[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-0kAd_ax3g[/youtube]

i never thought i’d let myself go this far. i never thought that Ed would come back to haunt me in a way i never knew he was capable of. ever since friday i’ve lost control. it started before that, but i still had the reigns, now i’ve handed them back over to Ed and i’m struggling to control what little bit of dignity i have left.

when i was in treatment i meet a hand full of people who were anorexics and whom had then recovered, but relapsed to bulimia. for some reason i just figured that relapsing to anorexia from bulimia was a silly idea, how could that ever happen?

i haven’t lost the plot completely, but i’m struggling more now than i have in the three years i’ve been recovered.

i feel constantly tired. my hands wont stop shaking. i’m cold and nothing will warm me up. i can’t sleep, i don’t want to eat. i have to force feed myself the little bits of food throughout the day. i feel ill, my body is telling me it needs nutrients but Ed doesn’t want to give them to me.

i feel like i’ve reached a new low in my life. i feel like all the recovery talk was just bullshit, and that in fact i am still very very fucked up in the head. i fear that i will never ever be okay, i will never recover from this. i will never be able to fix what my disorder has lead me to do. i feel like it’s easier to throw in the towel and let him win, rather then fight for the control of my own mind and body.

i will never be the respectable girl i strove to be. i will always be the friend that others can depend on to fuck up, a lot. i will always disrespect myself, and i will never be able to love the girl in the mirror. nor will anyone else ever be able to love my mistakes and i as a whole.

i didn’t mean for this to happen, i don’t know why i let it, and it feels like it’s easier to just leave everything the way it is.

i don’t want to think anymore, i don’t want to feel. i just want to be.

i’m not even worried about my body at the moment, but my psych is so down that my body is the one suffering for my emotional mistakes.

it is what it is.

sat up in bed, tears streaming out of frustration. can’t sleep, can’t sit still, can’t get comfortable, can’t stop thinking, can’t stop anything, nothing’s right, every thing is wrong.

it’s 4 in the morning, i should get some sleep.. need to be up in 3 hours. turn the lights off and lay down.

4:05.. 4:15.. 4:30… tossing and turning. finally i give up i cannot sleep or lay still for the life of me and when i try i feel the blood pumping in my veins, i feel my heart beating so hard it feels like it’s coming out of my chest. i feel every heart beat in my head. i feel it all and im too aware of what’s going on.

i stumble on the web until 630.. decide i can’t sit still in this damned bed anymore. get up shower.. put my uniform on. take two pills, and go downstairs. maybe eat, maybe tell my parents i’m gonna eat at school.

one more pill for the road. music on, seatbelt.. driving. a/c on, i’ll get too hot otherwise. it’s getting warmer.. a/c on highest. i focus on driving, park my car, drink a bit of water or redbull… one more for the morning classes? okay, another pill.

go in, don’t talk to anyone. sit down, pay attention, take notes that are waaay to perfect and detailed. focus on everything, ignore what’s not important.

lunchtime.. can’t eat that’s absurd, sit in the library pretend like i’ve got something really important to work on. start feeling agitated and uncomfortable. another one should calm me down..

i’ll be okay for the rest of the day now. i’ll be okay.

finish the afternoon classes, drive home. get in. a/c on the highest, do work drink lots of water. dinner time.. eat minimal amounts, i’m not hungry.

more work, more homework, more notes, more unimportant bullshit. one more to get me through the night.

time to go to bed?  sat up in bed, tears streaming out of frustration. can’t sleep, can’t sit still, can’t get comfortable, can’t stop thinking, can’t stop anything, nothing’s right, every thing is wrong.

somethings wrong when a 16 year old girl can become an addict on prescription pills.

it started occasionally, i needed to study harder for exams. but like it is with all drugs, the rush went away. quicker and quicker it would dissolve. solution? more pills. more pills, and finally too many pills. panic attacks, dizzy spells, fainting. sickening thinking about how much i screwed with my body, how much i fried my brain.

i can still wake up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, heart literally pounding, shaking.. feeling withdrawals.

i hate adderall, i hate all those pills. imagining how my high school years would’ve been without them.. it’s not right. it shouldn’t be the easiest thing to get your hands on, and it shouldn’t be socially acceptable to take them. you wouldn’t be okay with it if your friends smoked crack before an exam would you? after kicking my habit, i shudder to even think about being on it again. i can’t respect students who take adderall to succeed. call me a hypocrite.

i got on the dean’s list on my own last term, no drugs no extra help, on my own! i have a reason to be proud.. i never felt proud when i got an A on adderall.. it still wasn’t good enough. do you feel proud knowing you’ve cheated? it is cheating. your pushing your brain to work in an unreasonable  state, your cheating yourself of social interaction and creativity. all for what? an A? A+? not worth it.

i know there’s so many reasons why adderall is appealing, but i know too well all the reasons why it’s not as well. i just simply cannot agree with students who take the drug, because that’s what it is a drug. you think you’re not doing anything wrong but if you aren’t prescribed it or aren’t actually ADHD then it’s illegal, just like any other drug.

at the end of the day it’s still substance abuse.

