that’s where i want to be at the moment. my life in confusing. i want to be in so many places at once. i can’t believe i booked a ticket to sweden for just a week, really only a week? i wanna go to dallas so bad, but that’s not happening. i want to go on vacation, but that’s not happening. i just wanna be around people who i love, and that’s not happening.

i feel so alone. that’s what it is. that’s why i was upset this morning as well. i feel alone. i miss my parents. i miss my sister. i miss my friends. i miss it all. im missing out. my sister gets to go to dallas and see my mamma and i know how much fun and whatnot they’ll have and im jealous. im jealous of the people finished for the summer. im jealous of my friends in sweden just graduating and celebrating everything. friends in dallas laying out by the pool doing NOTHING, not a care in the world. why can’t i be there? instead im stuck here with two weeks left, with a lot of work to do and no motivation. none what so ever. i want to get out. i might actually just go to the park alone. get some air, a breather.

so even though the rain was coming down simon and i decided to go out for dinner. nowhere expensive of course, just the one and only CHIPOTLE! must say at first look i wasn’t impressed. mainly cause im used to there being a line around the entire building in plano, but also because the rice wasn’t the same color, the pico de gallo didn’t have any tomatoes in it.. but after eating it, i have to say it tastes the same! and boy oh boy was i happy afterwards! full as well. i’ve got to say a corona really does the trick when eating mexican food, of course i could never have done that in the states the burritos aren’t anywhere near the same size as they are in the states, but duh. either way simon ate all of his and i didn’t hear a single complaint. so i will most likely be going back there again!

i miss plano. i miss my friends. i miss my mamma. i miss my pup. i miss the simple lifestyle. the cars. the shopping. the food. everything. i don’t think i could move back, but i sure as hell wouldn’t mind visiting right now. seeing pictures from all my friends on easter break hanging out with each other. knowing i belong there. knowing i fit in. i hate to say it but i know that even if i work a lot until the summer i wont afford a trip to dallas.. i’ll have to wait another year. things i don’t want to believe. i want that choking heat. the burning sun. the air conditioned malls. the spicy food. the gooey queso. all of it. bring me to it!

i miss it sometimes. i miss it a lot. i miss it a little. either way i miss it. pedicure once a month. acrylic nails every two weeks. shopping on a regular basis. driving around in a new car. going to a private school. chillin with friends. all the glamourous things i had in life. snorting cocaine. popping pills. drinking myself into oblivion. throwing up after everything i ate. hiding my feelings. headaches. stomach pains. fear. sadness. regret. loneliness. all the unglamorous things i had in life. i dont miss it. im happy i can be without it. however sometimes i feel like i want it back, without the pain. i want that life. i want to be carefree. i want to feel the wind in my hair as i drive down the tollway. i want to be able to go shopping and spend money without having to worry about rent or food. but then again i wouldn’t give up this life. i’ve got a boyfriend who i couldn’t love more. i’m working towards getting a degree and a real job. i’m living in one of the most amazing cities in the world. im happy. im healthy. and im not tempted. i may drink more than needed, but im in control now and im 18. i know when to stop. im not hurting myself intentionally anymore. im not doing drugs. im the best ive ever been in my life. and i’ve got my loved ones to thank for that. without my mom and dad i wouldn’t have been able to go to treatment. without my therapist i wouldn’t have dealt with certain issues. without my sister i wouldn’t have had that undying support. without my friends, i wouldn’t have been able to be so honest with myself. without you i wouldn’t still be standing.

