i don’t have a bedside table so everything just kind of lands on the floor next to the bed..

im super tired today. the family staying with us don’t exactly use their inside voices in the mornings, so i was up after a solid 8 hours at 9 am. what am i going to do now? nobody will be awake for at least another 2 or 3 hours.

let me just NOT recommend a certain type of pull out bed from ikea.. that is unless you like having neck, back, and knee problems and waking up grumpy. dislike.

don’t know what i’ve done but my neck hurts so bad. all the muscles are really tight and i can barely move.

in so much pain. im guessing it’s how i slept last night?

simon wont give me a proper massage and i don’t know what else to do, i’m dying

longest day today. and hopefully not such a long night tonight. need to get up tomorrow morning!

cut myself shaving in the shower and holy hell IT BURNS in so much pain..

went to the gym pretty late today, kind of a mistake considering after my run all the machines were being used. people standing around in groups like it’s a freaking social place. get off if you aren’t going to do any work!

i ran for an hour and a half! proud! i’m already sore and hurting. need new shoes. i did have to slow down for a minute or two though cause i got an insane cramp. but i kept going! and i did it i’d say i ran around 8-9 k so i should be good for a 10k run in September if i keep this up. although i have to say, i’ve never been so sweaty in my life! ridiculous.

literally. the sun is shining outside and it’s warm as hell in my room. not that I’m complaining but, where’s the AC when you need it? haven’t these people realized we’re in the 21st century? either was it’s nice out and I’m thinking of getting ready and going to the park alone with a book and getting my tan on..? although going to the park alone sounds so freaking boring. also I’m in pain today. went to the gym on friday and my arms are killing me today! no bueno, but at the same time it’s a good pain

it’s hard to accept certain things and instances, but i have no choice anymore. i’ve accepted what i’ve done, the consequences, and the possible outcomes. whatever happens you can’t say i didn’t try. because that’s all i’ve got left, try. i can’t do much else but try. try to fix what’s broken. try to mend the scratches. try to fix the broken glasses you walk on. try to understand how your feeling. try to be there for you for once. try to be happy. i know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but i’ll make it a lot. at the end of the day whatever happens will happen, and i’ll feel better knowing that i tried. i gave it all i had. i didn’t give up or walk away, because you never gave up or walked away. the least you deserve is for me to try. i will try. ill try every damn day and night. i won’t budge and you’ll see. and when you decide ill be here ready. i’ll try to deal with the outcome in the best way possible. that’s my promise to you.

i don’t know if i can do it this time. i don’t know if i can forgive someone who dislikes me for who i am. someone who won’t bat an eye lash when i’m sat there in pain and i need help. someone who will ‘help’ when it suits them. not when they’re tired or ‘sick of my bullshit’. i don’t know if i can do it. it’s not worth it to me. if you can’t love all of me you don’t deserve me. i don’t deserve to be treated like that. i’m tired of tip-toeing around you because i’m scared you wont like what’s really there. i can’t do it. i will not change who i am because it’s not good enough for you.

Sometimes it’s not okay. Sometimes people hurt you beyond healing. Sometimes you can’t bear to ever look them in the eye ever again. Sometimes you can move on. You can recognize a fault. You can forgive them, granted you won’t forget. If it happens again? You won’t let them walk over you. You put your foot down and say no. No I won’t forgive you. I’ve done so much to hurt my parents. Just thinking about it makes me embarassed and hurt. I can’t believe they forgve me time after time. I don’t know if I couldve been so loving if I was in their positions at the time. I’ve forgiven people who have hurt me in my life a lot of times. But it’s up to them to come to me and apologize. To tell me that they know they made a mistake and that it won’t happen again. There’s nothing more painful than holding a grudge. Thinking about our friendship, i’m angry. Not because of what you did, I was equally as bad of a friend. But because of the fact that you never made the effort. After all those years. Not a single word from you. I wouldn’t even know if you were still alive if it weren’t for facebook. Makes me mad that you threw away everything just like that. Some things I cannot let go of. People have hurt me when I’ve been in vulnerable situations and when it really wasn’t okay. I kept you around for a reason. I don’t kick people out of my life because I believe that people can change. However you dont hold the same stature in my eyes anymore. Just looking at myself I’ve got so many people in my life that couldve just abandoned me. But they didn’t. They stuck around, through all my lies and deception. They saw me change and I will never again hurt these people. However it gets to me when other people just drop friends over a few mistakes. Isn’t it time for you to open your eyes? I’m sure your not perfect either. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time. Some smaller than others. But still everyones  entitled to at least a second chance. Not always a third…

It’s funny how a girl can say all she wants about me and you know what.. I couldn’t give less. Tells me I’m a slut. I’m worthless. I’m a bad friend. I’m selfish. I know it’s not true. She’s worth less than the toilet paper I wipe my ass with. I can’t be bothered dealing with bullshit anymore. I’ve done it for years. I’ve let it tear me apart as well. No more. I know who my real friends are. However someone who I truly truly care so much about makes one comparison and I fall apart. It tears me to shreads. It hurts me in places I never wouldve known possible. It makes me feel smaller than I’ve ever felt before. Am I worth nothing? Do they really see me that way? If so, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Im hurt. Disappointed. Aggrivated. I’m sick. Sick of being vunerable, wondering if this is really it? Am I gunna be this sensitive the rest of my life? Am I going to care so much about others opinions? It hurts to be compared to someone you despise. Knowing that someone thinks your alike. Knowing that person thinks I’m alike with a person i wouldn’t mind having out of my life completely. For forever. Someone who’s been a complete waste of my energy and time. Someone I wish I never wouldve known existed. Its like telling me I have no standards. I have no respect for life. For friendship. Tearing down my selfesteem with one sentence. Tearing apart feelings of accomplishment that have taken years to gain. Recovery. Therapy. Medicines. All of it down the drain. Making me feel like I’m the smallest piece of trash in the world. I’d rather you tell me i’m like a piece of shit. I’ve dealt with bulimia. Substance abuse. Severe depression. Bad friends. Bad company. I’ve dealth with so much more and been through so much. So don’t you dare ever tell me something so ludicrous as that ever again. I know I’m worth more than that. Don’t hurt me.

ever feel like you’ve been totally replaced? and not been missed for a second? fell like you’ve been left behind in the dust without a single soul looking in the rearview mirror. nobody worried, nobody who cares. nobody who even bothers to see if you wanna join in or if your alright. we went through so much together. you helped me immensely. how could you just let it all go like this? how can you just walk away and pretend like it never happened. i miss you, i really do. at the same time though, you’ve shown me your true colors. how childish you really are. how much you care about yourself. in a way im happy im not wasting my friendship and time on you. because your truly not worth it if you treat me this way. how can you just push someone away who was there for you when you needed someone? i dont get it. sometimes i wonder if ill ever find any more true friends like the ones i’ve grown up with.