Yesterday my parents and i went to Willow Bend mall close to our old neighbourhood, and i went home with a new pair of Dolce & Gabbana glasses. It’s taken me about two weeks to find a pair that i adored, and these are it.

went “out” last night. saw friends that i haven’t seen in a long time! it was good, but it made me realise something, nothings changed in dallas and i dont think it ever will.

it’s like i press pause every time i leave and pick up right where i left off. it’s a comfort knowing every one is still somewhat sane and friendly, but sad at the same time.

at Gilly Hicks, normally they’ve got a deal where you buy 5 undies for 25 dollars, but since its christmas and the time for giving there was a 30% discount in the entire store.

so five undies for 18 USD? yeah, i’ll take that, and probably go back for more!

figured i’d do a little stereotypical collage of the states. but this is just the way it is..

big christmas trees, dad’s big car, and an incredulous amount of christmas lights on houses. loves it.

went to the mall with my mother for dinner and some evening shopping. must say that willow bend has gone well downhill.

had a lovely dinner at california pizza kitchen.

believe it or not, neither of us had pizza!

i had lettuce wraps have to say even if the customer service here is nice, i don’t like being rushed to finish my meal. less tips for you then mr.waiter man.

that’s where i want to be at the moment. my life in confusing. i want to be in so many places at once. i can’t believe i booked a ticket to sweden for just a week, really only a week? i wanna go to dallas so bad, but that’s not happening. i want to go on vacation, but that’s not happening. i just wanna be around people who i love, and that’s not happening.

i feel so alone. that’s what it is. that’s why i was upset this morning as well. i feel alone. i miss my parents. i miss my sister. i miss my friends. i miss it all. im missing out. my sister gets to go to dallas and see my mamma and i know how much fun and whatnot they’ll have and im jealous. im jealous of the people finished for the summer. im jealous of my friends in sweden just graduating and celebrating everything. friends in dallas laying out by the pool doing NOTHING, not a care in the world. why can’t i be there? instead im stuck here with two weeks left, with a lot of work to do and no motivation. none what so ever. i want to get out. i might actually just go to the park alone. get some air, a breather.

so even though the rain was coming down simon and i decided to go out for dinner. nowhere expensive of course, just the one and only CHIPOTLE! must say at first look i wasn’t impressed. mainly cause im used to there being a line around the entire building in plano, but also because the rice wasn’t the same color, the pico de gallo didn’t have any tomatoes in it.. but after eating it, i have to say it tastes the same! and boy oh boy was i happy afterwards! full as well. i’ve got to say a corona really does the trick when eating mexican food, of course i could never have done that in the states the burritos aren’t anywhere near the same size as they are in the states, but duh. either way simon ate all of his and i didn’t hear a single complaint. so i will most likely be going back there again!

i miss plano. i miss my friends. i miss my mamma. i miss my pup. i miss the simple lifestyle. the cars. the shopping. the food. everything. i don’t think i could move back, but i sure as hell wouldn’t mind visiting right now. seeing pictures from all my friends on easter break hanging out with each other. knowing i belong there. knowing i fit in. i hate to say it but i know that even if i work a lot until the summer i wont afford a trip to dallas.. i’ll have to wait another year. things i don’t want to believe. i want that choking heat. the burning sun. the air conditioned malls. the spicy food. the gooey queso. all of it. bring me to it!

i miss it sometimes. i miss it a lot. i miss it a little. either way i miss it. pedicure once a month. acrylic nails every two weeks. shopping on a regular basis. driving around in a new car. going to a private school. chillin with friends. all the glamourous things i had in life. snorting cocaine. popping pills. drinking myself into oblivion. throwing up after everything i ate. hiding my feelings. headaches. stomach pains. fear. sadness. regret. loneliness. all the unglamorous things i had in life. i dont miss it. im happy i can be without it. however sometimes i feel like i want it back, without the pain. i want that life. i want to be carefree. i want to feel the wind in my hair as i drive down the tollway. i want to be able to go shopping and spend money without having to worry about rent or food. but then again i wouldn’t give up this life. i’ve got a boyfriend who i couldn’t love more. i’m working towards getting a degree and a real job. i’m living in one of the most amazing cities in the world. im happy. im healthy. and im not tempted. i may drink more than needed, but im in control now and im 18. i know when to stop. im not hurting myself intentionally anymore. im not doing drugs. im the best ive ever been in my life. and i’ve got my loved ones to thank for that. without my mom and dad i wouldn’t have been able to go to treatment. without my therapist i wouldn’t have dealt with certain issues. without my sister i wouldn’t have had that undying support. without my friends, i wouldn’t have been able to be so honest with myself. without you i wouldn’t still be standing.