it hurts. it hurts to be honest with yourself. it hurts when others are honest with you. and it hurts when you honest to other people. certain things i dont want to hear. i just dont. i dont care what you mean by saying it i still dont want to hear it. it doesnt matter if its a positive thing, its just some things are better kept to yourself. things are great right now. except for the fact that im in daycare instead of university. but i dont know what i want for next year anymore. im thinking about taking another year off and finding myself again. things have changed so much. i know nothing will be the same next year. things will change and it hurts to think about it. i dont want to give up on school but at the moment ive got absolutely no drive at all. i couldnt give less about the shit im doing at university right now. its all a waste of my time. why should i even bother wasting my time caring about it? its not like i get real grades or anything. sometimes i wish everything would be so different. the same goes for the people here. i loved some people when i moved here, and i hated some. its like thats all changed. the people i disliked are the ones i like now, and the ones i liked im not too fond of anymore. im just tired of thinking and caring about my future. i just wanna do some business degree and get it over with. im not gunna find what i love in life by doing things the way i am now anyways. things are really starting to upset me and i wish i didnt have certain feelings. i wish i could feel nothing like i used to. i wish i didnt care. i want someone to push me in a direction where i have no control. its easier. do the work. hate school. still do the work. do it. and be done. just like high school. cant be bothered giving a fuck anymore. if im studying architecture then why the fuck do they expect me to turn in a photography assignment? if i wanted to do that i wouldve gone photography. fucking idiots. i swear to god im so pissed off with the choices ive made. i shouldve stayed another year in high school and then taken a year off now. but i didnt because i got sick. not even sick, i was mentally fucked. substance abuse. really? bulimia. really? what the fuck. i dont understand how i could fuck up so bad. and at the same time it is good that i didnt stay. i never wouldve gotten better in plano. i know it. and i know i can never move back because of the temptations. i just dont know anything at all anymore.

okay so the blog has been down. for ages i know. but it hasn’t been working, not my fault!!! i’ve come to so many conclusions in the last week it’s unbelievable and i’ve been so mad that my blog hasn’t been working as well. nothing at station court has changed and to be honest nothing ever will. british will be the way they are for forever, and as much as i despise parts of them.. i have to live with it, and i love some of them as well . i also realized how much i fucking love london. i dont want to leave here. i dont even want to live in sweden again. i love love love love love love london. its an amazing city. the people ive met and truly adore i want to keep for the rest of my life. they’re great friends. im not ready to leave this behind just because i cant get into a stupid university. im so sick of getting no’s. it’s not fair. i have the grades. ive done the work. so fuck you. im not going back to dallas. i know what will eventually happen. i will grow weak. i will do drugs and im not doing it. im not putting myself in that situation! i love stockholm but at the same time its too much like home. i want to be independent. i love being here. ive been happy here. i dont want to give it up because of university. i’d rather take a year off and try again. that’s not something i would even have considered a year ago.

never thought about it before. i know i used to be a spoiled little bitch but that’s another subject. sitting here packed and ready for the airport, i feel like i dont wanna leave. these are my people. its where i grew up. its where i fit in. people dont judge you here. the girls i have here arent immature, trashy, or backstabbing. my guys will stick up for me no matter what. they respect me, and most importantly they have respect for themselves. ive weeded out bad ones and im so not up for doing it again in london. its hard when your hearts in 4 different places at once. i love being here, but nothing compares to london. i can be a snobby little bitch and complain about shit to my friends and its alright. cause we’ve all grown up in west plano. we’ve all been through so much stupid shit together. we’ve watched friends go to rehab, be sent to hospitals, sent to boarding schools. we’ve watched them get arrested on various occasions. but it truly is a bubble of its own. families have money, lawyers on call. no one ever really feels the affects of breaking the law. its ridiculous really, but i still love it. the lifestyle here is comparable to beverly hills yet ive traded it for a ‘poor’ life london (although rich in so many ways.). ask me why? because i wanted to live. i know that i wouldnt change a single thing ive done. ive learned more about myself and my friends then i ever thought possible, and if worst comes to worst in london its good to know i always have a home to come back to if needed.

Last night me and Simon decided to get out of our halls and do something. I’ve been wanting to go for a while now anyways. It was really nice actually, even though my fingers happened to go numb for a bit. oh and of course everything was over priced, not surprised a bit though. had a lovely ride on the ferris wheel as well! aaaah i cant wait for christmas, mexico, dallas, and my friends

21 days away!! thats only three weeks left. i am dying with excitement! absolutely love christmas. have a nice little break. chill around on the beach in mexico, and then see some friends around new years and whatnot. plus i get to be with my parents yayayayayyayyayay!