knew from the first time i snorted cocaine that i loved the drug. it was the only drug i craved and would go out of my way to get.  ketamine, formally used as a date rape drug is not becoming a fad. yeah you snort it but its a different high from cocaine. its also said to be the most popular drug at festivals this summer. i know people who are going to festivals, and are willing to try new things. hopefully those people arnt as stupid as i was. everyones entitled to make their own mistakes but seriously.. cant you make do with alcohol? your at a festival enjoying yourself with friends, its something to remember! dont ruin it by taking drugs and not being able to remember anything. this drug is a lot more powerful that you think it is. a gram of ketamine puts out a horse, A HORSE. seriously. i dont know what else i can say to make you guys understand. half of the people wont read this and after all my ranting it seems i wont be able to get it through to them either. i guess everyones bound to try things for themselves, but afterwards ill have to tell you i told you so.

yet another reason why i love american apparel. they arnt just a clothing company. they care, and the show their opinions and stick to them. i recently found one of their new shirt styles the one where it says Legalize Gay, repeal proposition 8. i loved it straight away. not because im lesbian or gay or any of that, but why shouldnt every HUMAN have the same rights? its the same as saying blacks and whites cant marry. its like are we really back to this again? wasnt it during our grandparents generation that blacks and women finally got equality? arnt we supposed to learn from history, and not repeat its mistakes. i just dont get it, why are people so close-minded? i mean why do i care if two lesbians get married? or two gays? it has NOTHING to do with me or my life. yes i might not be a lesbian but that doesnt give me the write to judge and discriminate! its so ridiculous. what are your thoughts?