It’s funny how a girl can say all she wants about me and you know what.. I couldn’t give less. Tells me I’m a slut. I’m worthless. I’m a bad friend. I’m selfish. I know it’s not true. She’s worth less than the toilet paper I wipe my ass with. I can’t be bothered dealing with bullshit anymore. I’ve done it for years. I’ve let it tear me apart as well. No more. I know who my real friends are. However someone who I truly truly care so much about makes one comparison and I fall apart. It tears me to shreads. It hurts me in places I never wouldve known possible. It makes me feel smaller than I’ve ever felt before. Am I worth nothing? Do they really see me that way? If so, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Im hurt. Disappointed. Aggrivated. I’m sick. Sick of being vunerable, wondering if this is really it? Am I gunna be this sensitive the rest of my life? Am I going to care so much about others opinions? It hurts to be compared to someone you despise. Knowing that someone thinks your alike. Knowing that person thinks I’m alike with a person i wouldn’t mind having out of my life completely. For forever. Someone who’s been a complete waste of my energy and time. Someone I wish I never wouldve known existed. Its like telling me I have no standards. I have no respect for life. For friendship. Tearing down my selfesteem with one sentence. Tearing apart feelings of accomplishment that have taken years to gain. Recovery. Therapy. Medicines. All of it down the drain. Making me feel like I’m the smallest piece of trash in the world. I’d rather you tell me i’m like a piece of shit. I’ve dealt with bulimia. Substance abuse. Severe depression. Bad friends. Bad company. I’ve dealth with so much more and been through so much. So don’t you dare ever tell me something so ludicrous as that ever again. I know I’m worth more than that. Don’t hurt me.

dads in ICU now under the watchful eye of his nurses. i spoke to one of them on the phone and they said that the procedure went as expected and that hes recovering. hes stable and nothing unusual happened. i think im going to call back again later just to see. its funny though how i woke up early this morning and waited all day i didnt feel nervous or scared but right after i found out i got this major headache. ha, the brain hides things from you sometimes. obviously i was worried and my guard fell and now im in pain haha. no ill be alright. its good to know that my dads gotten through the worst part. now he just has to heal and get better. i wont be visiting him today for different reasons however i will go to the hospital as soon as i wake up tomorrow. thanks for all your support!

i cant even form a sentence to write on here right now. my minds racing everywhere, frantic and i cant seem to get it to stop. just this morning i was thinking to myself how long its been since ive had any urges and how good ive been. its a full year in 18 days and now here i am feeling the way i did back then. im hungry but instead of eating i enjoy the empty feeling. i feel like i cant trust myself. i feel out of control. i hate whats going on right now. its hard to deal with. i wish i had someone else here to help me.i know its selfish and childish too even. but i have a feeling that even if i was 40 i wouldnt be made to handle this. why is it that at a time like this our whole family has to be separated? just to make things harder.. take me away. some place far far away. where i can just forget about everything and live in denial. pretend that lifes a fairy tale, and that im the princess.

yeah i was in a wheelchair for a while at the hospital but thats not the point. eating ‘normally’ after Bulimia was a challenge. it was like relearning to read, ride a bike, walk, EAT. the things i ate the most after the hospital were these: 

the best chocolate milk out there

substitute for water, and the reason i got out of my stupid wheelchair

my lunch like almost everyday.

a good snack, easy calories

another good snack!

these crackers were great for when i was missing calories. quick and easy and id have eaten all the calories i needed to eat for the day.

banana nut muffins. good for changing up a breakfast. loved those.

last but not least (maybe my favorite) brown sugar cinnamon pop-tarts. heaven on earth. theres a butt-load of good ol calories. loves it.

i ran away today. ran from the noise. chose not to listen. chose to do it my way. forgot about the lies running through my head. listened to the truth. its hard knowing sometimes which is right. ignored the voices. decided to be strong. didnt fight. didnt put up my walls and bring out my armor. just let it be. i didnt decide i wanted to be someone else. i dealt with my issues. yes i am not perfect. but who is? theres no medicine that can fix this. there is no easy fix. the hardest part is recognizing it. im past that. im to the point where the voices dont even matter anymore. i know they only want to bring me down. theres nothing that beats being honest to yourself. lying only becomes a bad habit, which gets you into a bad circle of habits. been there. not fun. i think writing on here has helped me a tremendous amount. i cant lie. i cant lie to myself, my friends, or my family. i cant lie to the people i dont know. its sort of a way of keeping me on track. ive made it this far, i cant let anything get in the way now. i will never ever again let bulimia tear me down. im better than bingeing and purging. im healthy. for all you girls out there who still are having problems, healthy doesnt mean im fat. it doesnt mean ive gained weight. healthy means im living life, without Ed constantly on my back or in my head. im getting to happy. one day i will be fully recovered for forever. i will never again turn to Ed.