i don’t have the energy anymore. i don’t wanna do it. i don’t wanna feel like this. i don’t know if it’s because it’s late and i’m tired. or if it’s cause i’m thinking of the future and it’s fucking me up again. either way i’m down. i’m down, i’m in that place that i don’t wanna be. i don’t want to feel this way anymore.
just wish it would go away. like bad weather hanging over my head..
you have no clue what it feels like to be in my situation. don’t you dare patronize me. you don’t know how it feels to wake up even more exhausted than you were when you went to bed. what it’s like wishing for things to change. looking out the window at the sun and wanting to crawl into a dark hole. being happy one second and then sitting alone and crying the next. getting angry at small things. getting fed up with your own feelings. i struggle every day. i work at it every day. i may not show it but i struggle. i struggle a lot. there’s not a day that goes by without me pulling my shit together. so yeah, i fall apart sometimes. sometimes i break down. sometimes i let my feelings get the best of me. but you can’t say anything. you know why? because i’ve done it. i got through it all. i’m living my life without drugs. without the pills. with food. without throwing up after every meal. i haven’t made myself sick in almost two years. i got off of my anti-depressants. i did it on my own. i didn’t need help from my family. i didn’t need my friends to help keep me on my feet. i did it. I did it. not my therapist. not my parents. i did it all on my own. i’ve got so much to be proud of and yet you try to tear me down every single time. can’t you see how strong i am? can’t you see that you can’t have what i have? when im happy, i am genuinely happy. no pills to make it better. its just me. so tell me what have you done to make your situation better?
Dear Mia,
You took my life from my hands and decided which path i would follow. I’ve never had a closer relationship to someone else in my life. You were my best friend, you were my everything. I trusted you. I pushed others away for you. I let you control me. I let you in on my deepest secrets. You were encouraging, supportive, and confident. You always had me feeling like i could do it. I was capable of anything with you. You told me it was okay, when it wasn’t. You held my hand through all those years.
I guess our relationship hasn’t ended quite yet. I thought i was breaking up with you the day i sat my parents down and told them what we had been doing. I was wrong. You struggled to stay in my life and by my side whilst i was going through treatment. But like always, you tend to get your way. You convinced me yet again that i needed you. That my life was worth nothing without you. I listened and obeyed. All those nights you kept me up, sneaking for food. The majority of my days spent hovering over a toilet with you right by my side encouraging me. Listening to you when you said that popping 4 pills before breakfast was a good idea because i’d concentrate in school and i’d stay away from food. You were there telling me it was worth it when i was crying from the pain at night and in the morning when i was tired because of the restless sleep i got. I trusted you. I listened. I obeyed. I did it all because you told me i’d be happy. I’d be beautiful. I’d be skinny. I’d have a perfect body. You lied. I pushed you away after my relapse. I realized i didn’t need you to be happy. I didn’t need cocaine, ecstasy, or adderall. I needed food. I needed to respect my body.
It’s almost been two whole years that i’ve lived without you now. I’ve eaten loads of food to the point where i felt like i was going to burst, but i stuck it out and let my body deal with it instead of me running to the bathroom for a ‘quick fix’. I’ve been offered drugs, and i said no. From time to time though you’d be there. Checking up on me seeing if i needed you. Truth is sometimes it would’ve been easier to let you hold my hair back, and listen to your soothing voice when i felt like i was getting to ‘healthy’. But i didn’t. I stuck up for myself. I had my best interests in mind and not yours. I wasn’t going to let you control me the way you used to.
Today you came back for a visit. I was surprised to see you. I was hurt as the same time that i was elated. Elated because the comfort of having you when no one else was there, hurt because of the fact that i’m letting you into my life. You shouldn’t ever come back. I shouldn’t have these feelings about myself. I shouldn’t look down on what i’ve become. I should be proud and happy to say that i’m almost two years recovered from bulimia and substance abuse. As well as i’m living without Prozac. I know you’ll be back for more visits in the future. And i know i’ll still have the hostile feelings towards you, because when your around you make me want to turn back. Turn back to what i used to be. You make me want to be somebody else and i cant be that somebody anymore. So i’m sorry i turned you away today, but it’ll happen again. It’ll happen every single time you pop around for a visit. Because i dont need bulimia to make me strong. I dont need to throw up into a toilet to make me feel happy. I dont need to take pills, or do stupid shit to make me feel like i’m living, because i am alive. My body is healthy, and i am healthy. Yes, i may not be happy with my weight or the way i look, BUT that does not give you the right to bully me.
So goodbye mia, until next time,
My
thats what i need to do. i need to get myself back together. pick up the pieces of my life and sort myself out. i’ve messed up with some relationships back home and i should probably sort that out as well. i can’t wait to go see my dad next week in dublin. sit down talk it out, figure out what the hell im going to do next year. what’s my financial situation. what’s my mental situation. i was planning on going off my meds after christmas but i have no clue if that’s an option anymore. we’ll see. no clue what im doing tonight. watching the rest of this Grey’s Anatomy episode, showering, and then god knows what.
Recent Comments