so this is a christmas wish list, so i figured why not throw in some items that truly are on my wish list. one day hopefully i’ll be able to afford such a beautiful handbag.
until then, this mulberry bayswater leather bag will have to stay on my wish list.
After my two presentations yesterday i decided i needed a treat, in hindsight.. not a good idea. my bank account is screaming at me, specially since i haven’t got rent money for January. kill me now?
Any ways back to the point, went to the Littleton Arms in Mornington Crescent. I had two fish cakes and it was lush. I hate eating at home at the moment, just feels sad and pathetic and makes me feel sick, weird but eating out doesn’t have the same effect.. anyone else ever had this problem?
been sat ogling over all the beautiful things i’ve found on the internet. it’s probably good that i haven’t got any money or else.. i wouldn’t have any money? ah no difference there. oh well, i’ve decided to do 23 days of christmas on the blog. starting in december i’m going to put up one item a day… sneak peek..
im so sick of thinking about this and im sure everyones sick of hearing me complain. why does everything revolve around money? and why do i never have enough? im so tired of having to ask my parents to send over money to my account, im sick of watching as the amount in my account dwindles down to merely nothing. i dont know how i’ve managed but the money was meant to last me until the end of november now isn’t even going to cover next months rent. im freaking out, im crying, im scared, im worried, i have no clue what to do. im fighting with the previous estate agents to get my deposit back with no avail. if i were to get that back then i could survive until the end of october, which is better than where im at now. i’d love to get a part time job but how the hell would i have time, between 6 modules at university im already freaking out. i never think of the external bills. internet, phone, weekly travel card, university books, this blog, summer holiday ect. i just hate looking at my account and realising that i’ve once again screwed myself over. so sick of being in this position. i just want to be self reliant again, i want cash flow. i want to work and see the benefits. i hate being a student, always poor, always relying on others to support me.
so very very frustrated. frustrated financially. frustrated with my stupid student loan. frustrated with not having an overdraft sorted yet. frustrated with my internet not working in my flat. frustrated with my mobile internet screwing up all the time. why can’t everything just be sorted out already?!
Today’s been really chilled out and mellow.
Woke up around 11ish, went with my dad to lunch. Bought a couple of things we needed, including alcohol for this week at the cottage we’ve rented 
Then when we got home and i was chatting on skype with Simon i started to break down. I don’t know what it is about money and things that revolve around money that really throw me out of the water. We were just chatting about nothing and i started crying. I couldn’t keep a face on, i just let myself break down.
It’s annoying showing others when I’m vulnerable, and i don’t like it, but what am i supposed to do?
Im scared and i’m worried. What if the money doesn’t last. What if i don’t find a place to live in that i’m happy with. What if, what if, what if. I hate money. I hate worrying about having it and not having it. About being able to live with it and live without it. I just don’t like it. Its too much, it gives me stomach pains and makes me want to curl into a ball and die. I can’t handle it.
that’s what happens when you’re running low on cash. movies, movies, and wait.. more movies? no it couldn’t be! but yes, movie night it is. thinking about popping some popcorn, although i’m not feeling hungry.. eeh maybe not.
going to force Simon to watch my sister’s keeper with me. reckon he’ll cry? i don’t think so, but i bet i’ll be in tears!
considering i went to the gym today i deserve this meal.. going to pizza hut for dinner, ha! got a deal, 2 for 1 and since simon’s poor at the moment i figured why not. honestly i haven’t had a pizza in a while either so i should be fine. it’s still raining outside so i haven’t done anything spectacular with my hair and just wearing a tunic and a pair of leggings from monki.
woke up feeling tired tired tired. but i dragged myself out of bed, and then went to get breakfast. boy’s flat door was locked. so i had to wait till one of them got back from their exam for some food. not having food always makes me grumpy. ate breakfast. and now i’m just sat here feeling really angry for some reason. maybe it was because i started looking at flats and realized i have no money, and will not be able to afford anything. debbie downer i know, but whatever. pissed off, going to do some bullshit work for uni and whatever. maybe take a walk just because it’s so nice outside, and that will have to cheer me up.
if i win i can get a free vacation good for a poor student like me! (bikini doesnt actually show up for some reason until you click the link!
